When You Are Chosen

Congratulations, Boo Boo! You have been chosen to be with your loved one when they take their final breaths in this world. I hope you read Part 1 last week. If not, head over there to read the beginning of this ode to creating a Death Vigil that will help guide your loved one into the next adventure. 

After the years we have spent caring for our loved ones, it’s only right that we spend some time planning for the end of their life, so that they can transition calmly and peacefully when their time comes. 

Hence, the morbidly-named, ultra-important Death Vigil. Continuing our journey…

First, Your Homework

Any good teacher knows to review the homework from the previous class before moving into new material, so let’s go over what you were asked to do. Oh, you forgot? No problem—you still have plenty of time, but I do suggest you follow my homework instructions at some point.

Part of your homework was reminiscing with yourself about your loved one when they were at their best. Maybe that was when they were young parents, or, for my parents, it was the decades they spent together in retirement. Reflecting on this is important, because you can use it to guide your very one-sided conversations by their bedside during the vigil. You will be filling their heads and hearts with precious memories of their greatest times. 

I also asked you to make a list of who needs to be notified in the time before death, and maybe even after death. Everyone who is important to your loved one needs to be notified, so they can make a decision about a last-minute trip or sending something to brighten the sick room. Your failure to notify an important person could cause you untold stress and anxiety when things ultimately end, so make this list now while you can relax and reflect. 

As for your Go Bag, that is something I have had in my closet for well over a decade now. Just in case. And I’ve used it, several times, while the ambulance was loading Pop and then Mom into the back to head to a hospital. Think of it like when you were preparing to deliver your first baby—your brain isn’t going to be fully functional during the crisis, so we prepare in advance as much as possible. 

Now…onto the Death Vigil itself…

What Will You Do, Literally?

Make no mistake about it, the Death Vigil is EXHAUSTING. It is interminable. It is painful. It is stressful. It just sucks. So, really, you need to plan out exactly what you will do for those many, many hours you are sitting vigil in their room. Having this plan will help the time pass, and will keep both you and the patient calm and relaxed during this difficult transition time. 

Memories are best

Remember your homework? Here is when it comes in handy, because you now have a long, detailed list of topics that you can talk about endlessly. Literally, just going through our entire family tree and telling Mom one or two things about each person will take me several hours. If I go over everything she told me about how she grew up, her parents, her brother and sisters, that will take me another day at least. Sharing their memories with them—even memories you aren’t in—is a fantastic thing to do for both of you. If they are able to listen and comprehend even a little, they will absolutely love it, and you will be visiting pieces of their lives you weren’t even in. 

Reading material

Pop was a reader, so it was easy for me to find things to read to him from the same books we both liked. Mom, however, was never much of a reader for pleasure. So how do you solve this dilemma?

• Meaningful – Mom loved reading the newspaper! Just reading the newspaper to her during the vigil will be enough so that she will hear my voice and be able to follow the cadence of my words. Another thing I know will fit the bill is the Bible. I can read any of that and know she will enjoy hearing from me. On the off-chance that your loved one is still comprehending your words despite their silence, finding things to read that will be relaxing and soothing to them is the best idea.
• Meaningless – Sometimes, you just gotta punt. Sweet Husband loves to do the daily crossword puzzle, and even if he just reads the clues and talks through the answers, that will be enough. The same with the funnies, or the horoscope—it doesn’t have to be great literature. Reading to them is more about them hearing your loving and soothing voice than what you actually read.

Plenty of time

Remember that you might be in this position for an extended period of time. The Death Vigil can stretch endlessly, so make sure that whatever you choose to do will be sustainable for you. I’ve often said The Job is a marathon and not a sprint, and that is particularly true of the Death Vigil. Make sure you have a long-range plan that is workable for you and your family, so you don’t have to adjust and falter at the end. 

Set The Mood In The Room For The Death Vigil

There is nothing more depressing than a sick room. It’s your job to make sure that nothing depressing enters that room, so make sure the room itself is inviting, warm and relaxing. Just because someone is dying here doesn’t mean they should already feel like they are in the coffin!

Lighting matters

Let the sun, with all its nutrients and healing properties, in the damn room! Open the curtains and talk about the weather. Is it warm enough to open the window? Maybe let a nice breeze cross their face, even. In the evenings, have good lighting in the room so that you can read, you can see them, and their visitors don’t feel like they’ve entered a macabre library.

Consider scent therapy

The smell of a dying room! Yikes! I’m a big fan of candles, and recommend that you consider some type of scent therapy. Again, this isn’t just for the dying, but for the visitors as well. If they are more comfortable in the space, they will visit more and stay longer, which is exactly what your loved one needs the most. 

The death playlist

What do you mean you haven’t made one yet? You need to get on this! I know I’ll be playing a ton of Elvis and the ever-sexy Tom Jones for Mom when the time comes. Maybe I’ll throw a few hymns in there for relaxation, but for the most part the sounds in the room will reflect the happy, content and relaxed atmosphere that we are building. Yeah…definitely some Frank Sinatra…definitely…

A Death Vigil Requires That You Take Breaks

So you have made the space as warm and inviting as you possibly can. Good. You have notified everyone of the impending death, and people are coming to visit at a more frequent pace. Your loved one is surrounded by people who love them, and those people are reminiscing and sharing their favorite stories. How nice.

Now, get the hell out of there. Seriously.

These are the times when you excuse yourself, and take a much-needed break. I don’t care if you take a half-hour bath, spend an hour browsing through Target or hit the local casino for a session of Bingo. Just get the hell out. 

We are working in a period of uncertainty right now. We don’t know how often people will visit. We don’t know how long your loved one will stay alive. We don’t know what will happen next. Take the break when you get it. 

Enticed to stay because you like the person visiting? No. You can take them to lunch when your Job is over—right now, they need to visit without you in the room. 

Let them say goodbye, too. 

You Don’t Owe Anybody Any Answers

Someone trying to make you feel guilty for going to Bingo? Someone questioning why there is music playing or incense burning? Someone telling you to do this or that? Ignore them!

You have been doing The Job for years, and you’re damn good at it. Most likely, anyone questioning your methods either has no idea what The Job entails, or they feel guilty because they haven’t visited much up until now. 

Do what you feel is right. You’ve taken them this far, and you will see it through your own way. Do not let anyone sway the decisions you are making. 

Your Last Chance To Get Answers

Let’s talk about your final visits, okay? You are the one who will be there every minute, hour, day, and you will probably know when things are winding down. Take advantage of that time to make sure that YOU are satisfied with how the Death Vigil has gone. Get your own answers, while you still can.

• What do you want to know? – Hopefully, by now you’ve learned everything you wanted to know, and have a firm grasp on what comes next with their estate and their burial plans. If there are any lingering questions, make sure you address them while you might still get a cogent answer. 
• What do you want to say? – This is it, Mayor. Your final chance to say your piece, to let them know how you are feeling, anything. Think about it in advance, and take your time getting everything off of your chest. Remember to thank them. Remember to tell them you love them. Remember to tell them you know they loved you. They really did.

The same old answer…

There’s only one Mayor of Crazytown. It’s you. It’s always been you. And now it’s time. Finish your Job. With love. With dignity. Your own way.

Then, when it’s done, then you can scream into the void. It helped me. 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about what to do at the moment of death!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out part 1, here, or if you’ve read that, check out how to talk to your siblings, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.

Oh! And don’t forget to check out my video series by CLICKING HERE!!!