Sharing The Daily Grind

I can’t overstate the daily grind of caring for an aging parent. It is an all-consuming, endless, mind-numbing task that has robbed me of vacations, romantic dinners with Sweet Husband, untold amounts of time, and extensive hours of sleep. It can grind you down and turn you into someone you’ve never met before. Especially if you avoid delegating the eldercare…

Don’t let that happen.

You probably have personal resources you can tap to give you a break, and I strongly encourage you to rally these troops, and allow them to help you in their own ways, so that you can maintain some semblance of a life that is satisfying and happy for you and your own family. 

“Patti, I’ve got nobody…” I can hear you saying. I don’t believe you! Take a minute right now and go through your phone. Those “frequently called contacts”, those relatives in or near town, even those relatives far away are all resources that you can tap into for assistance of varying kinds and degrees. You just need to get a little creative. 

There’s No Paid Help

I see you making that face, too, because I have some paid help. Yes, I did, and I am eternally thankful to Pop for making sure things would be less effort for me. He ensured that I (at least a little) was delegating my eldercare responsibilities. But, 18 hours a day, and 24 hours a day on weekends, it fell to me. I absolutely did have coverage so I could keep working, but the bulk of the time and all of the responsibility fell on me. 

According to AARP (2015) there were approximately 43.5 million caregivers providing unpaid care for their loved ones. We are a huge group, and we need support! With the vast majority of us (75% same source) being women, we have been raised to do our duty without complaint and without asking for help. This needs to change so that we can continue to live vibrant and interesting lives while we are doing this important job of caring for our elderly loved ones.

Ultimately, The Job will end, and we need to take care of ourselves so that we have lives after we are done.

Scenarios I’ve Seen

I’ve referenced many friends in these blogs, and that same AARP source stated that 1 in 6 Americans are currently caring for loved ones, so I’m almost positive you know someone else doing The Job. While the details are different, everyone doing The Job is working as hard as they possibly can to maintain their own life and career while providing dignified and enriching end of life care. It’s a Herculean task, but we are working diligently day in and day out to find balance. 

I have a friend who is fighting the good fight without family support. Literally their relatives have “checked out” and don’t even provide any emotional support. 

Several friends are caregiving from afar, which is early stage caregiving, and will probably extend to the next level at some point. For those people, the phone is their best friend, as they spend time every day checking in with their loved one. 

Most of my friends are in my situation—being the primary caregiver in a large family while the siblings provide mostly emotional support from a distance.

Divide And Conquer – DELEGATE

This is my single greatest piece of advice to keep your sanity doing The Job. Don’t do it alone. Divide and conquer using your resources. You HAVE to start delegating you eldercare tasks!

No matter what the scenario is for you and your loved one, there is SOMETHING that someone else can do to take a little of the burden off of you. One loving family we are friends with set up a phone schedule, so that each day of the week one of the children would call their mom. This way she had a call every single day, but the burden was shared amongst all of the siblings. It’s that easy to take a little off of your plate. 

Make a list of the different responsibilities—large and small—that you are responsible for, and then parcel them out to other people! Mom loves the dollar store, but it didn’t have to be me that took her there! That would be an excellent, weekly activity that you could dole out to your sibling who lives within driving distance, for example. 

Yeah, I Know…It’s Hard To Ask

I get it—I really do. I find it hard to ask for help, too, but I’ve gotten better as my caregiving situation got harder and more time consuming. It is always better if people offer a specific task—then saying yes is a no-brainer. So, for my readers out there who are support personnel—be specific and offer some type of assistance.

Don’t just say “I’m here if you need me”, because we won’t admit we need anybody. Instead, offer to take Mom to that doctor’s appointment instead of me, or offer to come for the weekend so Sweet Husband and I can get away together. Delegating in eldercare sometimes comes from offering delegations. We would love it if you would bring dinner over one night so we can go out to eat, and of course she would love some sweets for dessert that I don’t have to bake!

Often, family relationships dating all the way back to childhood get in the way of people helping the primary caregiver. Now is the time to put aside all of those childish and old grudges and band together to support the person you both love. This is the time for siblings to mend their relationship, and for people to cement their relationship with Mom. Nothing is better than helping to care for Mom to demonstrate the love and respect that might have been tested in years past. I wish relatives could learn the intrinsic sense of accomplishment and pride that comes with caring for Mom—it might help them prepare better for the eventual life without her. I’m telling you this, because asking for help will facilitate these positive benefits for your siblings. Help them receive these benefits by encouraging them to help you with these incredibly painful tasks.  

I Can’t Ask THEM!!!

Did you notice in the “Scenarios” section, I talked about a number of people I know in my situation. Did you notice they are all my FRIENDS? Ask your friends to support when delegating eldercare! This isn’t just a “blood relative” job—we need all hands on deck to make this work!!!

I would be dead in the water without Bestie Boo. My non-biological sister has stepped in multiple times to help me with The Job. There was the time I got the call at work that there was a problem at home, and she was there in minutes to oversee things until I could get home 30 minutes later. There was the time the battery in the car died, and she and her husband took care of it while I wasn’t home. She has shared homemade desserts, stopped by for a quick looksee, drove Pop to that emergency doctor’s appointment and brought over that egg Mom wanted for breakfast, to name just a few things. One time, she sent her son over to help Mom out when she got scared! 

Obviously, she is special, and few people are as lucky as me. But you have friends who love you, and would definitely help you out. Reach out to them. If they know how hard you are working to do a great job with your loved one, I’m sure they would be willing to donate an hour so you can grocery shop alone, or get a haircut, or just sit in a park.

Yes, you can ask them. The question is will you?  

The Benefits Are Real

In 2019 and 2021, my oldest brother used a week of his vacation to come stay with Mom so I could travel with my family. I am forever in his debt for these trips. These weeks were not only hard on him physically and emotionally, but it was time off he could have used differently, to travel with his own wife. Most of my friends, when they ask, have found that family members will step up and cover The Job so they can go away for a weekend or a week with their significant other. But, 99 times out of 100, you have to do the asking. Delegating in eldercare often starts with you.

We’re back to that.

I encourage those of you who have done this to comment below about the incredible benefits associated with getting assistance from family members. For me, I have appreciated every single time someone has stepped in and helped me. I return to the house feeling relaxed and refreshed, ready to resume my responsibilities. Whether it was an hour or a week in Florida, I had the opportunity to focus all of my attention on myself and my family, which is a luxury that I have lost doing The Job through the years. 

So, go ahead, ask. If they say no…ask someone else. You can always call me~

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about delegating in eldercare!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to go out with dementia patients, here, or see what the severe stages of dementia might look like here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! What are your next steps in eldercare? Any dementia stories? Let me know!

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