Help Caregiver Burnout – Part One
Last week we started our discussion of six of the biggest pitfalls that caregivers have that undermines their ability to do The Job in the long term. Let’s do a quick recap of those first two, and then hit on the other four pitfalls that I have identified and how to help with the burnout.
Pitfall #1: I don’t have a team
This is something we have discussed in detail over the past two years, and I strongly encourage you to revisit this topic, to be sure you have everyone you need in your corner. Not only do your people serve different purposes, but your needs may change. My needs changed dramatically when I could no longer leave Mom home alone at all, so I had to revisit the list of my team and add a member.
Pitfall #2: I don’t organize my time effectively
One of the most important reasons you need to organize your time is because of the many different calendars you are required to keep. I have different calendars for work, family, friends and Mom. It’s very easy for things to get missed or dropped or completely forgotten. In The Job, we can’t afford to miss an important appointment, so organize yourself accordingly.
Pitfall #3: I Don’t Have All Of The Information
This is going to happen to you often at the beginning of your journey as Mayor. Lack of information does not help with burnout. When things first started to go wrong, and I attended doctor’s visits with my parents, I was unable to answer some of the easiest questions. It was very frustrating, and quite eye-opening, everything I didn’t know or had missed. It was those experiences that led me to keep detailed logs of my parents ongoing health issues.
I strongly encourage you to use your “down time”, when you are in a medical lull, to create documents that will show everything about your loved one’s medical history. I spent hours on the living room couch with Pop filling in all of the details of the medical history I didn’t need to know before taking The Job.
Do this now. Use my experience as an example: Mom is at the point where she can’t tell one of my brothers from another. She certainly can’t contribute important details to any conversation, especially something medical. If I hadn’t written everything down when she and Pop were both healthy and had use of their faculties, I wouldn’t be able to answer the doctor’s questions now.
Nothing will cause burnout faster, and make The Job more difficult, than not having pertinent medical and financial information when the time comes and you need help.
Pitfall #4: I Didn’t Even Want This Job
It saddens me when I hear from someone who was pressed into service as The Mayor without their own consent. There is no doubt that in every family, someone needs to step up when the time comes and do The Job, but it is painful to have it thrust upon you for one reason or another. Often, this happens to an only child, who always knew it would fall to them, but failed to create a structure or any plans to make it a successful transition for all parties.
If you find yourself pushed into The Mayor role, and you don’t want it, my first comment is this: Show me the money. Because, if your loved one has adequate resources, you can be The Governor, who only supervises The Mayor from afar. I see the results of this often at The Facility with Mom. There are definitely a number of residents whose Governor is overseeing things from a hands-off perspective, swooping in every few months to make sure everything is going well. While this would not be my choice, it might be yours.
Burnout is even more prevalent in caregivers who didn’t choose this life. For someone like me, who has known for decades that this was part of my life, I’ve had years to consider the repercussions of this life, and how to structure my affairs to best support The Job. If it comes to you without your permission, or very abruptly, it is even more important that you take a breath and spend some time really considering how you can maintain your own physical, mental and emotional health through this stressful journey.
Pitfall #5: What Is My Long-Term Goal?
Setting goals that are unattainable or completely out of reach is extremely stressful, and will lead to early burnout for caregivers. It’s important that, as you make your plans, you anticipate changes down the line, and have alternatives to consider so you aren’t being forced to make big, important decisions without any forethought.
I am proud that I achieved all of my goals up to this point, and feel confident that this final stretch of The Job will go as expected.
But I had goals that were forged with my parents’ participation decades ago, when things were stable and everyone was healthy. That isn’t the reality for many caregivers. An accident or unexpected medical catastrophe can propel you into the role of The Mayor with absolutely no warning, often years earlier than you had ever expected. If that is the case, you will definitely be playing catch-up, but need to take the time to evaluate what your short-term and long-term goals are for your position as their caretaker.
Not having a clear set of goals and plans can easily lead to quick and devastating caregiver burnout, as you try to put out one fire after another with no time to regroup and think. As early as you can in this journey, take the time to identify some short- and long-term goals that are attainable and reasonable for you.
Pitfall #6: I’m Not Taking Care Of My Own Life
I’ve often said that being The Mayor is a full-time job. I am always on call, twenty-four hours of every day, no matter where I am or what I am doing. It is exhausting, soul-sucking and emotionally draining to put it mildly, and it isn’t for the faint-hearted.
It’s easy to lose your own life.
Burn-out for many caregivers takes the form of erasing their independent life, rendering them nothing but a caregiver, bowing to the will of a person who will forever be a petulant toddler. Don’t let that happen to you. It’s easy to cancel lunch with a friend this week, and you convince yourself you don’t really need a date night with your spouse this month, do you? Dropping these little, seemingly inconsequential personal pleasures is so easy at first that you don’t even notice what is happening. It is only after you have alienated friends and ignored your spouse and kids will you realize that you have become nothing but a caregiver.
It’s very hard to get your life back. But it’s worth it.
When we hit a “crisis mode” event—Pop’s cancer, Mom falling—it is imperative that everything else take a backseat while we navigate through the emergency. But the emergency will eventually subside, and you need to make sure that you haven’t burned any bridges or ruined any relationships in the process.
Finding yourself in need of a soft shoulder or a sounding board is a devastating way to realize that you haven’t nurtured that relationship enough to keep it active.
This also goes for your own medical journey. Be sure that you are taking care of routine appointments to be sure that your overall health is solid. You can’t help anyone if you are down for the count, so make sure you are taking care of yourself in the process.
How To Get Help For Burnout
In my experience, recognizing the early signs of burn-out is the single most important way to keep severe burn-out from occurring. When I find myself getting impatient with Mom, or canceling yet another bingo date with my friends, I know that I need a mental and emotional “tune-up”. Fortunately, I have Sweet Husband to keep me honest, too. You need to find someone in your life who will be able to sit you down and let you know when they see you running yourself ragged, or changes in your personality that are concerning.
If you lack that key person, or simply need greater assistance than you can provide for yourself, you need a professional. Consider a therapist as a natural part of your routine maintenance of your own physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Finding the right therapist will help you change your perspective, and calibrate your emotions so that you can continue to work effectively with your loved one while maintaining a healthy lifestyle for yourself.
Be proactive
Most importantly, don’t let it go too long. As soon as you start to see examples of burn-out, or when someone you love and trust asks once too often “are you okay?” take that as a sign that you need to address your own mental and emotional health.
Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your loved ones.
Take care of yourself because you are worth it.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR
Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about how to help caregiver burnout!
Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out how to help caregiver burnout part one, here, or if you’ve read that, check out managing medicine strategies, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!
Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!
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Resources
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2019/alzheimers-dementia-care.html
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9225-caregiver-burnout