Have you met my parents? Pop—from birth to death—was straight-forward, honest, strict, and relatively inflexible. He was rarely wrong, and ruled our house as the leader with passion and strength. He was “not for everyone” and had a way of looking at you straight to your soul. Mom balanced his rough edges. Mom has spent 92 years as the caregiver—gentle and kind and soft spoken. Rarely getting angry, Mom has a quick smile and an infectious laugh that draws people to her. She guided all of us with a gentle but firm hand, leading us to take risks and follow our own dreams, always on our side, in our corner. Our greatest cheerleader.

Dementia robs the person of their personality. Sometimes. 

Acknowledging resistant personality Changes

As the years have passed, we have seen the personality changes due to dementia with Mom. Rarely. 

We are fortunate that, so far, Mom has retained most of her own personality and character. She is, generally speaking, exactly as she always was—just with limited memory and comprehension skills. She still smiles frequently and laughs with abandon. Her love of sweets hasn’t wavered, nor has her love for her family.

Every once in a long while, however, she gets angry, and The Job gets really difficult, really quickly. 

Growing up, I saw Mom angry maybe a dozen times. In my first 53 years of life. Total.

I have a certain picture of Mom in my head that I will keep forever. Because of that, I won’t go into the things we have seen or experienced in detail. Whatever you are dealing with at your house is not my business either. My job is to present positive and encouraging advice for you to minimize the resistant and difficult personality traits that dementia forces on your loved one. Suffice to say things can get very difficult very quickly, with no warning or precipitating event. It’s a total crapshoot which personality I will see on a moment to moment basis. 

Protecting them—and you From These Changes

All that truly matters is keeping your loved one safe. They may rage or become physical, and your primary responsibility is making sure they do not hurt themselves. The personality changes with dementia does not change who they are as your loved one. 

Protecting yourself comes second, because you can absolutely control yourself. It is much easier to keep yourself out of harm’s way than it is for them. 

Lastly, the least important thing (by a lot) is to protect property.

Now that your priorities are in order, let’s talk about minimizing the occurrences of resistant and dangerous personality flareups. 

Give as many options as possible

Did you ever open the closet door and tell your two-year-old to pick any outfit they wanted? Yeah, that doesn’t work out so well. What I do is lay out three outfits for Mom, and let her choose from those options. It gives her some say in what she is wearing, without giving her that overwhelmed feeling that can quickly escalate to resistance. Do that with as many things as you possibly can. For snacks, I offer apples or pineapple—both fruits and completely her choice.

One of her least favorite activities is now showering, so I try to do the same thing with a little twist: I can’t offer “now or later” because with her memory problems, she will not remember agreeing to “later,” so I had to come up with something else.

That something else involves expensive, scented soaps. Mom has always enjoyed a soap that smells nice and produces a great lather. I use that preference to get her to agree to a shower right now: Which soap for today—lavender or roses? It sounds incredibly basic and simple, but it will absolutely work with her. The concept of taking a shower is now cemented in her mind, and all she has to do is choose the scent of the day.

This technique works for so many things, and will help your loved one maintain their independence and free choice, while keeping things both manageable and calm for you. Though their personality changes with dementia, everyone still craves a sense of individuality and independence.

Allow yourself extra time

Early is always better than late. To me, this is literally true, as I am always punctual. I am so obsessive about being on time that all three of my kids were born early! That’s commitment! This time management OCD has served me very well when trying to get my mother prepared for absolutely anything. 

I always double the time I think something should take. 

Remember from many blogs ago, we talked about letting your loved one help out as much as possible for as long as possible? That definitely still holds true now.

I don’t help Mom dress, even though it would go a lot faster. Same with fixing her hair or eating breakfast—I let her go on her own timetable, so she can continue to feel independent and in control of her life. I accommodate this independence by allowing double time for every single task. Nothing is more stressful than someone standing over you telling you to “Hurry up!” so I avoid doing that by extending the time she has to do simple tasks.

Never forget that your loved one will pick up on your mood and frustration, so it’s important that you remain calm, and giving extra time for activities of daily living will help you maintain your control over the situation. They will pick up on your personality changes, as well, even with dementia.

What’s “Plan B” When The Personality Changes?

Yeah…it’s happened to me…outright refusal to comply. You’re not alone.

She has refused to get dressed, refused to leave the house, refused to eat, just to name a few of the resistant behaviors I’ve dealt with. So, what now? It totally depends.

I admit, here in writing for all to see: She has spent the entire day in her jammies. She has eaten cupcakes for breakfast. She has binged cowboy movies for days.

It happens.

The Truth About It:

Honestly? I don’t actually care. These are such insignificant things that I won’t even put up an argument or fight about giving in to these things. Choose your battles. Carefully.

You will go to this doctor’s appointment—no question about it. You will finally take a shower today. I am, in reality, the boss. The Job has made me many things through the years, and being The Bad Guy happened very early on, and I’ve earned the title many, many times.

So, when it concerns their health or safety, you do not negotiate. You try to make it a joint effort, you offer assistance and suggestions, but you do not capitulate. For these non-negotiables, I allow extra time specifically for resistance.

The other thing that has worked wonders for us is a little “slap and tickle”: This errand comes with a happy ending. After the doctor, we need to stop at the dollar store (Mom’s favorite outing), or we will hit Chick-fil-A (another favorite). No, we can’t go there first, but we will absolutely do it immediately after the required item. 

For anything that doesn’t really matter—hitting the ATM, if she showered yesterday, putting on real shoes—I’ll just let it go for the day. I can’t fight everything or all I will do is fight! Learn to be flexible and as accommodating as you possibly can.

Enlist help from anybody you can For These Personality Changes

We’ve talked consistently about building your team and your support system. Now is the time you need to let them help you.

It’s stunning to me how often the “No” to me turns into an immediate “Yes” when Sweet Husband makes the request. I’ve requested the BFF drop by the house for a five-minute visit, because a visitor is enough of a reason for Mom to get dressed today. I’ve done the same thing with planned Facetime chats with my brothers, because, “Surely you don’t want the boys to see that you haven’t brushed your hair today, right?”

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gone out for lunch just as an excuse for Mom to take a shower and get dressed lately. It’s the carrot we use to get this beautiful racehorse to the gate—her love of fast food.   

Try, try again…and again…

One thing The Job has taught me is that I need to have a very deep bag of tricks, because what worked yesterday fails to work today, and I need to punt. As their personality changes with dementia, your strategies need to change as well. You need to have several ideas, suggestions, options in your head at all times, so that your days can progress calmly and smoothly. Very few things in this world are worth it for me to upset Mom. 

Am I advocating a little trickery? Darn right I am!!! Successfully caring for your dementia patient requires that you have many different tricks up your sleeve, and an incredible ability to change plans on a dime. Felix’s bag of tricks is barely deep enough for everything you and I need to keep our loved ones happy, healthy and stress-free.

Sometimes it just doesn’t matter enough. Some days, she can go without a shower. Cupcakes are a reasonable breakfast choice every so often. Having her outfit match is far less important than the independence she feels by choosing her own clothes and dressing herself. 

There are days I have to be firm and risk a personality clash. Just not today~

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about the different personality changes you’ll learn to manage with dementia.

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to effectively celebrate with dementia, here, or different words of affirmation we love to hear as caregivers, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! What are your next steps in eldercare? Let me know!

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