Memory Loss
Memory Loss – Mom Didn’t Recognize Me Today
I was 51 years old when I watched my father take his last breath. So much older—so much luckier—than so many people. But it was still devastating. That feeling in the pit of my stomach, that taste of bile in my throat, that silent scream as I called his name. I remember them all like yesterday.
But nothing on earth could have prepared me for Mom not recognizing me last week.
I broke into small pieces that will never be put back together perfectly. Like a mirror. Like an hourglass.
It’s true that I steel myself every time I go to see her in The Facility. I grit my teeth as I push open her door, never quite knowing what will await me on the other side. She’s almost always napping now, so that isn’t a surprise. I call her, louder and louder, until her eyes open and she fixes her gaze on me. And she smiles. From her eyes to her mouth. Her whole face.
Not this time.
There was nothing this time. No recognition. No acknowledgement that it’s me, The Mayor, the person who has guided her every hour for years.
Nothing.
Memory Loss – Before you freak out…
Mom had a urine test recently for a urinary tract infection. She hasn’t complained about pain or burning, but the nurses at The Facility have seen some agitation and concerning behaviors from her, and a little-known fact is that some apparent “symptoms” of dementia can actually stem from an undiagnosed and untreated UTI. So they checked.
The same can be true for people forgetting their loved ones. Research shows that agitation, changes in routine, or even mild illness can manifest as forgetfulness in severe dementia patients.
So, the first thing you need to do whenever any new symptoms arise with your loved one is to rule out something else going on. Once I had Mom settled in with a snack, I immediately went to find a nurse to see if anything had happened the night before that might have increased her agitation or delirium.
I know it’s “common”, but…
I’m pretty smart. I knew this was coming. One of the symptoms of severe dementia is the inability to recognize your loved ones, so I certainly had plenty of warnings. I’ve watched her losing memories, losing words, losing interest in things. I’ve borne witness to all of it.
It makes sense that I would bear witness to this, the biggest FU I’ve ever had.
I don’t care that this happens to almost every sufferer of severe dementia. It happened to me.
My feelings On The Subject Of Memory Loss
Big Brother Bob and Coach Bill were both here this summer. When they visit, I know their greatest fear is that Mom won’t recognize them when they enter the room. It’s hard for them to visit and face this potentiality.
And they’ve both been right. When they visit, Mom knows immediately that they are family, but putting the right piece in the right hole isn’t always easy or quick. She has mistaken them for my sons, and vice versa, several times. But so far, every time, she lights up when they walk in the room.
And they start to cry. At least this time, their greatest hope comes true.
I’m happy for them. They deserve peace.
But…she forgot me. Me.
How Did I React To The Loss Of Memory?
To pat myself on the back, I did GREAT! I approached her in my normal way, bending down for a kiss, and keeping my voice and facial expression light and happy. It only took a few minutes for her eyes to clear, and for her to recognize that it was me.
“Hi, Sweets…” she said. And the pieces of my heart started to mend.
How Did The Visit Go Afterwards
As you can guess, it wasn’t a good visit. For her to forget me, I knew things weren’t going to go very well. Research shows that the ongoing loss of memory will continue to deteriorate as time passes and more parts of her brain shut down.
She is forgetting words now, having trouble putting together cogent thoughts. An ongoing conversation with her is getting harder and harder, and so we are left with one line dialogue. It’s frustrating and difficult, but at least it’s something.
What Can You Do To Spark Memory? Even After Memory Loss?
Research shows that, while these symptoms will continue to be more frequent and stronger as time goes on, there absolutely are things that we can do as caregivers to make sure that our loved one stays “present” and with us as long as possible.
Be a consistent presence
It makes sense that my brothers will worry, because they see Mom about every four to six months. As The Mayor, I am visiting for at least an hour at a time, minimally three times a week. Every time I come in, I use the same greeting, and follow a very standard first few minutes, in an attempt to spark her memory.
Keep talking
I keep up a very steady banter, particularly in the beginning of every visit, as she gets acclimated to having me in her apartment again. I go through the same steps of greeting her, checking her fridge, and putting away laundry, all while talking her through what I am doing. It gives her a chance to process my visit in her own mind, and to “catch up” to what I am doing in her own time, so she doesn’t feel rushed.
Give reminders
After I finish the “chores” I complete with every visit, I sit down and start the next part of my regime—going through the family. I will talk briefly about all of my siblings, by name. I can no longer go through her fifteen grandchildren—it’s too much for her and she tunes out—but I still go through all of her children, and just give a quick update that everyone is fine.
Bring up memories
The next topic of conversation is always the past. I will bring up something from the past to talk about. I’ll say something like “Do you remember Mack’s Pizza in Wildwood?” and then fill in her answer with things she used to enjoy. For the most part, she doesn’t remember, but I’m trying to make those connections with happier times, and she enjoys listening to my stories.
Bring props
Absolutely nothing is better for Mom than pictures. I’m eternally grateful to technology for allowing me access to decades worth of pictures from many different people. Another thing I do is bring written words—either letters from people or magazines she used to like—so that she has something after I’ve left to remind her of happier times and different people.
Bring your patience
No matter what, you need to bring your patience. When she didn’t recognize me, a part of me died while another part got so angry I wanted to yell at her to remember me. I could never do that to her—it would be like kicking a puppy. I tell every visitor to be careful with their expectations, and I’ve just gotten a master lesson in that myself.
How Worrisome Is This?
It’s pretty freaking worrisome to me.
But, so is every “first” I’ve faced in this long and difficult journey as Mayor of Crazytown. When I look back on the years I’ve endured in this position, I’ve watched her independence and spirit evaporate before my eyes in tiny little chunks. The last time she cooked a meal, the last time she drove a car, her last Bingo game, her first bladder accident.
All of these things are leading to a very difficult and ugly ending. And, Mayor, you are the eye of the storm.
So, two weeks ago, when she told me “The movie was chicken and heat came from the banana” I knew things were deteriorating again.
I just didn’t think she’d forget me. Not yet.
Moving Forward
I’m a very positive, forward-thinking person, as I think you’ve learned, dear reader. I keep moving forward. Even through the pain.
So, after that fateful visit last week, I didn’t change my schedule.
I did stop outside the door, take a deep breath and grit my teeth. Then I entered with a happy smile and energetic greeting.
I didn’t miss a visit. I didn’t change my routines. I didn’t let her down.
And the fates rewarded me…
“Hi, Sweets…” she said.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!
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Resources
https://www.verywellhealth.com/coping-when-loved-one-doesnt-recognize-you-97998