People Stress Over Visits!!!

I was at The Facility today. I’ll be there in two days. Then two days after that, rinse and repeat. After almost two years, I don’t think about it or stress over it or get overly excited one way or another.

It is a routine for me. 

But, that’s just me…Most people do not visit The Facility with the regularity I do, nor are they as comfortable spending time there as I am. For “regular people”, planning and executing a visit to any nursing or memory care facility can be highly stressful. As The Mayor, I want people to be as comfortable as possible, and enjoy their visits.

That convinces them to visit more often, in my experience.

I don’t blame people at all for being apprehensive about visiting The Facility—you don’t know which Mom will greet you, or what type of mess you might walk into. 

So, what can we do to support other people who are interested in visiting our loved ones? Let’s look at some of the major stressors, and how we can work through them in advance of a visit.

Anxious Adults

Whether it’s one of my siblings or a visitor from the church, it is important that adults face their fears and apprehensions about visiting Mom as far in advance of the visit as possible. Let’s look at some suggestions when you are dealing with adults within or outside of the family.

• Give them lots of information – I assume most people are kind of like me, and really want to know what the heck they are walking into. Particularly a new visitor, or one who hasn’t been in quite a while, needs detailed information about your loved one’s condition, and what they can expect to see. You don’t have a crystal ball, but you’re the one that’s there consistently, so you have the best, most current information. Share it.
• Talk about a “normal” visit – “Normal” is certainly relative nowadays, but I can give them some common scenarios they might run into. For example, I don’t know what they will see exactly, but I can certainly tell them what I have been seeing recently. Even if you aren’t exactly right, at least it gives them a frame of reference to start with.
• Walk them through the routines of The Facility – In order for newbies to feel comfortable, they definitely don’t want to feel “in the way” of the nursing staff. For that reason, I give them some helpful suggestions and information about different routines from mealtimes to when activities are usually scheduled. On Sundays, for example, the memory care people leave The Facility to go get a donut at a local shop—I’d hate for someone to try to visit only to find Mom out for the day.
• Give them options for visiting – If someone is visiting Mom, for example, I want them to avoid anytime before 10 am, and mealtimes. It isn’t “bad” if that is the only time they can visit, I just know that those particular times might make a good visit more difficult. Mom, for example, sleeps in (for the first time in her life!), so an early visit would be a complete washout. Anyone who knew Mom would never guess that to be true, so I make sure to give them other alternative times.
• Go with them – This is probably the very best piece of advice I can give you. Go with them for their first and second visit…then make yourself scarce! I go in with them, give them a quick tour, then head into Mom’s room. Once she recognizes who they are, I make a swift and quiet exit so they can have some time. I’ve learned that if I stay in the room, she focuses on me instead of the new visitor. 

Anxious Grandchildren

Whether they are an actual grandchild or some level of fictive kin, it can be much harder on a young person to go into The Facility, especially for the first time. These could be the most valuable visitors in the long run, so we need to make sure we allay their fears and help them become comfortable in the space.

• Answer their questions – As grandchildren of varying ages visited both Granma and Pop as they aged, there was always a little apprehension on the day they would fly in from the East Coast. My kids had the benefit of living with them, but the majority of these young people saw them annually–or even less. It makes perfect sense that visiting Granma as she slowly loses her marbles is even more scary and confusing. Give them the forum to ask all of their questions—even the indelicate ones.
• Tell them what to expect – Depending on how Granma has been in the recent weeks, I give the kids a very clear picture of what to expect. Literally, I tell them how the Facility can smell at times—Granma included. I try to paint as clear a picture as I can, so they can prepare themselves mentally and emotionally from what could be a difficult visit. They aren’t babies—tell them everything.
• Have them bring a “prop” – This advice really works at any age, but is particularly useful with young teens or young adults, so help them feel more comfortable. From a stack of pictures to a coloring set to fruit chews, it is an incredibly good idea for the visitor to bring something in their hands. It helps them to have something to focus on, and can be the first topic of conversation to get over any uncomfortable greeting.
• Give them a pep talk – Visitors to Granma, outside of my family, are pretty darned rare nowadays, so if somebody shows up, I go overboard with gratitude and praise. I’m not being insincere—it warms my heart in ways I can’t describe for Mom to see other people she has cared for and loved. I tell them multiple times how important this visit is, not just for Granma, but the respect for Pop’s memory it also demonstrates.
• Start the visit with them – Pave the way, Boo Boo. Go into the room to make sure everything is in decent order and Granma is fully dressed. Put away anything that might embarrass the youth, and try to get your loved one excited that they have a new visitor today. I always do a complete introduction to help Mom place who is in the room—never play the “Look who it is!” game—it can embarrass both the visitor and the visited.

Then, There’s The Great-Grandchildren

We have reached the pinnacle of visitors, my friend. The Ace-in-the-hole, the whole Magilla, the Best in Show even. Babies. I’ve seen Mom go from a slack, almost comatose position to her “old self” when my Goddaughter brought her baby boy to visit. The easiest of all visits—and the easiest of all audiences—bringing young children to The Facility is not only simple, but it takes care of itself. 

• Talk to them about The Facility – Great-Granma’s recent visit with the spectacular PonyBoy was an important one: He was meeting his Great-Granma for the very first time. Despite being less than four years old, we spoke to him about the process, how it might look like a hospital and Great-Granma might not be in the mood to play. We tried to make sure he would be comfortable and even enjoy the visit, taking into consideration his very young age. Let’s face it—it is kind of a crapshoot at that age. 
• Have them bring a present – PonyBoy has visited several times, and he never fails to bring something for Great-Granma to see. Whether he is bringing her a lollipop or a picture he drew himself, it is a great idea to have them bring something to give to your loved one. It is a great way to start off the visit and encourage interaction immediately. It doesn’t have to be big—it just has to be from the child.
• Bring a snack to share – The way into Great-Granma’s heart is definitely through chocolate and snacks, so PonyBoy makes sure to bring something he likes to share with Great-Granma. This backfired a bit when Great-Granma kept offering him sips of her blended coffee, but it worked perfectly with the cookies he also brought with him. Again, we are creating connections and conversation starters. 
• They wait outside… – The relationship between the elderly and the very young can be quite tenuous indeed, and we want to do everything we can to keep things positive and upbeat. That means the children never enter the room first. Not only do I want to “announce them” so Great-Granma can immediately make that connection, but I need to make sure she is up for visitors. 
• Keep. It. Short. – Despite his extremely good mood, and showing off his dancing skills (without any music—don’t you love kids?), I very strongly encourage you to keep visits with toddlers and younger children short. They can always come back another time, but they might not want to if they stay too long and get cranky. By cranky, you know, I’m referring to either the kid or the elder! 

Be Prepared To Abort

Hopefully I’ve given you a few tricks to pull out of your sleeve to improve the probability of a good visit for people of all ages. I am always grateful and happy when people want to visit Mom, and I really want them to have a positive and successful experience. I do everything I can to make it work out well.

Sometimes, it just collapses.

Whether Mom is having a bad day, has fallen far off the damn dementia cliff, or the visitor just hits it at the wrong time, sometimes it is a train wreck. It happens.

Don’t be afraid to abort mission with a moment’s notice. Either don’t let the visitors past the front door, or rush them out when things turn negative.

Aborting the visit is a whole lot better than a terrible visit that leads them to not return.

After all, you’ll be there on schedule. Today, the day after tomorrow, two days later, rinse and repeat. 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about eldercare Easter!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out tax season for the elderly, here, or if you’ve read that, check out part 2 of death vigils, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

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