When You Are Chosen for the Moment of Death

Congratulations, Boo Boo! You have been chosen to be with your loved one for the moment they take their final breaths in this world: Death. When their heart stops beating for the final time, you are the one who gets to feel the last bit of air leave their body as they fade away. You will be there when the hand you are holding goes slack, and starts to cool. Congratulations!

“Pat…are you freaking crazy?” I hear you from across the internet shaking your head at me. 

I am dead serious, my friend (see what I did there?). 

Seriously, though, I’m serious. Congratulations.

The single greatest honor in this life is to be chosen to bear witness to the very end of a life. It is a tremendous gift that is bestowed upon you. You should feel very proud. You should feel honored. 

You should get ready. 

IYKYK

Anyone who has been present at a death knows exactly what I am talking about.. The peace, the calm, the otherworldliness of it is staggering. The finality is deafening. 

I was at Pop’s side when he took his final breath. I knew it the second it happened, and I took a precious few seconds to swallow the enormity of the moment of death. Then, yeah, I screamed bloody murder. I called his name, cried and completely fell apart. But, first, I let the experience of it wash over me, and I was in the moment. I suggest you prepare yourself as best you can for a very similar experience, and reaction.

We are caregivers for the sick and elderly. This is our eventuality. There comes a moment when you just can’t deny it anymore. Just like everything else we do for them, we need to get ready for this.

You Will Have Time To Prepare

Nobody is getting run over by a bus here. Nobody is having a shocking stroke at age 18. We are doing The Job for someone who has lived a good, long life. We can’t pretend to be surprised or shocked when the inevitable happens. We may have thought we had more time, but we can’t waste the time we actually have.

Years

Buy the flowers, Boo Boo. Make the trip to spend Mother’s Day with them instead of celebrating yourself. Set your alarm so you remember to call every Sunday. Too often we let the minutiae of our lives dictate how we spend our limited free time, and we ignore or abandon the promises we made as children to honor and love our parents. Death is coming for you and me both, not just your loved one, so make sure you are prioritizing the demonstration of love they deserve. 

Months

For so many sufferers of dementia, this dreaded disease follows a very predictable pattern from onset through the shutting down of vital functions. It’s not really a surprise how things will progress if this disease is in fact what takes their life. I expect to know when Mom reaches the point of having a variable amount of time left. I’ll probably be wrong about how long or how lucid she will be, but it isn’t common for dementia sufferers to die unexpectedly from a heart attack or stroke, so I think I’ll know. At that point, I’ll make every effort to increase the time I spend with her before she is too far gone. I’ll surround her with her favorite things, tell her some of her favorite stories, and hold her hand while I hum some of her favorite tunes. 

Days

It takes days to die a natural death, you know. It is cruel and ugly, and it takes its sweet time. When vital functions and organs start to shut down, the nurses will be able to tell you that, and you will know you are on borrowed time. I’ll do what I did with Pop, and read aloud from a book I knew he would have liked. It wasn’t deep and meaningful conversations, after all, but he was past that. I just wanted him to hear a loving voice as things were winding down. They will hear you…just keep talking. 

Minutes

I doubt I’ll know when it comes down to minutes. I didn’t with Pop, and he declined super fast, so I doubt I’ll be able to gauge Mom’s passing this accurately. So, I’ll keep talking. Keep reading and singing. And holding her hand in mine. Don’t forget to hold their hand. 

Seconds

Say goodbye. In the seconds before passing, and the seconds after passing, just say goodbye. Let them leave in peace with nothing but love surrounding them. 

Don’t Sit Vigil Alone

Who am I kidding? I can’t predict this stuff with too much accuracy. I mean, yeah, when the vital organs start going you’re on a time clock, but before that…it’s a crapshoot. Mom is the healthiest person on earth, so I don’t know how long this might go on.

But, when it gets close, you’ll know. Whether it’s intuition, a really compassionate nurse, or your faith, I don’t know. But you will know, I hope, when it is time to sit the Death Vigil. Sitting vigil means something different to everyone, and each person needs to do what is best for them. When Pop died, for example, I was alone in the room. Mom couldn’t stand to just sit there and watch him, so she was watching television in another room. It didn’t mean she didn’t love him—it was just her own way to sit in waiting. Don’t judge anybody, but make sure people have the chance to decide for themselves. 

Call Everybody Important

You might be The Mayor, but Crazytown is big, and includes many different people. They don’t have the intel you have, and probably won’t realize the end is near. It is your responsibility to, literally, call them home. They are important to your loved one, and they deserve the right to make their own decisions about whether or not they want to come to say goodbye and, perhaps, witness the end. This isn’t the time to let old grudges and fights cloud your actions. No, this will be your shining moment, when you stand up and truly follow their wishes to have people with them. Do the right thing, and dial the damn phone. It’s not about you.

Call The Medical Professionals

Chances are very good the medical professionals will piss you off, because they are trained NOT to tell you when the end is imminent. They have decent reasons for not sharing this information with you—most importantly their own liability—but you need to call them anyway. If nothing else, ask them for something to ease your loved one’s journey to the next adventure. The liquid morphine I used an eye dropper to give Pop near the end helped him go without anxiety or pain. So, yeah, call them and see if there is anything they can do to help you and your loved one. 

What To Bring With You?

It might sound morbid to regular people, but I have definitely planned out the Death Vigil with Mom. Maybe it’s because I already went through that moment of death and vigil with Pop, but I really think it is important to think about, and plan, this time period as much as you can so that you can experience this transition with your loved one in peace.

So, please, think about it. I know you don’t want to imagine it, but you owe it to them to prepare for their death in as detailed a manner as you plan what you will serve them for dinner. They deserve the fullest measure of your care and consideration at the end, more than any other time of their lives. 

Don’t leave things to chance.

Homework For Next Week…

I’m going to leave you here on purpose, my friends. I have some homework for you to do before I outline for you the Death Vigil plan, and give you suggestions for preparing yourself. 

1. Think deeply about your loved one at their finest. What did they love to do? Where did their passions lie? Make a list.
2. Consider your own death vigil. What would you want? Who would you want? If you were floating above it, what would you hope to see at the moment of death?
3. Create a document for the Death Vigil. Start at the top with the list of people that you need to contact. Put them in order. Leave room for you to write notes when you speak to them. 
4. Make your Go Bag. This is a duffel bag with everything you need for 48 hours in case something goes really wrong unexpectedly and you end up in the hospital with your loved one when the end is near. What would you absolutely need to have on hand?

See you next week…

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about what to do at the moment of death!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out traveling sick, here, or if you’ve read that, check out how to talk to your siblings, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

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