Because they said so…
I’m not a lawyer. I don’t pretend to be a lawyer. Do not mistake my opinions for facts, and consult a professional to properly answer your questions.
I’m just a daughter who loves her parents. I’m just The Mayor of Crazytown trying to do The Job to the best of my ability.
I never, ever thought what I did was legally required. I never thought I’d write a blog like this one.
I don’t agree with these laws, but we really need to talk about them.
It’s the law. Literally
The technical name of it is “filial law”, and 30 states have it on their books. While some states only require you to financially care for your loved one if you are able, some of the states make it your responsibility regardless of ability.
My state is on the list, but the states my parents originally retired to, Florida and Arizona—with two of the highest percentages of senior citizens in the country—do NOT have filial laws.
Ain’t that just a hoot?
Moral Imperative
This week’s topic is the legal responsibility that might be thrust upon you with regard to your parents, their retirement years, and particularly their financial obligations.
But you and me, we aren’t doing this because the law says we have to, are we?
I agreed to The Job decades ago, perhaps as you did, willingly and with full disclosure about what The Job might ultimately entail. While we couldn’t possibly predict every eventuality my parents would face—or how my life might have turned out differently—we went into this arrangement willingly.
For me, and me alone, taking care of my parents as they aged and became infirm was a moral imperative. There was no way I wasn’t going to be intimately involved in their care as they became unable to do for themselves.
It doesn’t make me better than anyone else—my siblings or you. It doesn’t make me a superior child, or even the favorite. It’s just who I am.
If you are reading this, I’m betting it’s you, too. Nice to meet you.
We don’t need laws to compel us to do what we feel is right for our family. We are doing it out of love. Keep on keeping on, my friend.
So, Boo Boo, where do you live?
There are thirty states currently on the list who have filial laws that make you legally responsible for not only the care of your parents, but the debts they might incur as a result of failing health.
It’s a sobering fact, and one I had never considered. It’s downright scary, actually.
I’ve already commented on Nevada, Florida and Arizona. Despite being in the top five for retirement living, only Nevada has filial laws of those three. Considering my reader-base, I encourage you to check out the list, since New Jersey, Pennsylvania and California are all on it.
Oh, boy…
What Does The Law INTEND?
Originally intended to minimize the costs to the state for Medicaid, the law is designed to compel adult children who are able to pay for the long-term care and ongoing expenses of their parents.
While rarely pulled into service, these laws remain active and enforceable, further stressing and burdening those of us who agree to care for our loved ones. Technically, I can incur civil and criminal penalties if I refuse to do The Job. Can you believe it?
What Does The Law SAY?
Filial laws, mostly enacted when family traditions obligated a child to step in to assist a parent, require you to provide for the care and health of your loved one, in the event they can’t provide for themselves. While some states base this on your ability to pay, there are other states that can saddle you with your parents ongoing debt in spite of your own financial situation.
Let’s look at what filial law generally applies to:
- Any costs over and above what Medicaid and welfare cover
- All costs if your parent does not qualify for Medicaid
- Any and all medical bills your loved one can’t cover themselves
- Any and all costs of living and personal needs that your loved one can’t cover
Those are very broad things, which could ultimately make you financially responsible for everything up to and including their long-term care. The idea of me having to cover The Facility Mom is living in right now is staggering, and would absolutely bankrupt my family at this point.
Oh, boy…
Why Me, And Not My Sibling?
What a great question you ask, Boo Boo!
I have absolutely no idea.
With everything I researched for this blog, I couldn’t find anything that explained why I might be held accountable but my four siblings wouldn’t. Nothing I found talked about sharing or splitting the responsibilities, even if one child lives with the parent to provide care.
Like I said, I’m not a lawyer, and I did not consult a lawyer for this blog. What I found, however, was information about when you can refuse to provide care for your parents, but it was really sketchy. For example, if you had a “difficult and complex relationship”, it is possible to get out of legally caring for them, but it sounds like getting around it would include a long and expensive legal battle.
Details You Need To Know…
What I did find, however, in articles and other blogs, was a dizzying list of things that could happen to me if I refuse to pony up my retirement funds to pay for Mom’s living expenses. It seems incredible to me that my entire future could be in financial ruin to take care of my parent, when I have already successfully raised my own children.
But I did find some really unsettling facts…
- “Up to their investment in you” – This one was startling enough to quote. According to the law, your financial responsibility could be based on how much your parents spent on you growing up. The example was, literally, if your parents paid for you to go to college, you might be on the hook for that amount. Who knew?
- Can garnish your wages if you refuse – Not unlike child support or alimony, if I am found to be culpable for Mom’s bills and medical care, the court can garnish my wages or attach my personal property to pay for her care. I can literally lose my house to keep Mom in The Facility.
- Can put me in jail! – Criminal responsibility for not caring for your loved one can actually result in me being put in jail. Like, real jail. For paying my own bills instead of Mom’s.
What Does This Mean?
Nothing. Do your Job.
I very much hated writing this blog. It cut me to the quick, and went against absolutely everything I know about The Job. While I have numerous friends who are providing financially for their loved one, absolutely none of them are doing it with the legal gun to their head. Those of us who do The Job are doing it out of love, dedication, and probably a little of that moral imperative we mentioned.
Let’s just put this blog down to “interesting information I read”, and not have it color or change how we feel about caring for our loved one. While it is logical and realistic to feel some resentment or frustration with siblings who do not participate, it doesn’t matter in the long run, as long as your loved one is being taken care of properly.
Can we be honest? We wanted to be The Mayor all along anyway. What’s a few thousand dollars in medical bills compared to the peace of mind we have for having done The Job to the best of our abilities?
They’re worth it.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!
Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading all about your legal responsibility!
Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out tax season for the elderly, here, or if you’ve read that, check out more eldercare products you need, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!
Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!
Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.
Oh! And don’t forget to check out my video series by CLICKING HERE!!!
Resources
https://www.trustworthy.com/blog/legally-responsible-for-elderly-parents
https://www.medicinenet.com/can_you_refuse_to_care_for_an_elderly_parent/article.htm
https://www.elderlawanswers.com/requiring-adult-children-to-pay-for-aging-parents-7666