Celebrating With Dementia – Happy Birthday, Granma!

The fabulous Mom/Granma/GreatGranma turned 92 this week! An advantage of the dementia is that she not only doesn’t realize how old she is, she forgets immediately after you tell her! So, in her mind, she is forever young. So young, in fact, she is now convinced her mother is alive and well and living with us. Nanny died in 1998, but I don’t bother telling her that—fantasy life can sometimes be very comforting. That said, celebrating with dementia can be a bit difficult. 

Anyway, she had her birthday, and with it comes the normal problem of what the heck to get her! Her space is quite limited, and her hobbies are even more limited, so it makes it a bit difficult. Here are some of the best practices my people have come up with to share birthday/Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts with Mom.

Gift-giving is difficult now

With her current living situation, space is definitely at a premium, and, frankly, filled with the turtles and elephants and trolls she loves to look at. It is hard to come up with something that is good enough to displace one of her favorite things, but we can certainly try. 

While she was never much of a reader, she absolutely enjoys the occasional magazine or issue of Reader’s Digest. So a great idea for someone like that might be a subscription to something. Forever a lover of Hollywood, do not misinterpret that—she has no interest in or knowledge of current Hollywood stars and trends! One of the best gifts came from my sister, who sent a wall hanging of John Wayne memorabilia! Try to think of something like that. That gift was doubly wonderful—it really spoke to her passions, and it took up absolutely no floor or shelf room!

My own kids have started buying small, do-it-yourself craft kits to give Granma for holidays. This gives them something to do with her during a visit, and produces something she can display in her room. These can easily be found at Target or Walmart, and are usually relatively inexpensive. My oldest kid literally just bought a small paint kit that included a turtle and an elephant—two of her favorites—for $5. Gift-giving can be difficult when you’re celebrating with a dementia patient, but you can always find something simple.

Food is best—usually

Okay—food is great! Celebrating with dementia is much, much easier with good food! For Mom, anything sweet is going to be a hit, that’s for sure. Sending something like this is great for long-distance gifts. Mom has received a number of edible gifts from my siblings through the years. They are always wonderful and delicious, that’s for sure. However, they are often much too big! Consider the small appetite of your senior citizen when you are sending this type of gift.

For example, while I adore Edible Arrangements, their gifts have about the shortest shelf life of anything edible we’ve received. I’m not saying don’t send it—I’m reminding you that sending the largest arrangement they have might not be appreciated in time. Compare that to the cookies Mom received this week. The boxed set she received will last her as long as necessary for her to fully enjoy the gift.

My one brother favors Harry & David gifts, which are an excellent alternative. Their towers include fresh fruit as well as candy or cookies, and are about the most attractive arrangement that Mom receives. Plus, since it includes hardier fruits, everything lasts long enough to be enjoyed.

How about baking something yourself? Mom loves getting fresh, home baked goods for holidays or just because. If you are close enough for this type of gift, it is generally preferred by the senior citizen. Remember—they are the generation that cooked and baked for each other—none of these gift-giving alternatives were available to them. 

When Celebrating With A Dementia Patient, Living things can be great

So for Granma’s 92nd birthday last week, my oldest kid found a very small succulent plant in a holder shaped like a turtle. Lee for the win!!! This mixed two of Granma’s favorite things—plants and turtles! Plants can be an excellent alternative for gift-giving, as long as they meet some criteria:

Criteria Include:

Low Maintenance

They must be extremely low maintenance—Mom can’t remember the date, so she definitely won’t remember to water the plant every day! Once a week, sure, but every day might be too much for it to survive. 

Small

They need to fit into her space—we aren’t planting a garden in her den, just putting a plant on the table!

Very Pretty

They need to be pretty—something flowering would be awesome so she can watch the transition from green to colors. However, make sure it won’t make much of a mess—we’re not trying to make work for her

A Word Of Caution

Now I must caution you about one thing: By “living things” I definitely don’t mean a pet!!! Not even a fish!!! Any and all pets require more care than a plant. There is feeding and cleaning up and eventual death! All things we don’t want Granma to be burdened with at this point. Stick to plants and flowers…please. 

What Does the Celebrating Dementia Patient wear?

Things to wear are almost always a great gift idea. They are not difficult to buy or ship, and are generally well received. Just a few words about choosing the perfect wearable gift:

Some Suggestions:

Understand The Celebrating Dementia Patient’s Limitations

Keep space limitations in mind! Mom’s closet space and bureau space is fairly limited, so don’t send duplicates of large items. She doesn’t need another coat, for example.

Get The Right Size

Make sure you know the size! Ask the caregiver to make sure weight loss isn’t an issue, and to get the proper sizes. Sending the wrong size just makes more work for the caregiver—not what you intended!

Know What They Would Actually Wear

Think about what she wears NOW, not years ago! Mom is strictly in sweatpants and fleece nowadays. She doesn’t wear any other type of pants anymore, and no button-up tops, so be aware of that. She always required—I mean REQUIRES— pockets in her pants or she won’t even put them on. Knowing these types of things will help you send the best clothing item that will get used. 

Should you send jewelry?

I don’t know. Refer to all of the little tips above to make that decision. 

For Granma, she never changes her jewelry at all, so a jewelry gift would be lost on her. She also stopped wearing earrings about two years ago, so that would be a waste. This is where talking to the caregiving is extremely important, because it’s possible that without daily contact, my siblings and her grandchildren don’t even realize she stopped wearing earrings.

The same thing goes for sending a watch. This is a generational-type gift that might be very well received. My mom wears two watches now—one on each wrist. She never changes them, and only removes them for showers. This is strictly a habit for her, and she wouldn’t change them if Bill bought her a Rolex! This might be a great idea for your elder, but it would be totally wasted on Mom. As a matter of fact, neither of the watches she wears actual work. Doesn’t stop her from wearing them. Dementia at its finest. 

The More Personal The Better

This is the very best type of gift you can possibly send! Wrack your brain for ideas that fit into this category, and you will definitely have a winner on your hands. Here are a few of the personal gifts I’ve come up with through the years:

• Anything handmade! Over the years, my kids—all of the grandchildren, really—have sent various school- and home-made gifts. Mom still has little ceramic animals that almost look like animals in her den. Back in Florida, her fridge was filled with artwork by various grandchildren, too.
• Engraved frames are awesome for family photos! Mom loves frames that have writing on them, so find something with a warm or inspirational quote on them. Frame a current picture of your family, or your family with your elderly relative, and it will be cherished forever.
• I have a favorite website (www.personalizationmall.com) that I use for personalized gifts, and encourage you to check it out. Two of Mom’s favorites are the throw pillow she keeps on her bed, and the scare. Both of these items are personalized with the names of everyone in our family. They have an incredible variety of gifts, and aren’t overly expensive. I’ve used them for years, and only have great things to say about their quality and service.

Final thought On Celebrating with dementia patients

DO SOMETHING!

Don’t let any holidays go by without sending your love and best wishes to the elderly. Mom doesn’t know one day from the next, so it doesn’t even matter if things come early or on time. She just loves it when they get there. With the incredibly large family Mom has, her room should be cluttered with birthday greetings, little gifts and home made items, flowers and balloons. At 92, nobody knows the length of the future, but we certainly know the results in the future, so we need to celebrate today.

So pick up that phone.

Write out that card.

Celebrate. 

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