Mom “Doesn’t Want To”

Mom’s hair is much too long. It doesn’t look bad or unkempt, actually, it’s just way longer than she likes to keep it. I don’t know why it’s too long…it just is. Every Wednesday and Thursday someone comes to her facility and cuts the hair of anyone who needs a cut. And every Wednesday and Thursday the nurse goes into Mom’s room and asks her if she is ready to get her hair cut. Every single time she has said no. They’ve tried both days, they’ve tried morning, lunchtime, and afternoon. It doesn’t matter…it’s always no. This is a new behavior—she was getting her haircut once a month without problem. Motivating dementia patients to do anything can be quite the task.

No logic. She just doesn’t want to. We have dealt with this more and more over the past few years. She has become more defiant and significantly less predictable as dementia has taken hold of her mind. Sometimes I can guess in advance what her response will be to something new, but more often than not I am surprised by the answer I receive. 

Sometimes, she is allowed to say no. But, sometimes, things are nonnegotiable from my perspective. That’s when I have to pull out my Felix’s bag of tricks and get stuff done.

Things She Refuses Regularly

This is an ever changing and shape shifting list that just keeps getting longer and longer as time passes. Whereas I used to be able to predict about 100% of the time what she might refuse—and how to change her mind—nowadays everything has the potential to be a firm “No” from her. Like I said: Motivating dementia patients is not always an easy task.

The first problems we had were with doctors, so they were completely understandable and logical. Who wants to go see the doctor all the time? It quickly turned into an entire day’s process, with reminding her when she woke up that she had an appointment, and then basically counting down until we had to leave the house. The funny thing was, she was completely compliant and manageable once we were at the doctor’s office—it was all of the build-up and waiting that she didn’t like.  Now that the doctor comes to her, our biggest hurdle has disappeared!

As time passed, she started to refuse to do things that she had previously enjoyed. This was when things were becoming much more troublesome with dementia. The first time she said no to The Dollar Store, I knew we had turned a sad corner… She’s at the point now that her first response is almost always negative.

For example, every Sunday her facility takes a bus ride to a local donut shop to get a treat—something Mom would definitely enjoy. Most Sundays, her first answer is always that she doesn’t want to go. Fortunately, the activity director has learned that if she swings by a second time after a few minutes, Mom will usually change her answer and go for the quick ride. 

How Do I Start Motivating My Dementia Patients?

Convincing your loved one to do something will probably take you a lot of trial and error—that’s what happened to me. I have had several years to devise a number of ways to convince Mom to do things that might not sound very desirable to her at the moment. Sometimes, I’m doing it to improve the quality of her life—The Dollar Tree is certainly not a necessity—but the real trick is to get her to do the various tasks and errands that help keep her healthy. 

Rationalize with her (really!)

Yeah, this still works…sporadically. I do always start with this, out of respect for my Mom, and in an effort to continue to maintain the dignity of her life and position. It’s important to me that she has as much pride and dignity as she possibly can, as things continue to fall apart around her. For that reason, I will always start with the logical reason I’m asking her to do something.  It works less and less now, but I approach every refusal with the same calm and reasonable tone and facial expression. Some of the sentence starters I use are “I know you don’t want to, Mom, but…” and “You really enjoyed _________ last time” or “Really? You usually love to __________”. By reminding her of past enjoyment or success, sometimes that synapse will fire and she will change her mind on the spot. 

This happens less and less frequently, but I think it’s important. It demonstrates my continued respect for her opinion and desires, and treats her with dignity and respect. The key, as with most things, is in the delivery. I remain calm and positive, not getting upset or gritting my teeth. My getting frustrated and short-tempered doesn’t help any situation at all when it comes to Mom.

Offer a treat

I’m a big fan of a reward system. Whereas trying to raise and train our children we tried to keep away from these types of incentives, they are my best friend now dealing with Mom. I’m sure it will be as you try motivating your dementia patients.

The most common one I use is a quick stop after the activity, and this has been helped tremendously by my Mom’s incredibly large sweet tooth! In a pinch for a doctor’s appointment, I can usually sweeten the deal with a stop at Dunkin’ or her favorite bakery. Another thing I’ve done lately is to bring the treat with me to her facility, but she can’t open the bag until we return from the doctor. She gets excited when she sees the surprise bag, so all of a sudden she will be rushing around to get going. It’s really cute. 

Offer a visit somewhere

Along the same lines, visiting The Dollar Store is a huge incentive for Mom. It used to be walking through Target or Walmart, but I’ve found that those locations have become too overwhelming for her. She no longer enjoys wandering around a big box store—she can’t stay engaged long enough to enjoy it. She really enjoys a visit to Hallmark, Big Lots or the beloved Dollar Store instead. Those places are small enough that she can see everything, and offer lots of stuff for her to touch and read. 

You are the expert with your loved one—you didn’t become Mayor overnight!—so maybe the library or a walk in the park will be more attractive to your parent. That’s why it takes some trial and error, and lots of practice, to find the trigger that will get your loved one to do the task you require.  

Enlist other people

Just like a parent/child relationship, sometimes I can’t say anything right. No matter what I offer or suggest, it’s a defiant “No!”

Another of my tricks is to employ other people to suggest the thing she won’t agree to with me. Literally, I’ve had my brother call in the morning and talk about how much better he feels after he gets his teeth cleaned, and don’t you have an appointment today? It totally works for most things. I’ve had the nurses come in and tell her to be sure to be “home” in time for lunch, because they are having her favorite soup today, and it absolutely works to get her up and going, just so she can be back on time. 

Remember how useful your team can be, and don’t be afraid to use these “secret weapons” to help you get through your days.  

When to give up

I’m just full of great suggestions, aren’t I? Well…Mom’s hair is still too darned long. Clearly, nothing works 100% of the time. Sometimes, you just have to give up and live to fight another day. Trimming her hair is not a big deal, and sooner or later she will say yes…probably if I show up with scissors and threaten to do it myself!!! 

So, whenever I can, I let the “No” win. It’s just fine if we cut her hair next week, and she doesn’t really need that dollar store soap today, does she? 

What If I Have To “Win”?

Sometimes, though, I have to win. Yes, she has to go to the follow-up with the doctor. She has to give blood. She has to have physical therapy. That’s when it truly becomes a parent/child relationship, and I earn my $000 salary as Mayor. There have been times when I’ve gone through everything in my arsenal and still met with negative responses. Just like with a kid, sometimes “Because I’m the Mom” has to be used as the ultimate answer to the question. 

There have been a few times I’ve needed to get stern with Mom, and force her to acquiesce to my demand. I’ve found that using a firm tone and facial expression works extremely well in those cases, which is why I use both quite sparingly. I need them to have an immediate impact on Mom, so she will respond. You need this firmness in your repertoire, but use it very sparingly, so it retains its power. Just like with your kids.

In the meantime…find the “hook” that works with your loved one. In my case, Mom is a sucker for a young, hot dude. That’s how I picked her current physical therapist!!!

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about motivating dementia patients!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to talk to grandma, here, or see what the severe stages of dementia might look like here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

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