“Dear Patti, Why Don’t You Talk About ________________”

I love getting emails from readers.

This blog was originally conceived because I felt extremely alone and isolated when I first started doing The Job with my father. The internet had tons of ads for me to purchase services and products, but it was hard for me to find any first-hand accounts of the day-to-day struggles and successes that people were facing around the world. A cursory search for statistics showed me that there were literally millions of people like me trying to navigate the “Sandwich Generation”—raising kids and supporting parents, so I knew we were here somewhere. The more I spoke to people about my situation, the more people I met who were doing the exact same thing I was, and I immediately felt better and supported.

That’s why and how I started this website: So that you won’t feel alone. And maybe you could get a smile or a laugh out of my mis-adventures. 

Well, I only write what I know. I don’t claim to be a doctor or anything in the medical field. I don’t have any experience as a travel agent, nor have I taught anything other than Business Ed. So, I just write what I know.

So a lot of eldercare topics—and I mean a lot—don’t appear on my website. I apologize to those of you who are struggling with different problems and symptoms and diseases than what I have cataloged on this page. I’m not avoiding anything—far from it; I’ve laid my struggles bare for all to see—I’m just reporting. I love getting these emails, though, so please keep sending them readers! I’ll cover everything I can.

Here is a short list of different things people have mentioned to me. I did a little digging about them (https://www.agingcare.com/topics) and offer you my insights and suggestions as best I can:

Adult Day Care

I get excited when I see emails from readers about this, because I can comment on this!!! It’s wonderful…but inconvenient. When Mom first gave me concerns about being in the house alone all day, I sought out this solution. The biggest problem I found was that the hours didn’t fit with my school schedule. I needed to drop her off by 6:15 at the latest, and most didn’t open before 7. When I finally found one, it was a government run program that was structured for low-income senior citizens, and adults who were unable to care for themselves.

The building—interior and exterior—were quite unremarkable, and the area wasn’t the greatest. I almost didn’t even go in to tour.  When I went in, however, there were tables of people sitting and playing cards, a performer was singing and people were clapping and dancing, and there was a big cake at the front of the room. When I asked if this was a special occasion, the employee told me “Yeah…we call it Thursday”. I was sold. 

Since Mom isn’t lower-income, she was welcome to come, but was charged the highest price. Everyone there paid based on their income, so I completely understood, and was still thrilled with the under $80 a day price for 6 am to 6 pm, three meals and snacks, and activities. She was safe, and she became quite happy there. Those were her people. 

So, my answer is that finding quality Adult Day Care is absolutely worth the effort, because it will keep your elderly loved one engaged mentally and physically in a safe and secure environment. It was my first step, and if it’s your first step, too, it will work out great.

Diabetes

Pop had diabetes, but his was controlled with diet. I’ve found it can be extremely difficult to change habits—particularly food habits—with a senior citizen. Because of this, the sooner you get the diagnosis of diabetes, the better chance you will have to control it without the daily use of insulin. 

On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve known several caregivers whose loved one has lost body parts to the ravages of diabetes. This should be avoided at all costs, not just because it is a terrible thing to have happen, but because anything that slows their mobility is definitely going to minimize their life. 

COPD

Unfortunately, Sweet Husband has a brother who is battling Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease right now, and it’s a bitch.  The relentless symptoms of COPD include chronic coughing, frequent respiratory infections and a shortness of breath. The pressure in the chest and fatigue associated with COPD make it exceptionally hard to live with productively.

My brother-in-law is fighting as hard as he can, and the very best thing I can report is that a few weeks ago we attended a big birthday party we weren’t sure if he’d see! His quality of life is, obviously, compromised, but with his positive attitude and love of life, I can report that COPD doesn’t have to win! The most common advice I give to my emails from readers is simply staying positive!

Arthritis/Joint Pain

Sweet Husband suffers from arthritis. One of my sisters-in-law suffers with the worse Rheumatoid Arthritis. Heck, even sweet Luna Dog has arthritis! It’s about the most common thing on this list, and impacts millions of people (and dogs!!!) every year. While my brother’s wife can be treated with immunosuppressants, the painful swelling associated with RA is quite debilitating, and can have horrible effects long-term. Make sure your loved one follows the doctor’s instructions and medication regime religiously.

