So they aren’t going to live with you…

There are so many valid reasons why your older parent or family member does not live with you. No judgment here—believe me! Even if it isn’t you directly doing The Job, you have A job to do. You support your elderly parents and whoever provides their daily care. I call this Long Distance Eldercare.

I’ve got an amazing support system of people who help me navigate The Job. People who step in when I need a minute to step out. People who can distract the crazy from Crazytown, and keep the old spaghetti Westerns from scaring her.

How, exactly, can you provide much-needed and appreciated long distance eldercare to the primary caregiver, then? Well, I reached out to some experts in the field. I now present to you practical advice and encouragement from outside of The Job. 

What does Bill do to lend support from across the country?

Like many elderly people, Bill’s mom is completely out of touch with technology. It’s reached the point she doesn’t even have a cell phone. Bill advocates for reaching out via snail mail as often as possible. Also, include lots of pictures in the letters, so she can connect names with faces.

Letter-writing is a lost art, and may not be easy for you to remember. “A tip that I have used for writing letters,” Bill explains, “is to print out a sheet of 30 Avery labels with my mom’s address on them.  I stick them to the envelopes and leave them on my desk where I can see them.  Then when I see the empty envelopes I try and squeeze out time to write a letter and put it in the envelope.  A stamp already placed on the envelope helps to keep me going to write and send the letters!  When my labels are gone, I know I have sent 30 letters to mom!!” 

Having trouble working in that weekly phone call? Bill offers this suggestion: “Calling when I am in the car is good because the time corresponds to when I am going home for dinner and she is in early afternoon.  Sometimes the calls run short if she’s struggling that day, but often we will talk long after I’ve reached my house!” 

Bill recognizes the importance of providing long distance eldercare for the primary caregiver, as well.

In addition to reaching out to his sister, Bill has formed a bond with her daily professional companion. This way, he can reach out to her, as well. Whenever possible, Bill makes the cross-country journey to physically support his sister and mom. He participates fully when he is visiting, taking some of the pressure off the primary caregivers. 

Julie is driving distance—is that easier?

Julie is in a slightly different place than Bill. Living an hour away from her parents, she can see them on a more consistent basis. That doesn’t minimize how stressful it is on her, though, on a daily basis. Julie keeps herself focused by making plans both with and for her parents to improve the eventual visits. Some of the things Julie recommends include:

• “Phone calls daily to know what is happening and remind them of the things they already shared when they forget.
• I let them know when visits are coming in advance, so they can look forward to our time together.
• When visiting, I take a fun activity that everyone will look forward to. I take art projects to do with my folks.
• I plan outings when I visit to the local farmer’s market, a restaurant that they may never have heard of, or a shopping trip to look for furniture they are looking to replace”

Living nearby (and being an amazing cook!) Julie suggested the following, as well: “I cook extra quantities for my family and freeze delicious, two person dinners. When I visit my folks, I pop them in the freezer and there is an easy dinner prepared when my mom does not feel like cooking.”

Finally, Julie is “setting the stage” for the next, eventual stage. She says, “although they do not want help, I offer several times a year to find a Girl Friday to assist them, just in case they are ready. One day they will be, and you never know unless you ask.”

You never know unless you ask. We are back to having those difficult conversations on a regular basis, which we discussed HERE. 

Libby moved them nearer to her family

Libby, another friend my age, has a stable life in the city where she and her husband raised her family. Based on their careers, and family factors, there was never a question of moving closer to her parents. Instead, they moved Libby’s parents closer to them!

If this is the route you take, it is important to do it as early as possible. This way your parents can participate in the entire process, including where they would like to live. Unfortunately, Libby’s dad—a World War 2 Veteran, POW, and outright WAR HERO—passed recently, leaving her mom alone and somewhat bereft in his absence. To further complicate things, Libby’s mom has an array of physical limitations, but her mind is, fortunately, still intact.

In addition to frequent visits and other comfort measures, Libby stays in constant communication with her mom’s assisted living facility. Assisted living was an excellent choice for her parents, at first, but it’s not for everyone. From the caregiver perspective, Libby often faces, “confusion on whether or not she has gotten what she pays for and needs from the facility,” due to her mom’s physical limitations. Libby’s mom, “needs more care,” than the current facility provides. Libby must figure out, “how to handle that without moving her to a new community.”

Moving someone at that age is a complex and complicated maneuver. For this reason, consider a facility with several care levels, so that the move will be seamless. Especially for long distance eldercare.

Finally, Libby comments on the joy of having her brother visit to take some pressure off, at least temporarily. Getting a break with her husband and grown sons is extremely important (Read about respite care HERE), because Libby’s primary goal every day: “Not losing my sanity.”

Judy just gave her a condo

The Early Years

The transitions that Judy has faced with her mother have worked out very well for her. Since her mother was still relatively young and vibrant when Judy had her children, they combined their needs to find an excellent solution: Judy moved her mother into her now-vacant condo in exchange for daily childcare!

This worked out well for both women, as Judy loves her work, and her mother traded a skillset she had for paying rent across the country. This is a testament to my ongoing recommendation that you have these conversations—and make these big moves EARLY. It is a great benefit not only to Judy and her mom, but to Judy’s two children, who had the benefit of her loving care before they reached school age. This is a slightly different example of long distance eldercare.

What It’s Like Now

Fast forward to now, when Judy’s kids are middle-school age and older, and Judy’s mom is definitely slowing down. Facing several physical ailments, Judy’s mom doesn’t have any cognitive difficulties, but does have many appointments. In addition to the common and important recommendation that, “you have to make sure you have contact everyday in some form (phone, call, or text),” Judy talks about handling doctor’s visits. 

This is a huge struggle for many caregivers, because we have full-time jobs. I found this to be true with both of my parents, and I’m glad Judy highlights how difficult this requirement can become: You need to make allowances for “unexpected appointments you need to attend with them to get the information they won’t tell you if you ask later.” I found this to be completely true particularly with my father, since he had so many cancer diagnoses.

If I wasn’t there asking questions or taking notes, they would tell me the appointment was “fine.” This encroachment on your time—almost always mid-day and mid-week—is something that you need to take into consideration. 

What I wish people knew

So we talked about support from those who love the “patient.” but don’t physically live with them. I am the person who lives with Mom. What is the best support in my opinion? 

Don’t be judgmental.

Yes, that’s it. 

Call me and talk to me and talk me off the ledge. Visit and take some pressure off, and help me keep Mom distracted. But, when tough decisions need to be made…

Just trust me.

Thank me. 

That’s it.

Thanks~

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Thank you for reading how my friends and family provide long distance eldercare!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out some other tips, like eldercare home preparations, here, or eldercare finances, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! What are your next steps in eldercare? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.