Congratulations on making the decision to care for your aging parent in your own home! It is a big decision that requires support from every member of your household, and requires significant eldercare home preparations to make the transition smooth and seamless. 

As a devoted reader, you know I’ve cared for my parents for many years, and have lived through the decline and death of Pop, who had cancer and other physical ailments. Now, I’m living through the steady decline of my mom, a woman with moderately severe dementia who is physically completely healthy . Each of these situations required different preparation, and very different mindsets. So let’s discuss the different eldercare home preparations…

Eldercare Home Preparations

Engage Your Parent in the Decision

Nobody wants something to be “done TO them.” Everybody wants to make their own independent decisions, and guide their own lives—and deaths. My cases are relatively unique, since there was no catastrophic event that led to them living in my home. My parents and I had these conversations—as tough as they were—many, many times in the years before my parents started to become infirm. I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME!!!

We talked about the living situation they would transition to as well as the financial aspects of the arrangement. Over the years, before they needed assistance, Pop and I went through virtually every worst case scenario situation we could think of, to brainstorm ways to make it work for our family.

“It is absolutely necessary to discuss your eldercare home preparations AHEAD OF TIME”

Patti Pilat Buono

While Pop’s main concern was Mom’s care first and foremost, my primary consideration was for my (then) young family and marriage. I was quite honest with my parents about my priorities, and promised I would do everything I could for them, without sacrificing my own life.

Many times through the years, Pop repeated “Don’t sacrifice your marriage. Don’t sacrifice your family. Don’t sacrifice your career.” I’ve repeated this refrain many times through the years, as I had to make decisions for my extended family.    

Engage Your Household Members in the Decision

Nobody was happier than my kids that Granma and Pop were going to live with us. For them, that meant they had the kind of unconditional love and acceptance specific to grandparents every day! (Not to mention an endless supply of dessert!)

In the early years, it was primarily a simple, multigenerational home, and it benefited all of us. My parents had free reign over their bedroom and their den, while we had the privacy of the second floor of our home. 

As time passes, the eldercare home preparations have to develop…COMMUNICATE

As time passed, the situation—and the rules—changed and they weren’t always easy. Our rules for our teenaged children were different from what my parents thought they should be, and we had several (loud) discussions about the fact that they were our responsibility, and our rules covered our kids.

We had predictable problems with extremely loud music, raucous late night video games, and kids missing dinner with no warning. It wasn’t always easy. Fortunately, we had established open lines of communication WAY before the actual move-in date. With that, most of our (and your) disagreements are quickly and easily solved.

Don’t forget about your spouse!

The primary person in my life is my sweet husband, and it was particularly important to me that this arrangement meet with his approval.

It isn’t ever easy being the “out-law” in a family, and it was probably very difficult for him at times during the early years. My parents were still quite vital, and wanted to participate in everything in the home, which wasn’t always easy for us to agree to. We wanted things a certain way, we wanted to purchase furnishings to our taste, we wanted to decorate our own way, and there were definitely conversations a “regular” living situation would not have to deal with.

I acted as an intermediary on several occasions, advocating for what my spouse, and my marriage, needed to be healthy and strong. The key continued to be those open lines of communication—I can’t stress this enough.

Prep Your Pets

Have a furry friend at home? Yes, they require a few eldercare home preparations, as well. There are two primary questions that need to be answered in relation to the four-legged members of your home: Do your parents have any responsibilities? and Do your parents have any concerns?

We are a dog home, and it was very easy for our former dog to adapt to having my parents in the house—she was a hard-working pet whose primary concern was caring for her family. A working dog, sort of speak, all the way until her passing. Our current dog (Luna), on the other hand, has watched the decline and death of Pop, and continues to struggle with the increasingly severe dementia of her beloved Granma. That said, it was this dog that alerted me when Mom fell in 2019, and this dog who alerted me when Mom tried to “escape” the house last month. This is no ordinary pet.

All that said, she isn’t perfect for The Job.

While I wouldn’t take a million bucks for this dog, she probably isn’t the best pet for our caregiving situation. She is quite large, and just a wee bit uncoordinated. In the early years when we adopted her from the shelter, she pushed past Pop several times, which was absolutely a fall hazard. It took considerable time and effort to stop this behavior, but for a period, it was a huge cause for concern. Luckily she has greatly improved in this area, but had she not, who knows what her future in the family was. Something to think about…

The best part of having our dog is happening right now, due to the dementia. Mom sometimes thinks people are coming to get her, and we have convinced her that the dog won’t let them in. Since sweet Luna lounges primarily in her room, she feels much safer.

