Here it is, Boo Boo!
My [satirical] trusty list of places you SHOULD NOT ever travel! These horrible, overpriced and over-hyped places are not for you, and should be avoided at all costs. Don’t worry, dear reader, I’ve provided alternatives that are, in some cases, significantly better!
Travel To: The Grand Canyon
The worst things: Now only is this big old hole in the ground really, really far from everything, but, hey, it’s just a hole! You can either drive to the Grand Canyon in Arizona, or take a really hokey, outdated, Western-style train to the edge of the canyon. Plus, the Grand Canyon is absolutely FREE, and we know that nothing free is ever worth your time. Avoid this tourist trap, with its epic views and hikes down the sidewalls of a canyon at all costs.
Go here instead: I’m sure there is a really, really nice park in your town that has a little overlook you could visit. Maybe there is something on the interstate highway with a car pull-out for you to look at a view of a hill. Yeah…that’ll about do it.
Travel To: The Cayman Islands
The worst things: Seven Mile Beach! Who needs it!?!? I can do just fine with my six-foot square blanket and two low chairs in my backyard. Not only that, but the water changes color right before your eyes from blue to green to teal to azure—who needs that type of color confusion? Plus, while I’m sitting in my low chair I’ve hauled halfway around the world from Nevada, people keep asking me if I want a cool beverage! How rude!!! And another thing—that Sting Ray City thing they have right in the middle of the ocean, let’s talk about that! Why would anyone be interested in wading in warm, clear water to see and interact with a marvelous creature like a ray!? I had to get wet—that’s not why I go to the beach!
Go here instead: I’m positive the local pet shop in your town will have at least one or two iguanas you can look at. I doubt you’ll be able to touch them or feed them, but you can certainly look through the glass without having to put on a bathing suit and get in the water. Or, check out the goldfish. It’s not like the coral reefs and Caribbean sea have any more exotic or beautiful fish for you to look at!
Travel To: Disney World…Land…either!
The worst things: Oh, puuhhhhleeaaassee!!! Why on earth would anybody head to a domestic Disney theme park? Not only is it only pay-one-price to get in and experience all of the rides and shows, but there are so many of them you won’t be able to finish them all in a day. Now I’ve got to spend even more time there! I certainly didn’t appreciate that Disney “hospitality”, which has happy, smiley people constantly asking how I’m doing, and what they can do to help me. Leave me alone, that’s what! As for those “characters” that just show up and want a hug—what are you, my therapist???
Go here instead: Save your money and ride your bike around the block! You’ll be able to experience the only “ride” from your garage, and if you’re lucky, that weird neighbor of yours will be out mowing his lawn with his Plumber’s crack hanging out—he’s enough of a character for me!
Travel To: Washington, DC
The worst things: How many museums can a person possibly stand? Especially for free—they can’t be worth anything if they just let anybody in, can they? All that walking from memorial to museum to National Capitol to the reflecting pool—do they think I’m in shape for all of this? I won’t even need to drive for that whole week, since they have excellent public transportation that I’ll be forced to take.
Go here instead: There is a small pond in the park near my house, and there is even an American flag hanging on a pole. How much more patriotic do you want me to be? As for the museums…well, just go visit your old neighbor down the street and look at her stuff.
Travel To: San Juan, PR
The worst things: Why would anyone want to visit an island that is sort of the USA, but sort of it’s own thing? Not only are those old, cobblestone streets hard on my feet, but visiting that old fort and being able to learn about the battles that took place is just downright boring. And the food! Let me tell you, the different spices and the way they prepare food is enough to make you run back to your local McDonalds!
Go here instead: If you want to visit old forts and the historic streets of Old Town San Juan, just head to the oldest part of your own town! I’m sure there will be uneven pavement and exciting things for you there. As for food…I’ll stick with Taco Bell for that kind of stuff.
Travel To: Chicago, IL
The worst things: They take a very decent path through a park and turn it into an ice skating rink! Who wants that? Now only that, but wandering the free zoo after walking on the also free Navy Pier is about all I can stand! If something is worth doing, it certainly should come with a hefty price tag. Even that Wrigley Field is nothing great—right inside a neighborhood with great seats and inexpensive concessions. What’s wrong with them?
