What To Avoid Talking About For Dementia Patients:
What you should do…
Today was a big day. We intended to introduce Granma to someone very important to RobberBaron. That was our intention, but we knew that the entire master plan hinged on how Granma was doing when we got there.
With dementia, I never know who I’m going to find when I enter The Facility. I am never quite sure what she will—or won’t—be wearing, or even where she’ll be. A few weeks ago, she was sitting quietly in someone else’s room. Just sitting there. Some days it takes a little while for her to even register than it’s me, nevermind a total stranger.
So, we all entered the building, and she was sitting alone in the TV room watching one of my favorites—Little House on the Prairie. I went up to her and her face lit up, so I knew we had crossed the first hurdle. I spoke to her briefly, and recognized that today was, fortunately A Good Day. One of the few we’ve had lately. So I motioned everyone to come say hello, and we started a wonderful visit.
It could have gone a very different way, and none of us would have been surprised or upset. We would have aborted the effort and tried another day.
This blog is all about what you should AVOID talking about as things progress with dementia.
Your Place In Their Life
You are the sun, moon, and stars to your loved one. Their days are no longer filled with interesting and fun things, so when you show up, the sky opens and their day becomes brighter and filled with love.
Never doubt the power that you have in their daily existence.
So, I want to remind you, that most of the time, keeping a visit on the “straight and narrow” and keeping them happy will absolutely fall to you. “Heavy is the head that wears the crown” (Shakespeare) remember?
DON’T DO THIS!!
You know how positive I am as a rule, and how much I detest framing anything in a negative way. But this topic needs to be addressed head on and quite clearly, so that you can enjoy better visits with them, and they can remain as calm as possible.
I recognize the difficulties in keeping a conversation going with Mom in severe dementia. It isn’t easy on the best of days, and takes a lot of work and purposeful topics for me to get some participation from Mom without getting her upset. Here are the five things to avoid at all costs:
Avoid Talking About For Dementia: Never Tell Them They Are Wrong
Everything Mom says is just fine with me.
No, it isn’t usually correct, but it isn’t the end of the world, either. Just today, she was convinced that Big Brother Bill was no longer in Roanoke (Virginia) and that I was wrong. Okay…he really is in Roanoke…but who cares? There was absolutely no value or use in my correcting her about this if it caused her to be upset. I was so excited that she even brought Big Brother Bill up by name that we called him right away! He was so thrilled to hear from her—especially when she said “I love ya, Billy”—that he would have agreed to living in Antarctica!!
Avoid Talking About For Dementia: Please Don’t Correct Them About Anything
Mom can’t remember the proper words for most products anymore. She stumbles a lot with her speech, and will just substitute anything she can think of instead of the correct word. As long as I can figure out what she was intending to say, I don’t correct her. What would be gained by me correcting her that she was wearing a sweater instead of a bowler, like she said?
The truth of it is that no matter what she says to me this morning, she has already forgotten it by lunch. Correcting grammar or phrasing or word choice would serve absolutely no purpose at the time, nor would it have any long-lasting impact. Upsetting her by correcting her and making her feel stupid—now that could have far-reaching consequences.
Don’t Press Their Memory
Okay, okay, so I do this every single day. You should, too.
Every visit, I try to run through at least one or two branches of our family tree, to keep names and memories and events in her brain. I’ll run through who still lives on the east coast one day, or which grandchildren are still single another day.
There is absolutely no doubt that I press her memory every single day, in my continuing efforts to keep her grounded in this reality. I’m desperately trying to keep her with me for as long as possible, even though I know it is a losing battle.
But I never press her to remember, herself. While I will talk about people, I don’t demand that she answer me about whose kid it is, or their spouse’s name. I just talk about people and help her be part of the conversation.
So what do I do if she gets something wrong? I don’t press her or make her feel stupid—I just go with the flow, and change the topic to something, or someone, else.
I keep trying.
Why Bring Up Things That Upset Them?
We had a death in the family last month, as Mom’s last surviving sister lost her spouse. I feel bad for my aunt, and will mark the occasion in a proper way.
But I won’t tell Mom.
She probably wouldn’t remember her brother-in-law, but talking about people dying? That could have a serious negative impact on her day, and it’s just not worth it for me to do that.
Fortunately, with severe dementia, it is extremely easy to change topics and redirect their scattered brain, which is what I do when I accidentally step into something upsetting. If you accidentally start a conversation that becomes upsetting or heated for your loved one, do your best to quickly and smoothly redirect their attention to something to diffuse the situation.
Watch Your Tone!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was young, Mom could look into my eyes and tell me, with military precision, how many days I had until my period started. It was incredible! She was that attuned to my body and my personality.
She still is, and now it can really haunt me. Watch your tone and facial expressions. Even with severe dementia, Mom is very tuned into how I look and how I sound. Once last week I was sitting on her chair and I didn’t realize I was slouching. She looked away from the television and said “Did you have a good day at work?” She is still that intuitive.
So, do what I do every single time I visit The Facility. I stop at the door, take a deep breath and center my thoughts and feelings strictly on my love for my mom. Only when I am centered and focused on my mission do I enter the door with my happy smile and good attitude.
Don’t ever burden your loved one with your real life—those days are over with dementia.
Leave Before You Get Frustrated
My in-laws kept their mother home until the very end. I wish I could have done that, but it wasn’t meant to be. I was getting exhausted, frustrated and just plain angry trying to redirect her multiple times a day. The angry outbursts, the attempts to get out of the house, the refusal to eat or take medications got to me. I found myself arguing with her about ridiculous things she didn’t even mean. I would get upset and forget that I was, in essence, dealing with a toddler who just isn’t getting their way.
I admit it. I wasn’t my best self near the end. I wasn’t the optimum caregiver.
I’m very proud of myself for recognizing that I was not doing the best possible job, and finding a place where Mom could be safe and protected 24/7, freeing me up to visit and enjoy the rest of her days with her.
If you find yourself getting frustrated, get the hell out of there. Whether it’s The Facility, the hospital or your own kitchen. Leave. Do not burden them with your moods and your feelings. They deserve only the best from us.
DO THIS INSTEAD!!!
Remember your “Why”, my dear friends. Never forget your “Why”. It carries me through the toughest visits and the toughest days. Even if my school day sucks eggs, if I have scheduled myself with a visit to The Facility, I still go. It might take a good five minutes of breathing before I open the door, but I go.
I’m her whole world.
I owe her the best of me during the worst time in her life. She’s my mom…
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!
Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about what to avoid talking about for dementia!
Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out dementia products, here, or if you’ve read that, check out managing medicine strategies, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!
Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!
Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.
Oh! And don’t forget to check out my video series by CLICKING HERE!!!
Resources
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/language-dementia-what-not-to-say
3 thoughts on “What To Avoid Talking About For Dementia Patients:”