Prep the Public and Private Spaces

Some of the things we have done since my mother’s dementia has become severe, includes

• Putting a deadbolt lock at the very top of the front door, just in case she tries to leave
• On the back slider is a piece of wood at the bottom as a second barrier for her
• Every door on the first floor—and her walker—have bells on them, so we know when she is moving from room to room
• Since we sleep upstairs and she is downstairs, we use a video baby monitor overnight so we can see her and know when she gets out of bed for any reason

In One Sentence: Safeguard your home like you have a really bright toddler.

There are things we haven’t done (YET!) that might be important to your situation, however. We have not installed video cameras around our home. This is something we are simply not comfortable doing, and rely on her full-time Personal Care Assistant when we are out of the home, but certainly see the possible value. We have not yet had to remove the stove handles, or any of the appliances from the kitchen. My mom has lost interest in anything going on in the kitchen several years ago, but if yours hasn’t, it could save you from a possible fire or worse.

Quick Furniture Tip:

Her furniture needs to be on the hard side (sturdy, inflexible). Most elder patient with hip problems and dementia can’t get up from a soft-cushioned chair, or something without arms, so we’ve made sure all of Granma’s furniture works for her. While she liked her rocker/recliner, it was simply too unstable for her to use, so we removed it. Likewise, her bedroom had to be slightly revamped, to allow for her to use her walker all the way around her bed. Making the bed every morning is an activity that she enjoys, so we needed to make sure it was still possible for her. 

Prep You and Your Significant Other for the Eldercare Home Preparations

The most important relationship you have is with your significant other. Remember: “Don’t sacrifice your marriage.”

Since both my spouse and I work full time in education, we value our time off, and feel it is extremely important to carve out time for each of us individually and as a couple. Since my husband understands my restless nature, and how I handle stress, he encourages me to take trips with my friends and kids without him from time to time. I, of course, do the same for him, so he can go surfing or to concerts. But what about time as a couple?

Build your support network, build it good and strong. Build it BEFORE your parent moves in with you, and nurture those relationships.

I have a tremendous support system that keeps this ship floating. My best friend is only a few blocks away, and was my first call when Mom needed 911 while I was at work. She’s my travel buddy, and my home support buddy when Brian and I go out of town. She has had a house key far longer than my own children (BEFORE my parents moved in) and she is better with my dog than I am!

I’m also the youngest of five kids, so for longer respite periods—like my family vacation to Hawaii last year—one of my brothers came and stayed with Mom.

Paid Support Teams

We also have our paid support team, through the company that provides Mom’s Personal Care Assistant. Having someone who knows Mom’s routine, and has earned her love and trust over the past few years has made it possible for Brian and I to get away together. Whether it’s for just an evening or a weekend, we know Mom is taken care of by her Personal Care Assistant.

You’re thinking right now about who your support team is, right? Good. You need them.

Now…Punt!

Okay…the house is ready…doctors lined up…bedroom and sitting area ready with expanded cable options…grab bars in the shower…no loose rugs…space for the walkers…what am I forgetting???

The Great Unknown!!!

That’s what you are forgetting, but that’s okay—you can’t control what you can’t predict. Who would have guessed Mom would hide her car keys so well that nobody has found them yet? How could I think Mom would go sit out back when nobody was looking? What do you mean the doctor only does morning appointments? She won’t eat that anymore?

I HAD NO IDEA!!! And you won’t either!

There are a thousand things that are going to trip you up. Numerous changes on a day-to-day basis that you can’t predict or plan for. I was STUNNED when she refused showers completely, but we got through it. Wanting to go out in her jammies? Dealt with that one, too. 

Don’t ask “what’s next?” ask “what can I control?”

• Build your support team. Paid and unpaid. You will need every one of them.
• Prepare your physical space as best you can to be safe.
• Construct your attitude of gratitude as strongly as possible. You’ll need the positive energy
• Remember that you love this person, and they have cared for you for many years, too.
• Finally, remember this phase will pass, and you will be stronger and happier for having done The Job.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out some other tips for eldercare home preparations, here, or check out another story, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment what your favorite tip of mine was! Where to YOU plan on traveling next? Let me know.

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