So you’re a fan of the blog—thanks for coming back! As you know, I care for my mom with severe dementia. What I haven’t shared so far is the backstory of my parents’ lives, when I first heard, “Pop has cancer,” and once they came to live with us. I call what I do The Job, because it’s big enough to demand capital letters, and is a significant commitment to undertake. It’s worthy of a title, that’s for sure.

History of My Parents Moving In

My parents were born in 1930, and married in 1951. They were both healthy and strong even through the early years of their retirement. They weren’t on any medications, and traveled extensively after retiring in 1990. Fun Fact: They literally retired on my wedding day, but that’s a story for another time!

My parents started “snowbirding” to my house beginning right after retirement, and the length of time they stayed with us gradually lengthened until they moved in completely in 2007. At that time, things were still pretty good! Pop had several cancers before that they managed independently while in Florida. I was just a person to call and a non-decision-maker.

This is the story of my father who had cancer many times.
It may have killed him, but it NEVER beat him. 

Pop Has Skin Cancer

Pop was a mailman for decades, in addition to the Army Reserves. He spent most hours of the day outside in the sunshine, and loved it. My parents (and my generation, too) were in love with Johnson’s Baby Oil, and used it to get that golden brown sunburn every summer. We didn’t know at the time that we were setting ourselves up to develop skin cancer.

The first growth-removal was fairly soon after retirement, but it was no big deal for either my father or the dermatologist. It was “routine” and “common” to have irregular moles removed, and in those early years they weren’t even tested to see if they were an aggressive form of cancer. Pop took these semi-annual visits in stride, having moles removed pretty much every six months for several years. We thought nothing of it.

Yup, it was skin cancer and so it started, “Pop has cancer.” But at least it was just skin cancer, right? Well…

Pop Has Prostate Cancer

Though prostate cancer was a little more alarming, we took care of it with ease! Since Pop was the uncommon man who made doctor’s visits regularly, this cancer was caught very early, and treated. We heard, “Pop has cancer,” but it was quickly over. So we never looked back from this one.

Pop Has Colon Cancer

Believe it or not, the colon cancer was another pretty easy one for us to manage. Similar to the skin and prostate cancer, treatment for this was relatively easy because we caught it early. The key to making The Job last indefinitely is absolutely preventative medicine. Making sure my parents were keeping up with their various doctors was paramount to the success we have had. Because we kept up on ALL regular screening and tests, there was little chance of a medical blindside.

From then on, I was convinced the cancer would keep coming back, and become more aggressive and invasive. I was right. The phrase, “Pop has cancer,” began to have a MUCH heavier weight behind it.

Pop’s Body’s “Added Health Bonus” For Us

Not cancer, but in 2007 things took a dramatic turn when a routine appointment caught an atrial fibrillation (a-fib) in Pop’s heartbeat. This was when things started to get real, and the turning point of his health. The weird thing is, I knew at the time that this was the beginning of a decline, and an increase in the number of doctors he would have to see. Don’t ask me how I knew, but I absolutely saw the decline coming. Just instinct, I suppose.

My most important piece of advice: BE THERE when decisions are being made!

And here’s why…

My parents were in Florida, and the doctor convinced them to do surgery to “shock” Pop’s heart back into rhythm. They never should have done this surgery on him; it didn’t work, and it seemed to weaken him holistically. I did not fly to Florida for the consult or the surgery, and I wish I had—I would have stopped this unnecessary procedure if at all possible. I don’t have many regrets in my 56 years, but this is one of them.

Now, I have NO medical training at all, and this procedure is apparently relatively successful on patients, so it might be the perfect thing for your parent. All I’m saying is to make an INFORMED decision. That’s the piece that was missing from my experience. I didn’t have time to research the procedure, or the opportunity to speak to the doctor, and it made a tremendous difference in the quality of Pop’s life.

So I did what I had to do…

It was at this point that I realized my parents needed someone to take control of their medical decisions, and they moved in with me full-time.

Honestly, it was an easy sell for me. That was always the plan. So, my house was designed to absorb two additional resident. I signed on for The Job as a young adult—it was just a question of when. If you plan on doing The Job at some point in the future, start the planning process now. Being reactive to a crisis is the worst way to start this process. 

Pop Has Kidney Cancer

Things took a very abrupt and painful turn when they found blood in Pop’s urine. This led to a specialist appointment to check his kidney function and revealed a mass in one kidney. Pop and I were emotionally prepared for the diagnosis, but it was hard to explain to my mom. She saw this one as a death sentence. Based on all of his medical problems, that wasn’t really out of line for her to think—things were getting pretty intense.

We had to remove the kidney. This was the biggest surgery of Pop’s life, and the most dangerous considering his ongoing a-fib, risk of stroke, and especially the use of Coumadin (blood thinner) that had made everything more difficult since the heart surgery. That considered, it was still the best decision for us.

While Pop made it through kidney surgery like a champ, the recovery kicked his butt. He went to a rehab facility for the first time ever and, even after coming home, he had home health and physical therapy for months. We started with him just walking to the kitchen, and then gradually increased his walking to build his strength. He started using a walker and he even started talking about death. We reviewed his Trust and other related documents. It was a bleak time.

Pop Has Bone Cancer

Bone cancer was the one that eventually got him. He started complaining about pain when he raised his arm, and it took a little longer to diagnose for two reasons. First, his symptoms did match arthritis, tendonitis, and other non-life threatening conditions. Second, this is not a normal progression for cancer to go from kidney to bone, so it wasn’t the doctor’s first thought.

It was time to operate and the surgery was worse than the kidney. The recovery was worse than the kidney. His attitude was worse than the kidney. Frankly, Pop was done. 

The Smartest Man I Ever Knew

My husband is the most intelligent man I’ve ever known, but Pop was definitely the smartest; and he knew when it was over.

Until the bitter end, Pop had complete use of his mental faculties, and lost none of the edge and sharpness that defined his life. Right until the end, he maintained some dignity and choice over his fate. One Friday, at 86 years old, he simply told me “I’m done, Pat. No more medicine. No more doctors.” I answered quite simply “OK, Pop.”

Nine days after that conversation, Pop was dead, peacefully in his bed. Nine days. On the seventh day, the Hospice nurse told me he was not “actively dying” and it would still be quite a bit of time. On that same day, Pop told me that he knew it was coming soon. He felt the end was near. Pop was right. That is control over your destiny.

The Two Lovebirds

I’m proud that I’ve done The Job with both extremes of eldercare. My mom is rapidly losing her memories and identity as dementia ravages her brain but Pop never lost a bit of brain power, just his body was devastated by multiple cancers.

It’s been an incredible journey, and I hope my stories are useful to others going through either experiences caring for their elderly parents. Married just short of  65 years when Pop died in 2016, my parents demonstrated for us a happy and satisfying marriage. They remained loyal and committed right to the end. 

Lessons and Suggestions

Here are my takeaways for you:

• Get involved in your parent’s medical care early, before it becomes a crisis
• Press the medical professionals for details and explanations of everything
• Use current technology to your advantage—I conference called and met online with multiple doctors
• Be prepared that no matter which you have—physical or mental decline—it’s going to be a long, tough road
• Keep yourself healthy physically and mentally—they are relying on you 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out some of the other experiences in eldercare, here! Check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

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