The Place Isn’t Utopia, You Know…

It’s not home, Boo Boo.

I did the very best I could when I chose Mom’s facility, and you will do the exact same thing. You will research many, visit some, narrow it down to two, and ultimately make a decision.

It still won’t be home.

You need to be at peace with your decision—I certainly was. When you reach the stage where The Facility is on the horizon, you need to do everything you can to ensure the proper placement for your loved one.

Then, my friend, you need to remain vigilant.

Expectations…

Before you start to look, you need to have a very clear idea of your budget, your non-negotiables, and your wish list. Once that is resolved, looking at locations will become significantly easier.

With that being said, be sure to have expectations that are realistic, and that you have a chance of fulfilling. It isn’t going to be your home, like home or as good as home.

It will still be safe and manageable for your loved one. So, you will move them in.

The complaints will probably be fast and furious at first. Some will just be “growing pains” for your loved one, but some of them you will need to deal with. Let’s look at some of those…

I’ve Got Other Concerns, Pat!

I hear you, my friend, which is why I’m continuing this blog  with potential pitfalls—always with solutions for you—from last week.

If you look back on the March 1, Part 1 of this blog, you will find some of the initial pitfalls I found when researching facilities. Some of the most important items on my “wish list” when looking to place Mom included the food and the activities at The Facility. 

It was—and remains—quite difficult for me to get Mom to eat much at her place, because she was a fantastic homestyle cook her entire life, so the institutionalized meals have been challenging. The same is true of the activities they offer, since many of them hold no interest for her. 

For details on how I handle the complaints surrounding food and activities, please refer to last week’s blog. We also covered limited visiting options—which is a situation you should not accept—so refer to last week. 

What are a few other things I’ve had to contend with since placing Mom in Memory Care? Let’s look at a few things that have demanded my attention so far…

What About My Pet?!

Slow your roll, Mom, LunaDog is MINE and will not be moving to The Facility with you under any circumstances! But…what if your loved one is very attached to a fine feathered or four-legged creature? How can we deal with this one…

Are pets allowed?

This may fall directly on your non-negotiable list. If you are determined to have your loved one’s pet move in with them, it may require you to expand your search for a facility. Be sure to ask specific and pointed questions when you are researching and visiting to get a clear answer. Mom’s place, for example, does allow a cat, but no dogs. This isn’t something you can “find out later”, if it is important to your loved one, so do your due diligence on this. 

Can my pet visit?

LunaDog is a beloved and frequent visitor with Mom in The Facility! As long as she is up to date with her shots and stays on her leash, any type of pet is welcome at Mom’s place, which is great news. Everybody in the entire building gets a kick out of petting LunaDog and getting a lick or two. Then, when we go into Mom’s room, LunaDog can come off the leash and lay at Mom’s feet. We were crystal clear about this visitation policy when we moved Mom in, because she was quite close to LunaDog.

The Solution

Mom now has a “Cat”. It’s not exactly real, but it might as well be. She has a very lifelike, motorized stuffed cat that purrs and meows and moves in exactly the same way a living cat would. It doesn’t walk around, but Mom loves to put it on her lap and pet it while she is watching television. Okay, at first I was a little creeped out, but it seems to be giving Mom so much pleasure I can’t really say anything. The eyes, though…they follow me around! 

This Room Is Terrible!

When you move in, the paint and carpet will all be fresh, and everything will be in working order. Over time, however…things can certainly go wrong…

Quick Fixes For You

A lot of Mom’s complaints are of the very lower-end variety. A lightbulb burns out, or she spills something on the carpet. Those types of things should be quickly and easily taken care of by the staff at The Facility. Anything they can’t fix immediately should be handled within 24 hours—it usually just needs to wait until the engineer clocks in the next day.

Longer-Range Requests

Mom needs a new carpet. There is a stain they can’t get rid of, and it is coming up in one corner, which is a fall hazard for her. Things like this should absolutely be dealt with—you are paying quite a premium for The Facility—but may require more time and a formalized work order. I encourage you to be firm but considerate with these requests, since these types of fixes are outside the abilities of the day-to-day staff you interact with on a daily basis.

The Solution

It is important for you to be vigilant with everything in their space. Particularly anything that can be a safety hazard needs to be dealt with quickly and completely. Recently, the electric in Mom’s living room went out—it worked elsewhere in the apartment, which was weird. I had to be very firm with the engineer that it be corrected immediately, since it made her apartment quite dark, and she tends to wander in the night. My recommendation is to be firm and fair with The Facility, and make sure you check in on a daily basis until repairs are made to your satisfaction.

Personality Troubles

We’ve got two types of people at Memory Care: People with limited memory and inhibitions, and the employees. That’s it. Either of those two groups can make your loved one complain, and it’s important that you respond in ways that will support your loved one, and continue to make their living space safe and comfortable. This, my friends, can be a delicate balance, indeed.

With other residents

There is no limit to the number of examples I can give you of residents not getting along. From someone sitting in the wrong chair at dinner (“That’s MY seat!!!”) to people wandering unaware into someone else’s room, there are a myriad of ways things can go wrong. Fortunately (finally, something good about dementia!), most of the residents won’t even remember who they are mad at, and it is a one-off type of situation. Sometimes, however, Mom has to deal with people who are not able to control their emotions. When that is the case, I rely on the decades of experience the caregivers have in dealing with aggressive and defiant dementia patients. 

With The Staff

Did I tell you Mom hit a nurse? This was early on, before we got her anti-aggression medicine calibrated. They called me, and I was mortified, apologetic and flustered. I was worried it would cloud how she and other caregivers looked at my mom. I didn’t have to worry. One thing I haven’t had in all the time I’ve dealt with dementia caregivers is a bad attitude. They are a certain, special breed, these angels who work dementia care, and they don’t seem fazed by anything I’ve seen come their way.

The Solution

Unfortunately, Memory Care is usually a small, tight-knit group, which makes it very hard for Mom to avoid anybody. There are only so many tables to eat at, and only a handful of recliners to take that afternoon nap, so people need to be considerate. The best solution is for everyone to work together, and, whenever possible, stay out of the way of residents whose anti-aggression medicines aren’t working that day. 

The Ultimate Solution

I’ve been around the block a few times now, and I’ve learned that there is, quite simply, one easy solution to anything and everything that goes wrong at The Facility:

Relationships with employees and caregivers.

It really is that simple. I have worked hard to get to know all of the people who participate in Mom’s care, and I make sure that I always approach them from a position of love and respect, and they respond in kind. I’ve seen them interact with residents in every potential situation, and I am always incredibly impressed with both their professionalism and their compassion.

Make sure you thank them.

Make sure you respect them.

Make sure you reward them. Cookies or a platter of sub sandwiches are always appreciated.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about problems at the facility!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out tax season for the elderly, here, or if you’ve read that, check out part 2 of death vigils, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.

Oh! And don’t forget to check out my video series by CLICKING HERE!!!