Communication Tips

It’s about time we figure out how to talk to Grandma, don’t you think?

You don’t need me to tell you how important communication is to the human experience. Whether we are communicating with words, through our facial expressions or our actions, there is nothing more powerful than connecting with another person. This is how we build deep and enduring relationships, and this is how we solve problems large and small. We are absolutely paralyzed without the ability to communicate.

Enter dementia…

With its debilitating symptoms and unpredictable nature, it is far too easy for us to lose the connections we have made over decades to this horrible disease. As this monster progresses, communication of any meaningful kind becomes more and more difficult, and less and less predictable. 

We must “rage against the dying of the light…” (R. Frost) that is communication skills for dementia patients. We owe it to them, to ourselves, and to our children.

So TALK to grandma (or whoever your loved one is)!!! They need you!

Why It’s Easier For Us To Talk To Granma

I don’t have a problem communicating with Mom. It’s easy for me to keep the conversation flowing and the topics come quickly to my mind. It’s part of The Job. It’s a huge part of The Job for me to be in tune with her many, changing personalities, and to know how to pivot and change on a dime to suit her moods. The connection between the patient and the primary caregiver is unique, and, in my experience, the deepest and most intimate relationship you can build outside of marriage. 

But, I’m the only one doing The Job with Mom. There are many other people who love her, though, who aren’t with her every day or even on a consistent, weekly basis. The other four of her kids, and 13 of her grandchildren, live in other states.  They may not be the primary caretakers, but they love her and desire a deep and meaningful relationship with her.

It’s just really, really hard for them to connect from further away. How can we help them?

Helping Your Relatives Talk To Their Grandma

I walk a very fine line with my relatives and their access to Mom. Not because I’m trying to keep her away from them, but I’m trying to preserve the best of Mom for them. While I will talk endlessly about the struggles we are facing, and her periods of delusions, I try not to burden their time with her as much as possible. So, I won’t call them when she is having a bad day. I try to avoid scheduling a call or FaceTime, because I can’t control how she will be.

Recently, Big Brother Bob had exciting news to share, and scheduled a call to tell her. When the time came, unfortunately, she was quite unfocused, and couldn’t keep up with the conversation. She couldn’t process the good news, and it became a frustrating conversation for both sides. Later, when she was more clear, I reminded her of Bob’s call, and she was very excited for the news. It’s just too bad Bob couldn’t share that part of the story.

Why It’s Harder For Grandkids And What They Should Do

It’s even more difficult for her grandchildren to manage communication with Granma because of her dementia. Their memories of Pop and Granma are so clear and positive, it’s harder for them to fathom what this devil disease has done to Granma, and they struggle with keeping communication going when they speak to her. 

To help them—and anyone, really—communicate with a dementia sufferer, I offer just a few suggestions to prepare for a meaningful and fun visit:

Have reasonable goals:

This isn’t the Granma that read you story books when you were young, made your favorite dinner, and came to your plays and sporting events. It’s important that you have an understanding of her current condition, so you can relate to her on her terms. While she might start to wax poetic about your youth, it is far more likely she will confuse you with your cousin. It is important that you expect absolutely nothing from her during your visit, and you will probably be much more satisfied by what happens when you talk to your grandma. 

A very reasonable goal would be to update her on something happening in your life. Not everything—but something meaningful to you. She may not clearly understand what you are telling her, and might not respond with appropriate questions, but getting one piece of information through to her is a reasonable goal. 

The best goal of all is to just visit and make a connection. After any type of visit, it’s all she talks about for days. Once I helped her understand Bob’s good news, it was all she could talk about for a week afterward. Your impact will be there, long after you have hung up the phone.

Create questions in advance:

I strongly recommend you have an agenda for your visit with Mom. Nothing terribly formal or unchangeable, but something that will help you move through a visit with her effortlessly.

