How To Keep Talking To Dementia Patients So They Keep Talking To You!

It is often hard for me to keep Mom “in the present,” sort of speak. Crazytown tends to drift into fantasyland, and sometimes, fantasyland is quite scary for her. It’s very important for you to have an arsenal of topics in your backpack that you can bring up when things are starting to go awry in the dementia-rattled brain. It is paramount to keep talking to your dementia patients!!!

Anyone going through this wonderful condition called Alzheimers or Dementia knows that moments of lucidity become fewer and farther between, so we need to make the most of what we have. I do that by trying to redirect the conversation to tried and true topics that have always given her joy to discuss. 

Here is a list of the subjects I use to help ground Mom when Crazytown tries to take over:

Talking To Dementia Patients: Some Safe Topics

What’s the weather like?

This simple question can go on for quite a while, if you play it correctly. Start with the weather outside the window. Compare it to yesterday. Talk about the rest of the week. Short topic, right? Doesn’t have to be! The possibility of rain in the desert today kept her going for a good fifteen minutes with one of my kids! It never actually rained, but it was a great topic. 

Another thing we do is talk about the weather all over the country! We use the different places people live, and talk about their weather. This way, she is both reminded of people, places, and feelings. I use my phone to access the current temperatures, and we relate them to different people. “Steve is in Chicago—can you believe it’s snowing there?” or “How can Betty stand that heat in Florida?” will go on for quite a while. Sometimes I’ll throw in some extreme weather from somewhere in the world, and talk about what it must be like for those citizens. You can always find some weather anomaly you can start talking about with your dementia patients for a good 10 or 15 minutes.

Small talk at its finest.

Did you hear the news?

Careful with this one! We are always trying to keep things light and positive in Crazytown!

So, we only talk about some human interest, fun stories we can find either in the newspaper or, more likely, on the internet. Mom is always interested in talking about current events, so we keep it light and humorous as much as we can. It is harder to find on the television, but using the internet on your phone names this so much easier. Use your phone to find short videos or cute pictures from around the country. Mom also responds very positively to anything related to animals, and it’s easy to find quick Tik Tok types of videos about animals doing cute and crazy things.

Additional points if you can relate it to something in your family’s past!  

What’s the latest from Hollywood?

This is a very big one for Mom, because she has been a Hollywood movie buff her entire life! Growing up in the 1930’s, her favorite Saturday activity was heading to the movies and enjoying as many shows as possible. So, when I say the “latest” from Hollywood, I don’t actually mean it. Mom isn’t up on ANYTHING current from Hollywood—her favorite movies can be found on Turner Classic Movies (TCM).

Instead, we will discuss, in depth, the works of a classic Hollywood star. This is easy to do with TCM in the background. Yesterday they did a quick retrospective of Jimmy Stewart’s movies, so we went off on that for quite a while. Why one movie was better than the others, who was his best leading lady, etc. 

Another thing Mom is easily distracted with is Hollywood fashion, which is perfect during the annual awards season. Even if she doesn’t know or care for the actor, she loves looking—and commenting on—their fancy clothes!

Can you tell me that story again?

It’s an amazing side effect of dementia and old age—the distant past is clear as a bell, but they don’t remember breakfast. So, keep talking to your dementia patients about anything they can remember!

I capitalize on this one quite frequently, and play the children’s game of “tell me that story again” over and over. It’s very easy to come up with one story or another, and Mom can go on for 15 minutes easily given the right topic. 

One of the easiest for us is “where did you live…” because my Mom grew up poor, and they switched apartments often to avoid the landlady. She remembers every location she lived in as a young girl, and even remembers the different schools she went to and her teachers! This conversation always meanders into what it was like growing up with four sisters in one bed, and the different things they did for fun. 

Where in the World is everybody?

This is a fun and easy one because we have a very large family, and she can’t remember where everybody is located.

