I Love A Good Funeral

I know I can’t be the only one! I really enjoy a good funeral.

Okay…maybe it sounds a little odd. Really, though, it can be not only a good time, but really cathartic to go to a good funeral.

I was recently at just such a funeral, and it was terrific! Let’s be crystal clear, though, about what makes a “good funeral”.

1. The person was really, really old
2. They were sick/uncomfortable/just plain done
3. Dying was, at least a little, their choice

I’m not talking about car accidents or young people or somebody struck down in the prime of their life by a rare and terrible disease.

I’m talking about Pop at 86, Nanny at 90, and, most recently, Uncle Doug at 95.

These, my friends, were good deaths. They deserved good funerals.

Go When They Are Alive

I give my entire heart and soul to caring for Mom, I think you know that. I don’t wish for her to leave Earth early, and I certainly dread the day when she might be physically uncomfortable or even sick.

So I work hard, every single day, to give her the highest quality of life possible.

I see her every other day. Sometimes more frequently.

The death I’m talking about isn’t quick in coming, nor is it usually a great big shock. I’m talking about people sliding down the bottom of the hill, who you know are reaching their individual expiration date.

You shouldn’t wait.

Showing up at the funeral events is extremely important, but nowhere near as important as showing up during those last innings when their time on Earth is winding down. Coming to Mom’s funeral is a complete waste of time if you haven’t respected her life by visiting and being with her while she is still here. 

You can’t substitute a huge showing of grief, or an expensive floral arrangement, in place of a few visits, donuts and some blended coffee drinks. 

Let’s talk about heading out of town for a funeral!

Planning A Grief Trip

• Costs may be higher – Unfortunately, you won’t have months in advance to watch for flight prices to come down, or put in for paid leave. This is something for which there will be minimal notice, so things will probably be priced at a premium. Remind yourself that they are worth it.
• Convenience to services is important – When you are traveling to a funeral, convenience will trump lowest cost in the long run. Make sure you are planning to be relatively close to the funereal events, so you can get there easily. At the same time, make sure your own convenience is taken care of—I still only book hotels with a free breakfast.
• Who’s going with you? – Whether or not every member of the family goes to a funeral is dependent on several factors. While RobberBaron was a big fan of Uncle Doug, he also started a new job that week—it just wasn’t possible. No guilt here, people! As long as you did your best while they were alive, it makes perfect sense that you might not make it for the closing ceremonies.

Do You Have To Fly?

• Use miles if possible – Here is where your travel habits may come to your assistance! I’ve got enough points with my beloved Southwest (www.southwest.com) that I don’t worry about needing to fly to a funeral. Be3ing able to use miles for one of my kids, for example, makes it much easier for them to be able to come for a funeral if necessary.
• Rent your own car – Even though we are already shelling out some big travel bucks, I strongly suggest that you get your own car. There is nothing worse than being stuck somewhere dependent on someone else to give you a ride. All my rental cars come from CostCo Travel (www.costcotravel.com) and that site makes it worth the yearly cost for CostCo. 
• Add on a day or two – Depending on scheduling, it might be more convenient—and even cheaper–for you to tack on a day before or after the activities. Flying on a Monday, for example, might be significantly cheaper, even considering another night at the hotel. 

Choosing A Hotel

• Please stay in a hotel – This isn’t the time to crash on somebody’s couch or use their guest bedroom. I strongly suggest you stay in a hotel for this one. Along the same lines as renting the car, being at your own hotel will give you some autonomy and decisions about how you spend your time.
• Make sure it has amenities – You aren’t going to be grieving 24 hours a day! Make sure that whatever hotel you choose has everything you will need to be comfortable during your stay. For me that is free breakfast, but maybe the daily paper or free parking are important to you. Since I’m out of my comfort zone, too, I only stay in a chain hotel so I know the quality I can expect.
• Let everyone know where you are – Once you have chosen where you will sleep at night, I suggest you let significant people know. It is comforting, and quite enjoyable, to be able to have breakfast with some of your relatives before you head out to the services. Take every opportunity to connect with others.

Don’t Be Afraid To Make It A “Combination” Trip

• We went to the beach! – Last month we attended the services for the beloved Uncle Doug, which were scheduled on a Monday and Tuesday. Great! We drove to California on Saturday morning, and were able to spend some relaxing time on the beach without compromising the real reason for the trip. 
• Grandkids went to Disneyland – At the inurnment luncheon, one of Uncle Doug’s grandkids stopped me to ask questions about Disneyland, because they had decided to go the next day. Not only did we have a happy and spirited conversation about theme parks, but they had something to look forward to after two very emotional days of mourning.
• Have a nice breakfast with friends – Or lunch…brunch…dinner…drinks. We were in California, so it makes sense that Sweet Husband would want to reach out to people in the area to see if we could get together. They weren’t in mourning, but they were certainly happy to say a toast with us to our Uncle on his passing. 

Enjoy The Funeral Events

• The Grief Buffet – I love a Grief Buffet, and I make a mean Funeral Potatoes casserole just for the occasion. I encourage you to eat heartily at the Grief Buffet. Many people, particularly my generation and above, set a great store in feeding people through their misery and grief—it’s how they show love. So fill that plate, my friend, and make sure you compliment everyone in that kitchen about what you are eating. 
• See people you rarely see – With a large extended family, it isn’t often Sweet Husband’s people can get together. Would it be better if it were a happier occasion? Obviously, but we take what we can get. Use this time to reconnect with people you rarely see, catch up on their lives, and share some pictures and videos from your phone.
• Hear new stories from way back – After the church service, at the Grief Buffet, I heard a story about my mother-in-law I had never heard—and I’ve been married almost 34 years! Then, I heard a story about HER in-laws that I had never heard, either! It was a treasure trove of information being in the room with this group of people.
• Share your grief and joy – At the inurnment, when his grandson pulled his own ukelele from his guitar case to play a hymn, Uncle Doug’s kids and grandkids both smiled and cried. It was an incredible moment of shared experience, since everyone at the service knew how deeply Uncle Doug loved that instrument. Don’t be afraid to share the joy along with the sorrow—that’s what the services are for.

What Do The Dead Want? 

I’ve taken heat from many sources over the years about my opinion about funerals. When Pop died we had a party so large it went late into the night with toasts and music and stories. It didn’t diminish my grief and horror at his passing, but it created a memory his 15 grandchildren still talk about seven years later.

So, ask yourself, my friend: What would the dead want from you?

Nobody I’ve ever loved in my life would want me to mourn endlessly and lose all joy in the moment. Nobody would ever want that. 

They would want you to live. To enjoy. To get together and share.

So give them what they want, Boo Boo. Pour one out, shed your tears, and then tell those stories all night long.  

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Thank you for reading all about travel tips for funerals!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out some other tips, like if you need travel insurance, here, or chasing Broadway, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

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