It’s POSITIVELY Time to stop…

I am very committed to positivity. When I started looking for support for my eldercare journey, everything I found was just so negative. It was very demoralizing for me, and it’s why I started documenting my life as a caregiver. We need as many strong, positive words of affirmation as we can find—this is a tough life!! Limiting activity for your parent with dementia will be part of that life.

Sometimes, though, I’ve got to broach tough subjects with you.

But…I can spin ANYTHING!!!! So here are some tough conversations you will undoubtedly have, twisted and turned into a positive and uplifting way you can present the subject with your loved one. 

Limiting Driving With Dementia:
You’re now a passenger

As time passed, we started to limit how far Mom could drive slowly over time. We transitioned from her running errands and going shopping alone, to only going with her private nurse. As time passed, we transitioned to having the nurse do the driving and Mom became a passenger.

That’s how we transitioned out of driving. Slowly, calmly, and as a team. 

The next step involved the DMV. We simply renewed her license as a State Identification Card. When she did that, she recognized that it was now illegal for her to get behind the wheel. Her generation are consummate rule followers, so we knew absolutely nothing would convince her to break the law and get behind the wheel—not even the dementia.

My Situations Was Uncommonly Easy…

I freely admit that my experience will not be your experience. For Pop, he simply turned over the keys, and for Mom, it went seamlessly. Maybe not so much for you, especially with driving, since it is most often associated with independence. I think what helped the most was her nurse (who helped in so many ways I can’t even list them!), because having her here 40 hours a week allowed us to transition Mom out of driving without her even noticing it!

My suggestion to you is to spin the concept of not driving as positively as possible. That might include trying to move through a slow transition like we did, or just “ripping off the Band-Aid” by taking away the keys. Whichever way works for you, I suggest you approach the lack of independence as a positive thing.

For example, they never have to pump gas again, or worry about when to get the oil changed. Parking spots are no longer their problem, and neither is dealing with heavy traffic. There are absolute advantages to being the passenger, including looking at the world as it goes by, reading a magazine on the ride, or controlling the radio. Focus on those positives, and hopefully the transition to non-driver will go smoothly and quickly for you.  

Limiting Cooking With Dementia:
You’re now a diner

Getting Mom away from the stove was a much more difficult task. Heck, getting Pop to give up making desserts was depressing! The first Thanksgiving Pop didn’t make the chocolate cream pies we both shed a tear, but he was so sharp mentally, he knew those days were over and he didn’t have the strength to complete the task. 

Mom, however, has been a permanent battle.

It makes sense, really. She has controlled the kitchen since she was a young girl, cooking for her family. She is such a kitchen person, her career was as the assistant manager of my high school cafeteria—back in the days when they actually cooked real food for students!!! 

But she left the stove on a few times. 

She burned some pots.

She forgot just one too many times that the oven was still on.

We definitely needed to start limiting this activity because of her dementia.

It was time…

In case you don’t know my ongoing theme—it is transitioning slowly. We moved her slowly out of the kitchen in the same way.

First I took over cooking dinner one or two nights a week, and that didn’t bother her at all. I cooked things she didn’t make but enjoyed, so she started to look forward to me doing the cooking. Soon, that became three, four, five nights a week, until I was in charge for all seven nights a week. BUT—this is a big but—she helped me at least a few nights a week. With my invisible supervision, she took over the vegetables, making the salad, setting the table, so she could keep participating in the act of feeding the family but not have all of the responsibility. 

At first, she came out of the den precisely at 4 pm every day to help prepare dinner. Soon, however, she was coming out a little too late to help, then not coming out at all until dinner was ready. Some nights she would request a favorite meal, but wouldn’t offer to participate in the preparation. She transitioned HERSELF out of cooking dinner.

The Clean-Up

Cleaning up after dinner was a habit she continued longer than cooking. After dinner, she would stand at the sink and wait for the table to be cleared. She was never one for a dishwasher, so she liked to do everything by hand. As time passed, however, her version of “clean” didn’t exactly match Sweet Husband’s, so we slowly convinced her to stay at the table and enjoy dessert while he did the dishes, quickly filling the dishwasher. 

Slowly, eventually, over time she transitioned herself out of all kitchen duties. I will say, however, very rarely she will try to make herself a cup of tea, or get a snack, so we still need to be very wary of her in the kitchen. But for all intents and purposes, this transition went relatively well even though it took years to complete. Sometimes, they start limiting their own activity because of the dementia!

Limiting Spending With Dementia:
You’re now a “kept” woman

This one is definitely a toughie: Managing her money.

We are back to advanced planning (Thank you, Pop!). I knew, understood, and had access to all of their accounts well in advance, so this transition was certainly made more simple. If you lack access or knowledge of your elder’s financial situation, you need to change that RIGHT NOW, before the dementia makes it impossible. Limiting this activity with dementia will go much smoother if you start early!

This transition was absolutely more undercover than the others, that’s for sure. I was monitoring her accounts long before she realized it, and moving money to cover her bills. It wasn’t until about three years ago that I took over completely. Unfortunately, for many people this happens after a few missed payments are uncovered, so you need to be front and foreword about this transition so it doesn’t cost them anything in unnecessary fees or late penalties.

How I Started…

The “formal” transition happened at first with the car insurance bill. The bill came, and I offered to pay it online so she didn’t have to write a check. Once she agreed to that, it was open season on taking over things for her. After that, I paid the credit card online, too, and she loved the convenience of not worrying about the bill. 

The last thing I took over involved the family—loving checks sent out to celebrate. With five children and 15 grandchildren, that was a total of 20 checks at Christmas, and she didn’t have the energy. I offered to write out the checks and all she had to do was sign her name. She loved it! 

From that point on, I had taken over absolutely everything without her being inconvenienced or bothered. Frankly, she hasn’t asked about money for about two years now, because she just assumes it’s there if she needs it, and no bills come to the house. Seamless and smooth.

A Quick Note:

NONE of this would have been possible if I hadn’t already known and had access to all of the accounts. Completing their taxes for the past twenty years helped tremendously, as did creating online accounts myself, so I have all of the login information. If you are not privy to this information, and participating at least tangentially right now, this transition will be the most difficult for you. Nobody wants to give up control of their money. 

Limiting EVERYTHING With Dementia:
You’re now off the hook

So, by her 90th birthday, Mom had been relieved of all of the responsibilities of adulthood. We take care of everything within the house, we take care of her car, and we take care of all of her financial needs. 

She is completely off the hook.

If she asks for a few bucks, I’ve already gotten it from the ATM.

Wedding coming up? I already wrote the check—she signs that and the card and she’s done.

You want what for dinner? No problem—I can make that.

Your rooms need a vacuum—the nurse is on it.

You need a new sweater? Fine—I’ll charge it on your Visa and have it sent here.

She is a lady of leisure. She deserves it.

Was it effortless? Nope. Worth it? She’s worth everything.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about limiting activity for your dementia elder.

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to effectively celebrate with dementia, here, or how to practice self-care as an eldercare giver, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! What are your next steps in eldercare? Let me know!

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