On my way to see her, I think of a few things we can talk about. It can be something as simple as how to remove a certain stain, or the recipe for something for dinner. It doesn’t have to be deep or extremely important, it just needs to be SOMETHING to hopefully make her think and participate in the conversation. The toughest thing for my relatives is the silence they face when she doesn’t have anything to offer in the conversation (which is becoming more and more often). 

My kids use treats and snacks as their conversation point. They will bring her the Starbucks she loves (mocha cookie crumble with extra whip) and talk about how chocolatey it is, or which Starbucks they went to. It sounds very simple, but it is a conversation Mom can participate in while she enjoys a special treat. I’ve heard them go on for half an hour about who makes better brownies! Was it a life-changing visit—heck no! But there was a lot of reminiscing and giggling about this silly topic!

Minimize distractions:

Dementia has made Mom quite unfocused, and it is significantly worse when there is any type of distraction. The first thing to do when you enter is to turn off the television or radio, so you can hopefully have her full attention. For this reason, I always encourage people to visit individually or in pairs at the most. When there are too many people in the room, not only is it hard for her to know who to concentrate on, but there tends to be side conversations which will be very confusing for her. 

I messed up last week when Mom was on FaceTime with one of my siblings. I thought I could quickly and quietly put away her laundry, but it was so distracting to her she literally just put the phone down to come help me mid-sentence! So even I, the professional Mayor of Crazytown, can forget how easily distracted dementia patients can be! Don’t make my mistakes!!!

Be crystal clear when you talk to grandma:

There is no inference or innuendo in dementia. Mom is now extremely literal, and can’t comprehend any implications or make any type of deductions.

Keep it simple, so she can stay in the conversation. She also doesn’t get sarcasm or irony anymore, so keep your jokes plain and straightforward. You don’t want to ruin a good visit by confusing her with some topics that are too deep for her to follow. If she becomes confused, that is when she will start to disengage, so make sure you are keeping her attention by being clear.

Touch will be helpful:

There is nothing more soothing than a loving touch of the hand, or a gentle kiss on the forehead.

What I’ve found lately is that she won’t kiss me, or even bend her head to make it easier for me to kiss her, but I still do it. I’ll kiss her hair when I have to, but I always kiss her hello and goodbye. To support her attention and concentration on me, I will gently rub her knee, or take her hand. These small acts of physical attention have absolutely magical properties, and can bring her back to me when she starts to drift. 

I’ve noticed it is harder for my relatives when their attempts at physical affection aren’t returned the way they were when we were younger, but they are even more important now. Remember that you are not just trying to impact her on the surface level, but attempting to reach her at her core—and physical touch is one of the best ways for you to do that.  

Using props:

Bring something with you!!! This is a fabulous way for you to make a connection with Mom on several levels. While you are talking about the trip you just took, she can be looking at the pictures you brought, which will help her stay engaged. As you are describing how the child did in school that week, she can be looking at the art project you brought for her to see. By giving her multiple ways of connecting, you open up the greatest possibility that you will reach her.

Don’t forget food. I mentioned above how my own kids use food and snacks to connect with Granma, and it’s gotten to the point that she associates their visits with a treat! That’s not bad, it’s AWESOME, because she is not only looking forward to seeing them, but is making a lasting connection. It turns out the way to a GRANMA’S heart is definitely through her stomach!!!

When All Else Fails

Just be there.

Don’t skip it because it isn’t easy, or isn’t as rewarding as it used to be. Be there because she has always been there for you. Do the right thing.

“80% of success is just showing up” (Woody Allen), so let’s just encourage as many people as possible to visit. Whether it is a phone call, a FaceTime or a face to face, the most important thing we can do is just show up. Hold hands. Smile. And sometimes just sit quietly…and watch Grit TV.  

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about how to talk to grandma!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to handle moderate dementia, here, or see what the severe stages of dementia might look like here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! When is the next time you’ll talk to grandma? Any dementia stories? Let me know!

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