I get questions…
I’m very humbled by the people who email me from this blog. Not only do I get some very interesting comments and suggestions for future topics, but I get very heartfelt questions from readers about how I have handled some situations.
Here are some of the more recent email questions I have fielded, and my responses. Hopefully something on this list will help each of you individually!
How Did You Choose Your Mom’s Location?
Since moving Mom about a year ago, I’ve had multiple questions about how I made the decision to move her, and how I chose the facility she is in right now. Looking back in previous blogs, you can follow the decline my mom suffered over the last few years she was with us, and the growing safety concerns we had for her. While she had a full-time personal care assistant during the day, from mid-afternoon until the following morning, the responsibility fell entirely on me. I was also “on duty” from Friday afternoon until Monday morning, so my weekends were consumed with caring for her…and not leaving the house. I held out as long as I could, but it was definitely time.
I toured multiple facilities, with an eye towards my own convenience. I knew I would be visiting multiple times per week, and wanted the facility to accommodate my odd hours, and be convenient for me to get to from both work and home. I am a firm believer in the “vibe” of a place, so for my top two places, I visited several times at different times, so I could see how they interacted with the residents, and particularly how food service was handled.
The most important thing I can tell you about the facility is that nothing is perfect, nor is it permanent! The room opposite Mom has had no less than four people in it over the year, so clearly not everyone is satisfied with the facility, so you certainly aren’t “chained in” with a long-term contract if you find your choice isn’t working.
Where Did Pop Get His Financial Knowledge? We Have Questions…
I write a lot about Pop, and that he was the smartest guy I’ve ever known. Sweet Husband is the most intelligent, but Pop beats everyone I’ve ever known for common sense and street smarts. Growing up through the Great Depression, Pop knew hardship, and participated as his family rebuilt themselves, even after the early death of his own mother (Pop was 16 at the time).
Two things about Pop made him the savvy investor he was, and successful with money. One is that he was a voracious reader (despite being a horrible student!) and spent time every day learning the ins and outs of investing and money management. Second, Pop wasn’t afraid to ask questions, and he built himself a strong core group of people he trusted and felt comfortable sharing investing information with. Those two practices—which he employed daily—made him an incredible success story.
How Often Do You Visit?
These are good questions!
This is one of those imperfect answers, because “it depends” is as accurate as I can get. My long-range plan is to visit every other day, so seven times every 14 days. However, there is a lot of variation in that plan, too. First of all, I vary my visitation times throughout the morning, afternoon and evening, so that I can drop in and check on her throughout the day. This gives me a good idea of her habits, and helps me ensure that she is eating and her hygiene needs are being met on a regular basis. The next variation is mixing up the days.
Since I am trying to keep Mom on her toes, and be sure I know what is happening, I will sometimes go two days in a row and then skip a day. I always go on one of the two weekend days, when I spend a longer time there, but will mix up the mid-week days.
Finally, there is the visitor variation. Big Brother Bob was here recently, so I got a much-needed “week off”. When someone visits, I skip my normal visits, which provides respite for me, while allowing them to be the center of attention.
What Should I Be Asking The Nurses?
I’ve built a good relationship with the nursing staff, and they are used to me by now. My most important question for them every visit is when Mom was last in the shower. She is having some bladder/bowel issues, and I need to be sure she is being attended to properly. Sometimes the nurses aren’t even aware that she particularly needs to shower, because she tries her best to clean herself up and leave no trace of an “accident”. If she is refusing showers (pretty common), I’ll just do it myself to make sure everything is good physically.
Most people, I think, ask about their nutrition habits. Not me. It’s not that I don’t care, per se, but it’s that I don’t care WHAT she’s eating. At 93, if she moved to an all-chocolate diet, I just don’t care. Her blood tests and numbers are all fabulous, and I want her happy.
The important answer to this question is that you ask anything and everything that is on your mind. Don’t forget—they work for you.
How Co You Handle Disinterested family Members?
When I received this email, it was filled with so much sadness I felt it through the computer. It is inconceivable to us as Mayors that anyone in the family would separate themselves from our elderly loved ones now, when they need us the most. It seems really weird to me, and quite selfish, for someone to lose contact with a parent or other family member. But it really does happen. A lot.
As The Mayor, you will probably have a wide spectrum of involvement with your loved one, and it really is your job, The Job, to meet everyone’s needs as best you can, while keeping your loved one first in your mind. In my experience and opinion, modern technology has made it beyond simple for people to keep in touch, and there is absolutely no excuse for a relative to “ghost” your loved one. As things continue to decline and deteriorate, however, you will probably become the conduit for people to stay in touch, and that could become more difficult.
I’ve got enough on my plate without chasing grown-ass adults to do what I think is “right”, so I don’t. What I try to do, however, is make information accessible so it is easier for people to be informed and involved at their own level. I send group texts and pictures when Mom is having a good day, and send out a “call for calls” when Mom is feeling chatty.
So I try, as much as I’m willing to try. If people won’t meet you halfway, that’s on them.
Have You Brought Sweet Luna Belle To The Facility?
Yes!!! And I highly recommend that you visit your loved one with any and all family members you can find! Not only was Luna a hit with Mom, but she helped Mom engage with other people in the facility while she was walking her around.
This question actually goes back to the “how to pick a facility” question, because this came up while I was visiting and interviewing different facilities. While we don’t do it often, we wanted to make sure that Lee Lee could bring their cats to see Granma if they wanted, and that Luna would be welcome. If this is important to you and your loved one, make sure you add this question to your interview list.
How Do I Handle Refusal To Eat?
This one is a bit harder for me to answer, because I’ve told you before that I really don’t care what she eats. Every weekend, I give Mom a long, relaxing shower, so I can keep an eye on her weight changes, and she hasn’t gained or lost weight in the past year. Because of this, I know that—somehow—she is getting enough calories. I know she is getting enough nutrients because her blood and urine tests continue to be great, and she has no “numbers” that are concerning to me or her doctor.
If your loved one is in a different position medically, however, their refusal to eat might be quite worrisome to you. If that is the case, you need to take a more active role in their nutritional intake, and there are two ways I would do that if necessary: First, I would be sure to bring Mom suitable food at least several times a week. What I do now is get her fast food (her favorite!) once or twice a week, so I know she is eating enough calories. Then, I supplement with fruit every visit, and usually a sweet treat every weekend when I go food shopping. Second, I would reach out to the nutritionist on site at the facility and see what they could do to vary the offerings. For example, Mom hated breakfast when she moved in, but a quick call to the person in charge has gotten Mom oatmeal and fruit instead of what they normally offer.
I know the facility is doing their best, but there is no doubt Mom looks forward to all of us bringing in her favorite things on a regular basis. It isn’t hard to do,and it makes her so happy, so start packing her lunch and you’ll see the eating machine!
Next week…
Comeback next week for additional questions and answers! Better yet, join the conversation by emailing me your question at ppilatbuono@gmail.com or leave a comment right on here. Either way—I’d love to hear from you.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR
Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about the questions I get!
Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out Part 1, here, or if you’ve read that, check out more dementia problems, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!
Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!
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