This strategy requires a lot of participation from you, as opposed to asking her to relay a story, but it’s a good one to help her remember different people, their spouses, and where they currently reside. We always start with her own children, since we are the easiest for her to remember. After that, we go down the family tree, reviewing who is married to whom, what kids they have, and where they are living. It helps if you have some photos either printed in the room, or can access them on your phone. She really enjoys when I show her pictures, so I try to do that any time I’m talking about other people. 

I strongly recommend you solicit action pictures from the members of your family. The best pictures to start a conversation include not only people, but some time of activity. A picture of my brother Bill coaching a lacrosse game, for example, will get her talking on and on about his career playing decades ago. The grandkids on the beach will keep her talking about different beaches, which was better, and why.

It’s up to you to figure out what stories and people your elder wants to talk about and find a way to prompt it!

How did you make that, exactly?

This was a favorite of Sweet Husband with his mother before she passed. As a very traditional Italian woman (and one heck of an amazing cook) Sweet Husband would get her talking about how she made a particular dish, and she would go on for quite a while. Starting with the dish and recipe, this line of questioning would always get his mom talking about who cooked it best (and the worst!!) in her very large family.

The side benefit for yourself and your loved one is that this conversation can easily inspire you to cook that dish! Sweet Husband would always do that after speaking to his mom, and I enjoyed some amazing Italian food. Even better—bring the leftovers to your loved one and make sure you’re on the “who cooked it best” list!

Best of all, it helps to keep their legacy alive and well!

Remember when you went there?

I am a travel fanatic, and I come by it naturally. My parents instilled a love of travel in me when I was very young, and I was fortunate to take two week-long family trips every year growing up. My siblings always joked that they went camping, but Patti went to Disney World! It helps being the youngest!!!

So, Mom has a wealth of experience traveling with the family, and alone with Pop leading into and during their retirement. Her absolute favorite location was Hawaii, and her favorite mode of transportation was a cruise ship, so we can talk about those all day long! I will bring up a particular luau, or a hotel we stayed in (Grand Ole’ Opry was one of her favorites) and she will go on and on about things they did and places they saw. 

We’re back to pictures, too! This topic lends itself to sharing pictures. Make sure you bring some or find them on your phone. I was able to remind Mom details about Alaska she had forgotten recently, and the photo really helped. 

Didn’t you have a dog?

Everybody loves to talk about their four-legged children, so start talking to your dementia patients about it! Over the years, Mom had cats, dogs and birds, so there is plenty to talk about.

I like to ask her to compare one dog to another, and to tell stories about how she adopted the animals, too. Another topic that goes on for a while is “who was the favorite” for each of the pets. Mom loves talking about how Hulk followed my sister home one day, and that’s how she came to be in our family. Another favorite story is how the cat climbed up a tree, and the firemen had to come get it down. 

While I really do think her overall favorite pet is Luna the Wonder Dog we have now, it’s fun to ask her to compare Luna to her previous dogs. 

What was it like…?

This is your catch-all topic when you can’t think of anything else. Mom is 92 next month, so she has literally decades of memories stored up in that head. She may not be able to remember the movie that just ended on TV, but she can talk about going to the theater as a girl for a nickel on Saturdays!

Capitalize on that phenomenon of dementia that makes your elderly family member so quick to discuss things from long, long ago. I’ve learned countless stories that I’d never heard before over the past year, as I try to keep Mom engaged through remembering the past.

The Point Is: Keep Talking To Your Dementia Patients!!!

Overall, the key is to move that incredible wealth of knowledge and memories from one generation to another while we still can.

As I watch Mom fade deeper and deeper into the dementia, I worry that all of those untold stories will never come to light. My brother Bob filmed my grandmother one weekend for hours telling all of her favorite stories—true and not-so-true—and it is a cherished keepsake for our family. We didn’t do that with Pop, and I wish we had, so I’m doing my best to keep Mom talking while she still can.

Let’s help them look back, because, let’s face it, the present isn’t nearly as fabulous.

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