You Don’t Agree With Me?

Shocking thought, I know! Hard to believe anybody would disagree with me about anything, isn’t it? Well…..not really…..at all…..There are plenty of times that people don’t agree with me about one thing or another—I don’t pretend to have all the right answers all of the time. I am pretty confident in my abilities in certain areas. And, I do like to maintain control over my environment as best I can. Sometimes, just sometimes, I’m pretty hard to get along with. Yes, I require conflict resolution, even in eldercare.

Enough personal confession time! How does this relate to my eldercare journey?

I’m the youngest of five kids. Four of us are married. Total of 15 kids between us. All 15 kids are over 18, some married with children. That’s a lot of opinions, particularly about someone they love. 

And there are a lot of decisions to be made. On an ongoing basis. It’s not easy.

Where Conflict Resolution With Our Eldercare Started

The first disagreement regarding my parents’ decisions about eldercare came very early on, when my parents were barely retired in the early 1990s. I was newly married, and Sweet Husband and I already knew that, if and when things started to go wrong, we were going to assume responsibility for my parents. As I’ve told you many times, early and frequent conversations will save you tons of heartache, and this is the origin of that story.

Mom and Pop created a Living Trust, Power of Attorney, and all of the documents necessary to ensure their quality of life through old age. They put my sister and I as the two Trustees on everything, with the initial plan that we would work together. Pop thought it was too big of a job to drop on one person.

The Discussion Of Eldercare

My brothers weren’t completely thrilled with this plan. However, Pop presented it to everyone at the same time during a family vacation, so that all viewpoints could be discussed. Having this open and honest conversation in person helped us navigate through what could have been a very destructive and upsetting time for members of my family. At the end of the day, the choices were my parents’ to make, but by sharing their thought process with everyone, we all were made a part of the journey. 

As time passed, my parents spent longer and longer in my house, finally settling in permanently about ten years ago. It was before that, about fifteen years ago now, that Pop started to have medical issues that demanded my attention. That’s when I realized that it was hampering my ability to make decisions by having two Trustees. Through a calm and civil discussion with my sister, the decision was made that I would be the sole Trustee, since my parents were living with me and relying on me for consistent care. 

So That Brings Us To Now

That’s how we ended up in this place, with me being solely in charge of my parents’ health decisions, finances and living decisions. It’s an awesome responsibility, but having it come to me slowly over years has made it easier. I truly feel for anyone who has these demands thrust upon them without warning—so much more work. 

What does any of this have to do with my siblings disagreeing with my choices? Well, that has happened over time as things deteriorated. It is also a necessary and important thing that needs to happen—nobody agrees all of the time. So this is how we have handled it…for the most part…

Trying To Be Proactive

Positivity and being proactive are two of the ways I cope with the demands of my life as a caregiver. The Job is extremely stressful and difficult, so you absolutely don’t want to add any additional pressures on yourself. 

Anticipate pressure points, and attack them as early as you can. 

It isn’t a perfect science, and it doesn’t always work. But I keep trying.

Early on, things like their travel schedule and with whom they were staying produced a little stress, for example. We tried to talk through it far in advance of the visit. Now things like telephone calls at convenient times can cause a little stress, but we have worked through that by being flexible and patient, because if Mom is not having a good day, it doesn’t matter that we have a Zoom call planned—it’s just not happening. Nope, not even on your birthday.

Helping the next generation—Mom’s grandchildren—to understand Granma’s limitations now has been something I’ve tried to be proactive about to avoid hurt feelings. She recognizes everyone as family, but that doesn’t mean she gets your name right, or which branch of the family tree you belong to. Since many of her grandchildren are on the East Coast and don’t have much contact with her, it is easy for them to be blindsided by how far she has deteriorated. Because of that, in advance of a Zoom call, I make sure to update the person on her condition and, especially, her limitations, so their expectations can be realistic.

Managing expectations has been the key to a lot of conflict resolution with eldercare.

Sharing Opinions Respectfully

I will freely and happily admit that despite everything we have gone through, the five children of Mom and Pop have had very, very few fights. Disagreements? Absolutely. But nothing earth shaking or glass shattering or permanent.

Your siblings, in my experience, will take their cues from your loved ones. My parents were calm and clear and very early on made their wishes known to everyone, so things didn’t really “come from me.” They actually came from my parents orally and in writing years ago—I am simply finishing the plans they shared with us decades ago. 

Since the model we had from our parents was calm and respectful, that is the habit that has predominated our adult lives. The five of us lead very different lives, in a total of five different states, but we manage to maintain a working, functioning relationship when it comes to our parents’ desires and final wishes.  

The Salient Point Is This:
When things are calm and relatively easy, set the routines and habits in motion that will sustain you when things get difficult and ugly. 

The Hard Part

The most difficult thing to discuss, in my opinion and research shows, is the financial aspect of end of life care. My parents were crystal clear that I would take control of the finances when the time came, so there has not been one incidence of anyone questioning my decisions. Being fully supported in that aspect of care, for example, has made it much easier for me to share the decision-making in other areas. I know that in the larger decisions I have their backing, which makes me more likely to solicit opinions on other matters. 

Not Letting Things Escalate

Nobody likes conflict. But…I much prefer a little conflict to a relationship-damaging fight.

For that reason, I will always try to face things head on and bring resolution before something escalates. This isn’t always easy, because everyone approaches conflict differently, and sometimes people just aren’t ready for resolution as quickly as I am. I am like a flashfire—very hot very fast, and then completely done and ready to move on. I don’t hold grudges or linger on bad feelings. Some people in your family, however, might want to live in the argument for a little while, and they slow the process.

Outright Defiance

Now that would be something, I must say. I have had siblings go to my parents directly after I have answered a question or rendered a decision. That was annoying, for sure, because it confused my parents about a medical decision related to Pop’s cancer treatment. But outright defiance? Not likely to happen if you have been open and honest up to this point. Deathbed stress outbursts of emotion? Yeah, I could see that…but I can also forgive that in the heat of a very stressful moment. 

This is a great time to remind you that you only control yourself—you can’t force people to do anything you want. Remember that when you try to resolve things, only to be rebuffed. 

Someone really making things difficult for you? Read on…

The Ultimate Answer

My parents chose me for these responsibilities, decades ago. It wasn’t easy for my siblings to accept, I’m sure, but my parents did it freely and willingly when they were young and healthy. That fact carries a lot of weight for my siblings, which is why I keep encouraging you to button all of these details up before any crisis befalls your loved ones. It makes conflict resolution with eldercare much easier…

Which brings us to the end of every single argument. About money. About healthcare decisions. About their heirlooms.

Here it is: My name is on the legal paperwork. 

It isn’t gentle or kind or pretty, but it is true. “Heavy is the head that wears the crown” (Shakespeare). Ultimately, it is my responsibility. Just me. 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about conflict resolution in eldercare!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to effectively celebrate with dementia, here, or different words of affirmation we love to hear as caregivers, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

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