I’m Not 24/7/365 On Site
I’m in Europe. No, seriously, writing this, I’m in Europe. I’m on the longest vacation of my life—nearly three weeks—and I’ve left Mom in the eldercare facility. Alone.
Not really….
I’ve been planning this trip since 2018. It was originally scheduled for 2020, but Covid messed that one up—probably a good thing because that was the beginning of our toughest time with Mom. Anyway…I rescheduled this trip several times, finally landing on Summer of 2023, and I was very excited and anxious to have it actually happen. Some of this trip was financed by the last years Mom gave Christmas presents, and the legacy of my mother-in-law, who died in 2018 (on Christmas…coincidence?).
I Always Recommend You Get Sway
It’s Important
Avid readers of the blog will already know that I am a huge—I mean huge—proponent of taking a vacation, even during eldercare. You need time to recharge yourself, and to concentrate on the other important relationships in your life.
It Can Be Cheap
One section of my website is completely devoted to travel, and I talk about everything from camping (no, not Patti…really people) to the huge European Adventure I’m on right now. There is a trip—and a corresponding price-point—that works for everyone. I can help you find a destination, a length of time, and some activities to help you reconnect with yourself and your loved ones. Stop by those blogs when you’re done here.
It doesn’t have to be for weeks
Remember when the kids were babies, and all you wanted was a nice evening out for dinner and a movie? This is another version of that! It doesn’t have to be anything more than an evening at a show, or it can be as large as an extended cruise trip to Europe. I suggest you start with the small ones first…but don’t discount the big ones! This has been fantastic!!
Before You Actually Leave
Prepare the care team
Before I left, I spoke extensively to Mom’s eldercare facility, to let them know what dates I would be gone on vacation, and who would be stepping in to my place. I do not tell them when I go away for a weekend or so, but for something longer than a week, I wanted to give them plenty of notice.
Prepare your elderly loved one
I talk about vacations a lot with my mother. Vacations we’ve taken, some that we wish we had taken, and what my travel plans are now. Even in her diminishing, foggy brain, she doesn’t flinch when I say “I’m going to be going away for a little while…” I started talking about this extended trip a few weeks in advance. She kept forgetting about it, but I figured familiarity was really my only hope.
Prepare yourself
I cried when I said goodbye to her before this trip. It is a long time, and she is woven into the fabric of my everyday life. She was chipper and enjoying the magazine and cupcake I had brought her, but I kissed her a few extra times, and gave her a long hug. It wasn’t easy to step away from The Job!
Leaving Your “Legacy”
Supplies
The week before I left for my vacation, I looked like a sherpa every time I visited Mom at the eldercare facility. She needed a month’s worth of underwear, toilet paper, soda, etc. I knew her visitors could fill these in if necessary, but I wanted to make it easier on everybody. In addition, the kids know where I keep the back-up supplies in the house, in case they needed to restock.
Love Notes
I suggest you leave a love note or two to be delivered while you are gone. Mom loves to get mail, so I just faked a few notes from places I knew we would be, so she could get some notes from me. It isn’t hard, and I know it matters to her.
Pictures
Freshen up her pictures before you leave, too, so that she will have some new things to look at in the room. I got a new bouquet of fake flowers which she really likes, and bought a few new frames for her bureau. Anything to keep her engaged and keep that brain working.
Stack Up Your People
I’ve got a phenomenal care team that supports me every day. This vacation was the proof that I had a well oiled machine in case I can’t be available at any given time. For a trip of this length, I suggest you organize your team into three groups. This will keep it manageable for people unaccustomed to caring for your loved one, and keep it interesting for your loved one at the same time. Here’s how I organized my team:
One Time Visitors
As I’ve talked about in the past, Mom had a spectacular personal care assistant when she still lived at my house. Trisha was Mom’s best friend for three years—they did everything together. From sharing the chores cleaning the house to rummaging at Goodwill and the Dollar Store to doctor’s appointments, Trisha was invaluable to me when Mom was in mild and moderate dementia. So, naturally, I called her! She has other clients now, but I knew she would not mind dropping in on Mom just once in the middle of my trip, both to break up the monotony for Mom and to give her a big thrill.
Recurring Visitors
LeeLee and Robber Baron were the primary eldercare providers while I am gone on vacation. They are both more than adequate caregivers, who love Granma and would do anything to help her be safe and comfortable. I suggested that they do the three-times-a-week visiting schedule that I sometimes keep, because it keeps Mom (and the facility) guessing about days and times, and it wouldn’t be too much of a burden for them. In the end, LeeLee did the mid-week visits, with Robber Baron joining them on weekends for the longer “I’m bringing donuts!” visits. They were probably there longer than I usually visit, and I’ll never be able to thank them enough.
Emergency Visitors
I didn’t mind too much putting these visits on my kids. I had moments of guilt that the burden was too much, but for the most part I felt okay about it. They are fantastic adults, and I knew they would be able to handle the emotional and mental pressure that comes with these visits. But…what if something REALLY went wrong? I could not burden my kids with making medical decisions for their grandmother. So…I called Big Brother Bob. It’s important that you have somebody who will be able to step in and make the difficult decisions if something were to happen. You need somebody who can be unemotional and logical, and who won’t mind the pressure of life and death decisions. I hope your team has such a person—I’m lucky I have Big Brother Bob.
It’s Always About The Paperwork
Every time I turn around, we are talking about the importance of paperwork. I’m sure you’ve noticed in other blogs (in eldercare, vacation travel, and even student leadership) that I refer to the important documents multiple times, reminding you of their value, their importance, and their burden. No matter what I do, I can’t escape the bloody paperwork (I’m in London, remember?).
Where are they?
Well, taking them to Europe wouldn’t have done me a damn bit of good, now would it? They are home, in the safe, where they have been for years and years. The important thing is that your caregivers know how to find them. While their name isn’t on them, it might be comforting to them if something drastic did happen. This includes the Power of Attorney, and especially the DNR document.
What’s the alternative?
When your loved ones drew up the paperwork, they definitely put a “second in command” in them, just in case the original person was unavailable for some reason. That was a bit of a conundrum for me—because that person isn’t any of my children or Big Brother Bob. I just had to hope they weren’t necessary. This was my only source of anxiety with this whole plan.
Not legal and last ditch
I wrote a letter. Literally—typed up a letter, dated and signed it in front of a witness. In it, I temporarily transferred my Power of Attorney to both of my kids, and Big Brother Bob. I put the dates I would be gone, and I made it limited to medical Power of Attorney, but I did it. Was it worth anything? No idea…but I think it made my kids feel a little better.
So…How Did It Go?
It went great! The kids did what they could, Mom had one or two unexpected visitors over the period of time, and the facility took extra care to check in on her and make sure her needs were being met.
None of this success was about Patti the Person. It was about Patti The Mayor. If you are leaving for any length of time, the care and consideration for your loved one with dementia must be a primary concern for you. It takes thought and planning to make sure that you can enjoy your vacation with a clear mind, knowing your loved one is in the best possible hands.
I can’t wait to see her and give her a kiss.
Then, I’ll start planning my next adventure…
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR
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