Is it dementia…or just 86? 

When you’re at the beginning of the dementia journey, frankly you don’t even realize it. One minute you don’t even notice that your loved one doesn’t remember her grandson’s name, and the next minute it hits you that they don’t recognize you! It’s super easy—and much more comforting for sure—to think that a momentary lapse is just that, and not a sign that bigger and badder things are on the horizon. Let’s talk about how to recognize the difference. Is it dementia or old age?

I am not a doctor

Not in real life, the blogosphere or on TV! I am NOT a doctor of any shape or kind, nor do I pretend to be. All of my information and knowledge comes from reading the works of other people, and my own experiences with my loved ones. Nothing I say should be taken as any type or form of medical advice. Listen to me, sure, but trust your medical professionals with the continued care and diagnosis of your loved one. That said, I’ve come to understand some key differences between dementia and old age.

Now, let me tell you how dementia unfolded in Mom’s case… 

You won’t notice

I didn’t notice one damn thing. Not one. The years my parents were in their early 80’s, I was completely focused on the physical problems my father was having. During the ages of 80 to 86, Pop was overcoming two stage four cancers, and in sharp decline. He, and I, completely neglected Mom’s routine medical situations. I didn’t even realize we were doing it.

Pop did.

During the last year of his life, he pulled me aside to go over Mom’s medical records. We reviewed everything—which wasn’t much—and made a list of things she had let lapse or didn’t want to pursue any longer. It was during this year Pop kept poking me whenever Mom had a memory lapse. He would tap me at the table if she forgot where she put her fork, or make eyes at me if she couldn’t find the remote while it was in her hand. It wasn’t frequent, and it wasn’t at all dangerous, but it was, in retrospect, the beginning. 

It will be infrequent

The early stage of dementia—generally called “mild”—begins with these infrequent and easily explainable little lapses. With that, knowing if it’s dementia or old age can be difficult. Since it won’t be happening in your face all the time, it’s easy to overlook it, but it’s particularly important at this stage that you are aware of the cognitive changes happening in your loved one.

Common early dementia symptoms you might see include:

• Struggling to remember a word or name
• Reading the same story in the newspaper multiple times
• Frequently misplacing things that are in their right spot.
• Inability to plan or scaffold tasks, like making a multi-step meal

You can explain it away

Forgetting to close the refrigerator door, calling me Betty, or misplacing the car keys, are things anyone can do from time to time. Why would anyone even think dementia? Well, that’s the problem—we don’t. Nobody wants to believe it, or think it, and certainly we won’t give voice to it. “She’s just tired…” and “Somebody must have moved it…” became more common in my house.

We tried to explain it away by ignoring the fact that these little lapses were becoming more frequent, and were taking many different forms. It was particularly easy for her to maintain her composure while on the phone with one of my siblings. She could easily continue a cohesive conversation for five or ten minutes, at least, so they were definitely slower to see it than those of us who live here. They didn’t notice she asked about “your wife” or “your kids” without using any specific names, for example. 

I’m not sure which is worse as a caregiver—under- or overthinking symptoms. I do know, however, I’ve never gone wrong planning for the worse. In fact, I’m often pleasantly surprised. So, when these types of little things start to happen with some frequency and consistency, it’s time for you to take action.

Helpful hints for your home

On Mom’s television is a big index card. In big black letters it says “Grit 116.” No matter if it was dementia or old age, it’s still her favorite channel. It was one of the first things she couldn’t remember. This caused her to get mad at both the television (for being on the wrong channel) and me (for changing the channel). By labeling the television—and several other things—it has made it easier for her to be comfortable and have what she wants. 

Another important thing for you to consider is the safety of the physical space. Not just from the perspective of falling, but also confusion. While my mom loves her turtles and gnomes and ducks, she started to get frustrated that they were in her way. What I’ve done is try to minimize how many little figurines are in her direct view, and I change them out from time to time to keep them fresh. This way she has interesting things to look at, but doesn’t get as fussy about all of them on her shelves. 

Helpful hints to maintain independence

During this stage, frankly, Mom was still driving. We were still in the “is it or isn’t it” phase, and honestly a bit of the denial phase, so she kept driving. To help in case of a momentary lapse while alone out in the world, we did a few small things:

• My business card is in her wallet
• There is an index card in two places in her purse with my name and number
• There is an identical index card in the glove compartment of her car
• Our address is also on every card so she can show someone

This worked out beautifully for us near the end of her driving period, when she didn’t know how to get home. She was in a local casino playing Bingo when an employee saw how confused she looked. Fortunately, this kind soul led her to security, who helped her search her purse and find the cards with my information on them. They called me right away, and I went down to pick her up myself.

Was it scary? Mind-opening? Was it the last time she drove? Yes to all three. There is no independence that trumps safety.

Helpful tricks and devices

I’ve talked at length about the ways we have transitioned Mom from total independence to being reliant on us and her nurse for absolutely everything. A lot of it, to be perfectly honest, has been trickery and fast thinking on our part. We have, in many ways, utilized the skills we learned when we were parents of three kids under the age of five. During that time, everything was a negotiation, and we had three very different personalities to work with—similar to the different versions of Mom that I see now. 

During this early stage of dementia (not old age), we relied primarily on what was left of her functioning brain to still be the dominant side. We used things like game shows, puzzles and memory games to make sure that we were igniting as many of her connections as we could. Really, we should have started this sooner, but in our case we were just so focused on the multitude of Pop’s physical problems that we didn’t catch the beginnings of her dementia. Learn from my mistakes, please. Regardless of your loved one’s age—heck even for yourself!!!—create ways for them to use their brains and cognitive skills at every turn. The brain is another part of the body that is “use it or lose it”, so use it!

Remember who they were

Whether it is dementia or old age, they are still exactly who they are.

The very best thing we started to do as Pop was declining for the last time was to bring out the photo albums and home movies. Not only did this give both of them great joy to reminisce, it served as a way to keep Mom grounded and with us as the early dementia started to take hold. We would talk about different people, different trips and places we had been. We would laugh and cry. It was great. We continued this after Pop was gone. Initially I thought I was just helping her grieve, but I’ve since learned that using photos and movies is an awesome way to keep a dementia patient in the here and now, and help those synapses fire away in the brain.

Maybe for your loved one it’s knitting or crafting. To this day, watching and talking about old movies is a great way to keep Mom talking, keep her mind off of something, and help her wait patiently. Whatever that is for you, use it as much and as often as you can. It will help you in a wide variety of situations, whether waiting in the doctor’s waiting room or trying to dress a resistant parent. 

If all else fails…Grit is on channel 116 at my house. Cowboy movies 24/7. Yee haa

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about how to tell if it’s dementia or old age!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to resolve family conflicts over eldercare, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

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