Go here instead: I’m sure like me you prefer all of your sports on the television set—who has time to actually go to a game? Plus, I have a dog in my house—keep your free zoo with lions, giraffes and gorillas!
Travel To: Las Vegas, NV
The worst things: Nobody told me to bring comfortable shoes to visit the gambling capital of the world! Why would I want to walk a block or two away to find vastly different shopping, restaurant and gaming options? Just sit me in front of a machine and come back tomorrow. And those shows on Fremont Street! Free free free—what’s their angle with all of that entertainment, anyway?
Go here instead: Turn your desk light on really bright and you’ll think you’re in the casino anyway. Just leave a $20 on the table when you leave and stay home.
Travel To: London, UK
The worst things: The history, the castles, the immense park system, the public transportation and the food. I just can’t state enough how worthless this destination is for you! You’ll walk a good 20,000 steps in one day looking at places and things of historical significance that you never imagined were real, ending your day in an entertainment area as big and diverse as Times Square, NY. Total yuck.
Go here instead: This may be my best suggestion yet, dear reader, so get ready. Just binge Downton Abbey and The Crown, back to back, and you’ll be well and truly satisfied.
Travel To: Seattle, WA
The worst things: They have a fish market right out in the open downtown! With real fish! Who needs to see that, mixed in between hundreds of stores and stalls with very different and interesting local products. Plus, that Chihuly museum was full of glass—I was worried I would knock something over. As for the Space Needle, well, it’s really high up.
Go here instead: when I want to see fish, I can just head to my local grocery store—I’m sure the fish there are just as fresh and tasty. Plus, I’ve got plenty of glass in my kitchen that I’m already worried about breaking.
Travel To: Cozumel, MX
The worst things: Not only are we stuck back on a beautiful beach with restaurants, shops and plenty of walking in the sand, but there are Mexican ruins here, too. How am I supposed to decide what to do when there is more than one option? I think Mexico should make up it’s mind whether it wants to be filled with beaches or ruins. I don’t appreciate the pressure.
Go here instead: Go to Walmart, and buy a sandart kit in the kid’s section. You will be able to make your own sand sculpture that looks just like some of those Mexican ruins. I’m sure there are plenty of pictures on the internet to help you get it just right.
Travel To: Barcelona, Spain
The worst things: Have you ever had food from Spain? It’s full of flavors and spices, and is usually served with some tasty, sweet wine that you aren’t familiar with. I hate anything I’m not familiar with! When you add in the different museums and historical places you can go to see, you’ll have way too many choices if you go to Barcelona. You don’t want to have to make tough decisions, do you?
Go here instead: Buy a Spanish rice dish at your local grocery store, and open some box wine. Extra points if you sit outside to eat, like you are at a sidewalk cafe in Barcelona. As for the historical stuff…turn on AMC and watch an old movie. That will be in black and white, so you know it’s old.
Travel To: Central Park, Manhattan, NYC
The worst things: This park is much too big and diverse for me to cover in one afternoon, so it’s just not worth my time. There are restaurants, and carnival-style rides, not to mention yet another zoo for me to find as I enjoy my horse-drawn carriage ride through the park. Getting here is much too simple, because of the multitude of public transit options, so it can’t be all that special, right?
Go here instead: Take your dog for a walk in a really forestry-type area near you. You can pretend you’re riding your dog like a horse. Bring a Capri Sun and granola bar, and it’ll be like you got a hot dog from a street vendor. You’ll be fine.
Travel To: Waikiki, HI
The worst things: Not another island!?!? Everywhere I look, I see the clearest blue water bouncing off the cleanest beaches of my life. And, look, interrupting my view is another one of those darn green sea turtles just swimming along like he lives here. Not only is Pearl Harbor free, but so is Diamond Head hiking, and every single beach in the state. They don’t charge for anything around here…and you know how I feel about free. As for eating, it is probably the most international dining scene I’ve seen, which is just too many choices for me. I’m out.
Go here instead: Fill up your tub, get in and make some waves. Extra points if you have a rubber ducky that looks like a green sea turtle if you squint.
You’re Welcome
This brings me to the end of my list of places nobody should visit.
Now you know where to avoid, and can make more informed decisions so that you can spend too much money going to lesser locations.
That’s the American Dream, right? Overspending for a lesser product?
Enjoy your planning, Boo Boo~
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!
Thank you for reading all about where you should not travel!
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