Things caregivers love to hear

Caregivers, as a general statement, are pretty hard on themselves. Pretty damned hard on themselves. Myself included! We tend to question every decision, and second-guess things that should be second nature to us. The Job is extremely difficult, and taxing emotionally, physically and spiritually on a daily basis. It’s easy to lean towards the negative when you are exhausted and your elderly loved one is ranting about something they are imagining, and dinner isn’t on the table and the laundry isn’t done. It piles up. Quickly. We need Hero Support. We need words of affirmation for our eldercare.

That’s where your strong, supportive team really earns their (nonexistent) paycheck. A kind word or a compliment can take on massive proportions if it’s delivered with sincerity at just the right time. Or the wrong time. Or Pacific time. ANYTIME!!!! Say the kind thing anytime and every time you can—it means the world to us.

Need a few suggestions? Read on, my friend:

Words Of Affirmation For Eldercare:
“You’re A Great Cook!”

I really am. This is extremely humorous to my relatives, because when I got married in 1990, I didn’t know how to make mac and cheese from a box. Seriously—no clue beyond cereal.

Anyway, I’m a great cook married to an amazing cook, and I’m very confident in my skills. Still…Who doesn’t want to hear that they have made a great meal? It is great for anyone to hear this common compliment, but it takes on an added jolt of joy when I’ve created a good meal while juggling the tasks related to caring for Mom and the rest of my household.

So the next time you are visiting your loved one, and the caregiver takes the time to prepare a nice, hot meal for you—sing their praises loud and clear! 

Words Of Affirmations For Eldercare:
“I like how you get them to exercise!”

A Little Background

Pop went through multiple rounds of physical and occupational therapy as a result of cancer and other surgeries he had over the years. Mom has been through two rounds of physical and occupational therapy in the past three years, as well. During, and especially after, receiving professional services of that time, you have a lot of work to do!

What We Did

Every time a therapist left my house, we had “homework” that my parents had to complete. After the services had run the course, it was equally important that Pop and Mom continue with the exercises they had been taught. The difference between a walker and a wheelchair for Mom after the fall was how hard we worked on recovery of the muscles in her hips and legs. 

That doesn’t just happen. Don’t forget that. I was the one counting “laps” that Pop did back and forth through my house after the kidney removal. He slowly built up from a half of one lap to about 20 before we called him “cured”. I would remind Mom at every commercial to do a few rotations on the mini-exercise bike contraption that built up her leg muscles. Remembering the truth that nothing “just happens” is important from the caregiver perspective. Notice it. Mention it. Rinse. Repeat. 

Words Of Affirmation For Eldercare:
“It’s great how you push the fruits and vegetables!”

Somebody once said to me “I wish [your] Mom would eat more fruit”. Yeah…me too…

Pop was a fantastic eater, and definitely ate more than his share of fresh fruit and vegetables. Heck, he grew it himself when I was a kid! Mom, on the other extreme, is a sweets eater, and will not choose fruit as a preferred snack. 

I try. Every. Day. 

I’m not universally successful in this campaign. We do pretty well with bananas and cut melons, but other than that, it’s an uphill battle with fruit. Vegetables are even worse, with her preferring the canned variety—and a very minimum of variety, too! I serve mostly steamed fresh vegetables, which she will lightly pick at.

So, my point on this one is simple: Keep it positive and expect the best. Assume that the caregiver is doing absolutely everything in their power to provide healthy foods for your loved one. Lead with the positive, always, to be strong Hero Support.

Words Of Affirmations For Eldercare:
“I appreciate how you decorated their room!”

Then

My parents were quite active and vibrant when we built my house, and they decorated and painted their bedroom, den and bathroom to their own tastes. In the twenty years that have passed, they made changes to the décor several times, and have changed their furniture to suit themselves. Now, however, it’s just Mom…and a walker.

Some things had to go.

Now

She was adamant that she keep certain items that were either sentimental or functional, but they were not compatible with the use of a walker in a home that was not built to be particularly accessible. As a result, we have made the bare minimum adjustments to her living space, the bulk of which have been to the bathroom. If you are like me, expanding the rooms is not an option, but there were absolutely a number of alternatives that were designed to be used by people with temporary or permanent mobility problems.

But the extra stuff—that was a battle. Mom is something of a collector, and loves her frogs, elephants, trolls, etc., to be all over the room. There is also the love of fresh plants and flowers to consider, and none of that takes into consideration the nine decades worth of pictures.

