What if the caregiver dies? Then what?
No, I Am Not Invincible
I feel like I am. I certainly act like I am. I’m not. Neither are you.
We are, however, legally, morally and ethically responsible for another living person, and we have a responsibility to take care of them in case of an emergency in your life. This is not unlike raising children, really. Sweet Husband and I were bound by duty and love to arrange things in case one or both of us became unable to perform our duties as a parent.
The biggest difference is that this job won’t end. My kids reached the point where we could pass the responsibilities directly on to them, but Mom will be dependent on me for as long as she lives.
The other problem is that I am the responsible party. While Sweet Husband shoulders so much of my burdens with Mom, he actually has no legal responsibility—or authorization—in regards to her.
Which means if the caregiver dies—if you die—there is a black hole that will envelope your loved one. Unless you plan for it in advance. I strongly suggest you do that. Right now.
Appointing A New Mayor Of Crazytown
Decades ago, my parents paperwork named my sister and I jointly responsible for them in case of incapacity. There weren’t any real problems—at the time my sister and I agreed on everything—but it wasn’t feasible in the long run. We lived on opposite coasts, and, most importantly, my parents moved in with me. I couldn’t stop time just to confer with my sister if something went wrong. About twenty years ago, Pop changed the legal documents, giving me sole responsibility for them medically and financially.
There can only be one Mayor. It’s you, Boo Boo. Congratulations.
When Pop changed the paperwork, he made my sister the second, in case something were to happen to me (again, if the caregiver dies). This legally provides a path forward if I drop dead. How nice.
But my sister hasn’t been involved in their care for years.
My sister has no idea of what Mom’s daily care consists of anymore.
The new Mayor isn’t me.
To protect my mother’s health, I need to do significant legwork to make sure that the transition would be a smooth one, should I get hit by that train today.
Creating A Written Record
We have talked many times in this blog about creating a written record of everything that happens with your loved one. Should I get decapitated by a falling piano (the caregiver dies), there must be evidence for my sister to follow so she can step in and take care of Mom.
Below I will go over with you what must be included in your Emergency Care Plan, so that a transition can be made for your loved one’s care. It’s very important.
But it’s incomplete.
More importantly, you need to have a written record of HOW to properly care for your loved one. Getting a list of medications is easy, but knowing what shows she likes to watch on what channel and which day comes from daily contact, which is what your new Mayor hasn’t had. Knowing how to diffuse one of her angry days, and what to offer her for snacks depending on that mood comes from your years of experience and trial and error. Things the new Mayor doesn’t know about.
That’s why I strongly encourage you to write an anecdotal record of your life as a caregiver. I don’t call it a “Diary”, but it should be frequent and clear enough to give the new Mayor tips and tricks to help them get going in your absence.
What Should Be In The Emergency Care Plan
Here is all of the important, legal documents that your successor will need pretty darned fast if you get eaten by a great white shark. These should be cataloged, up to date and available for the new Mayor to get started right away. There is no “down time” in our caregiving lives, so we need to make this transition seamless and easy for the new Mayor.
Personal info including Social Security number
When is the last time you needed to provide your actual Social Security number or card? I’m guessing it’s been a while, but this piece of information becomes extremely important when you are dealing with end of life, and post-death paperwork.
All insurance information
I still keep Mom’s actual insurance cards in her wallet, even though she doesn’t carry her purse anywhere anymore. It may not be the safest spot—it isn’t a safe—but I know where they are. What I do keep in the emergency plan is a photocopy of the front and back of all of her insurance information. Once, several years ago, she lost her insurance card, and the hospital accepted the photocopy, so I was very glad I had it.
Past health issues
One of my brothers called recently and asked if Pop had kidney stones. The answer was no, but it reminded me that I’m the only one of the five children who actually knows every single medical thing that has happened over the decades. My siblings know about every hospitalization, but they weren’t involved in the random cataracts, steroid shots or dental issues. That’s why it’s important to keep an anecdotal list of everything—you don’t know what might turn into a full-fledged problem in the future after you’re gone.
Current health issues
Things can crop up very quickly when you are caring for a senior citizen, particularly if the dementia hides the preliminary symptoms. For example, Mom recently had a bladder infection but didn’t realize it. For this reason, it’s important for you to keep your records as current as possible—don’t just tell yourself “I’ll update it next week”.
Current list of medicines AND where to get them
Mom is on auto-refill for the few things she takes, and I strongly recommend you do the same. It is effortless for me, and ensures she always has what she needs whether I remember or not. In your emergency kit, make sure you list all of the auto-refills you have, so the new Mayor doesn’t waste time or especially money over-ordering pills or medical supplies.
Current list of doctors AND contact numbers
If you Google your doctor’s name, you might be surprised when more than one comes up! Or, you’ll be shocked to learn that they have multiple offices in your town. That’s why it’s important to not only have a list of the doctors and their contact information, but make sure you identify which office you prefer for convenience—it will make it easier on the new Mayor.
Comfort items
Mom has a preferred brand of disposable underwear. Something that personal needs to be identified, so the new Mayor can purchase the correct type. It might sound like a small detail, but it is important to Mom, which makes it important to me.
Location of important papers
Another document I have repeatedly recommended you have will list the location of all important paperwork, and especially who can help you in case of an emergency. They need to know who the lawyer is, and the accountant for taxes, and anyone else who has any level of authority over their financial or medical life. Keeping this document in two places—with the Emergency Care Plan and with the legal documents—will ensure that the new Mayor has everything she needs to step in right away.
Legally Changing Care Leader
The bank, the hospital and the court system won’t recognize the new Mayor just because they have the pin number for the checking account. This all needs to be done legally. Despite my sister being the second person in case I get swept away in a tornado, there are steps she would need to take to establish herself as the new Mayor.
You need a lawyer
The family lawyer will be incredibly important to the new Mayor as she tries to work through the daily process of caring for your loved one. This should, in a perfect world, be an established relationship already, so please find a family lawyer NOW, so that they will be familiar with everything your loved one has, and what their wishes were before the dementia took over.
Who is the logical person?
If the caregiver dies, who should take over? Should it be my sister? I don’t know—her life has certainly changed in the past decades, and she is still across the country from Mom. In the same breath, I don’t want to burden Sweet Husband any more than I need to after my plunge down a black hole in the atmosphere. Either way, it’s not for me to say—my parents made this decision, and cleared it with my sister, decades ago. It’s her turn.
Will Mom Need To Be Relocated?
This is the biggest problem I can foresee when my motorcycle fails to clear the Grand Canyon. If a caregiver dies, the location can become a huge hassle. She is comfortable and secure in her current facility, which is the single most important thing for her. But, shouldn’t she be near my sister’s current location?
While this conundrum keeps me up at night, it’s outside of my span of control. I’ll be gone, and the paperwork from the 1990’s will be used to make those decisions. All I can do right now is to keep everything as current and organized as I possibly can to help whoever comes after me.
Mayor, Be Prepared
Really, the only thing I control is the organization of things right now. I have an “In case the caregiver dies …” document, and several people know where it is and what’s in it. It can’t change or circumvent my parents’ previous wishes, but it should make things a little easier for everyone.
My main goal right now is to stay alive and healthy. Something I don’t completely control, so I have to be ready for a transition of power at all times. But “power” isn’t really the key factor for my mom.
Remember—taking care of the legal things is important, but your loved one’s comfort, safety and security is much more important. My sister needs to know where I keep the chocolate…
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR
Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about what happens if the caregiver dies!
Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out part 1 of my Mother-In-Law story, here, or if you’ve read that, check out part 2, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!
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