Arthritis hits different joints for different people, and for the most part a regular dose of Alleve has been successful for Sweet Husband. Both Pop and Sweet Husband have had some cortisone shots directly to the impacted area, which has definitely been very helpful for about six months. If you are suffering with arthritis in any joints, I’d mention that treatment option to your primary care physician. 

Sex

Not a topic of interest for many of the emails from readers, but you would be surprised. Big topic for seniors…

So…who did you think I was talking about? Research shows that the stresses and unrelenting responsibilities of The Job minimize the sex drive in caregivers, so there’s that. Different research shows that while many of the elderly lose their interest, sexual activity in senior facilities is on the rise. So there’s that. 

Here’s my two cents:

1.  I am dead in the water without Sweet Husband. It is in my best interests (and I’m thrilled) to nurture that relationship and keep my marriage as strong as possible through this difficult chapter of our book.
2. For my parent, this isn’t an issue, so my only concern is to make sure her wishes are being honored in her senior care facility.

Loss Of Senses

Mom has had glasses for decades, and even with the dementia, putting them on is not something I need to remind her about. I’m lucky that it is so ingrained with her that she instinctively reaches for them immediately upon waking in the morning.

I’m very glad her sense of taste is still quite keen, because she just loves getting treats every week when we go food shopping. Then again, with the food in The Facility…a little decline in this area might serve her well… 

The hearing aids, however, didn’t even go to The Facility when she moved in. Her hearing was in decline for years, but with Pop being sick, she hid the fact from us as we all worked to maintain his quality of life. Upon his death, I turned my spotlight onto her health, and convinced her to use hearing aids. She is now not using them at all, and it is making it very hard for her in The Facility. Not only doesn’t she hear the nurses asking her to do something, but she can’t hear people who are trying to be friendly. While I have tried many times to convince her to go back to the hearing aids, the dementia is just too strong now and I can’t win that battle.

So I yell…

Neuropathy

This is a by-product of the Diabetes we discussed above. Most commonly occurring in people with Diabetes, nerve damage was quite painful for Pop, and he used medication to help with the pain. Using compression socks is another good way to minimize the pain if the neuropathy is located in the lower legs—the most common place. Answering emails from readers on this topic can be difficult.

Sleep Issues

This has become a toughie for the night crew at The Facility. While Mom was living here, we didn’t have too much trouble with her staying in bed, for which I am extremely thankful. Once she moved into The Facility, however, her days and nights tended to run together, and they had some problems.

1. Getting up in the night. She would get up and, in the silence and darkness, decide to investigate outside her room. Thankfully, a nurse was in the hallway every time she would venture out. Many times they would get her a snack or a drink, and she would easily be put back to bed.
2. The never-ending nap. This is getting worse and worse as the weeks pass. Mom is sleeping—sometimes quite deeply—in her chair at all hours of the day. Unfortunately, she doesn’t wake up in the best mood, so this is causing some problems with the nurses calling her to meals and giving her medication. I try to minimize her napping when I’m there, but, let’s face it, she’s there most of the hours without me nudging her.
3. Sleeping too much. The other day she slept until 1:30 pm, and kept pushing the nurses away when they tried to get her up. Is this a problem? Not really. It’s just unsettling for me that her favorite activity lately is to tune out the world. 

Fear Of Death/Letting Go

We are at the end. The end of the emails from readers and the end for a loved one. So, literally and figuratively. 

Mom doesn’t talk about death, but the dementia has robbed us of many conversations. Pop and I discussed death many, many times. Actually, he told me two days before dying that it was close, and we went over the financial arrangements he had made for Mom again. He was so sharp right until the bitter end—enviable. Unlike many people, I have no problem talking about death and dying, and the details that they bring with them. I suggest you adopt this mindset, so that your loved one can share their desires and the end can be a gentle and peaceful time for you.

If your loved one is defiant, however, you will face an experience I didn’t have to deal with, and I predict it will be quite painful for you. My only suggestion to you is to try to have conversations with all of the principal players in your family scene, so that there are no surprises when things go bad. My blunt, unapologetic stance of talking about these things is not always well-received, that’s for sure. 

But we always return to the salient point: I’m the one doing The Job.

I’m the one who has to handle things as they decline.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, my friends.

Help them let go with as much dignity—and as little drama—as you possibly can.  

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about the emails from readers!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out when to check your bowels, here, or see the power of media, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.