The Solution

Nothing was close to being as important as her safety, so we needed to be creative.

We went upwards. We have moved things off of the surfaces that she usually uses to minimize breakage and spilling, for example. Her fresh plants and flowers are now only allowed on one table, that she couldn’t possibly bump with her walker. Building shelving in all three of her spaces has helped raise the items out of the way of a clumsy walker, but kept them at eye level for her to enjoy.

Whatever changes and redecorating the caregiver needs to make, comment only on how safe and accessible it is for your loved one. It may not make it into House and Garden magazine, but it will be safe and home-y for the loved one. 

Words Of Affirmation For Eldercare:
“I recognize how enormous this job must be!”

It is an enormous job. A 24 hour a day, seven days a week 365 days a year job. Even when I’m not home, I’m working. Between scheduling and maintaining doctor’s appointments, creating a safe and welcoming space for Mom, and the near-constant care that she now needs due to the dementia, I’m always on The Job. 

Acknowledge that.

Literally, tell the caregiver when you see the little signs of how all-consuming and exhausting The Job can be.  Don’t be afraid to say “I never realized…” or “It’s really shocking…” when you see the caregiver taking on roles you never imagined. Particularly when things aren’t going according to routine, let the caregiver know how much you appreciate their efforts to do an excellent job in terrible circumstances. 

More Things To Say:
“Everything takes so long!”

Beyond basic words of affirmation for your eldercare, there are other things so say to caregivers that prove to be immensely helpful!

This is one of my things to watch when my siblings come to visit. It is stunning and frustrating how long the smallest and easiest little routine item can take Mom now. Sometimes getting her from the dinner table to the den becomes a process when a bird flies past the window, or she sees the newspaper in the living room, or she just forgets where she was heading. Taking a shower has become an all-day event now, between her refusing at least four times, then dawdling on her way to the bathroom, then wanting to sit with the heater on after the shower for at least ten minutes. That doesn’t even include the actual shower!

Getting out of the house has also taken on new meaning, and if you haven’t tried it lately, you will find that it can be a multi-step, multi-person process. It’s all about counting backwards, and estimating how long each step of the process will be. What is second-nature to you and I is an uphill battle when the dementia is raging.

Compliment the caregiver for negotiating this field of landmines anytime they are on time for something, or if they show up at all when Mom is wearing a nice, matching outfit and real shoes. Oh yeah, real shoes are quite the battle…

More Things To Say:
“I’d love to help by…”

Here we are at the key part to this week’s message! Lend a hand! Run an errand! Drop off dinner! Sit for two hours so I can see a movie! DO SOMETHING!!! You HAVE to offer, because we won’t ask.

Caregivers are an independent lot, and we are uncomfortable and unaccustomed to asking for assistance. I’ve gotten much better at asking for Mom (and years ago for Pop) when the conflict was professional. I have field trips and club activities and in-services that I need to attend outside of school hours, and I was always fine asking for help in those situations.

It is a dinner out with Sweet Husband, or going to bingo, or getting my nails done that I had trouble with! It always feels frivolous and selfish to ask for help for those types of personal tasks.

It’s much easier if you offer. 

Specifically, Though…

Don’t say “What can I do,” because my answer will be “Nothing, I’m good.” Be very specific about what tasks and what times you are willing to take over for me. Saying “Can I sit with Mom Friday night alone?” is very easy for me to say yes to, because it’s about what YOU want to do. The fact that it leads to dinner and a movie for me and Sweet Husband is a fabulous bonus.

More Things To Say:
“Would this be ok?”

Chances are good, the answer to that question will generally be a resounding YES! 

But please ask.

Do not, for one minute, think dropping off a cute kitten for Mom will be a welcome addition to my chaotic household. That can only go badly as a “surprise” gift. Same thing for houseplants—you’re making more work for me, and I don’t have green thumbs, at all.

But, other than that, have at it! Caregivers will almost always say yes to gifts and outings and other ways you can entertain and visit with your elderly loved one. We want as many people in their lives as possible, and visits and time spent together is absolutely the best way to keep those neurons firing away, and keep as much of their personality and memories as possible.

But no kittens, gerbils, birds or fish. Please! We’re looking for time and experiences at my house—not another mouth to feed!!!

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Thank you for reading about words of affirmation for eldercare!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out some other tips, like these quick ones, here, or eldercare finances, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! What are your next steps in eldercare? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.