Asking your family for a second opinion.

Big Brother Bob Was Here

Dear readers, you know how much I love Big Brother Bob. Recently retired, Big Brother Bob has been instrumental in my success as a caregiver. From 15 years ago, when I first took The Job, Big Brother Bob was the first one to offer his support, and his help. He has come across the country to Vegas numerous times so that I could vacation with my family, which has been the greatest gift of my life. Even the years and years he was working, Big Brother Bob would pencil in time every year to come visit my parents with his wife, Penny, and his two boys. I can’t count how many Thanksgivings they came for, sharing their wedding anniversary with my parents. 

And the notes…Big Brother Bob is famous for leaving notes behind when he goes home for me to find. Notes of love. Notes of support. Little nuggets of how important he is to me. 

I’m The Mayor

Twenty-four/seven/365. I am always The Mayor. I am never off-duty. Until Mom passes, I am on call every single second of the day, just like you. I can’t “just put my phone down” or “unplug for a while”. Even when I get on a plane, I have to pass the torch to my Sweet Lee Lee, just in case.

But…every so often…Big Brother Bob shows up…and I can breathe.

Hopefully, you have someone—maybe even some people—in your life that serves this purpose for you. I’ve got Sweet Husband, my kids and My Bestie Boo, so I know I am much more fortunate than the majority of caregivers. Through reading my blog all this time, I’m optimistic that you have found ways to build your circle larger, and relinquish some of the duties every so often, so you can breathe.  

But…I’m still The Mayor. Every second of every day.

But Big Brother Bob plays an extremely important role every time he comes to Vegas. Let’s look at how his visits and opinion positively impact the overall care Mom is receiving:

Give Him “Assignments”

Mom has needed a shelf hung in your apartment since she moved in. I asked Big Brother Bob to take care of this while he was here this time. This served several purposes:

1. It gave him a task…men love tasks
2. It gave him a conversation-starter with Mom
3. Mom got to watch him work in her apartment. This helped remind her of all the work Pop did in their house. She enjoyed watching him work.
4. Big Brother Bob can feel greater ownership of her situation and form his own opinion

Give Him A List Of Questions

I also gave Big Brother Bob a list of questions I wanted him to ask Mom. Since I never, ever do anything without a reason, here’s how this helped me:

1. They were great conversation starters for them to break the ice
2. Big Brother Bob LOVES old stories, so he got to hear some of the tall tales I get to hear every day
3. He learned a lot more about her current life, and how she spends her time
4. I got to hear how she answered the same questions I ask her every visit. It’s interesting how her answers vary depending on who is asking
5. It makes her feel powerful to share her stories and her day

Debrief After Each Visit

I definitely don’t use the word “debrief” with Big Brother Bob, because that sounds like work—or a police interrogation! What I’m looking for are his impressions of how she is doing, what we should change in her living environment, and his overall feelings about how she is doing compared to the last time he visited. Since Big Brother Bob visits about every six months, it is extremely important to me to hear his overall impressions and opinion of her decline. 

Over the years, he and his wife have mentioned numerous things to me that I didn’t even notice. Coming into it with those fresh eyes can be extremely important for me to recognize the subtle changes I take for granted.

Let Him Vent His Feelings

Coming every six months might sound great to me, but it could be quite jarring for Big Brother Bob to see the decline from a previous visit. Plus, every visit is different, and if he happens to come on a “bad week,” he can have very negative and frustrated emotions to deal with from her and from him!

It’s important that his feelings and opinion are validated, as well. As someone who loves a person with severe dementia, it is inevitable that his emotions will overtake him from time to time, and he needs a safe space to vent his feelings. Sometimes, those frustrations are very hard to put into words—especially when you are seeing such drastic decline in a parent—and Big Brother Bob, or anybody, just needs someone to listen.

To Heck With Him…I Vent My Feelings!

I absolutely LOVE talking to my team—it always makes me feel better. Sharing a difficult visit with Sweet Husband, Robber Baron or Bestie Boo always makes it less upsetting or frustrating to me, and I value the time they give me to decompress after every visit.

Talking to Big Brother Bob, or Big Brother Bill, is a completely different type of satisfying for me. They share my distant past. They share my parents. Nobody is better to talk to about the changes in my Mom than my brothers. I am very hopeful that you have at least one of your siblings or cousins that you can use as that special sounding board. There is a certain satisfaction and release in rehashing some great family memories with the only people who knew you “back then”. Doing this in front of Mom is getting more and more difficult, since we get very loud and very emotional—it’s hard for her to keep up and she gets frustrated. That’s why, every visit, we have one yelling, laughing, crying event at my kitchen table where we rehash things from the 1970’s.

I strongly suggest this type of therapy for you, too.

Don’t Get Involved

One of my personal “rules” (they’re really guidelines, Captain Sparrow) is to NOT attend visits when my brothers are in town. Mom still recognizes them as a member of the family, even though she can’t tell one brother from the other, so she is thrilled when they walk in the room. I’ve found that my presence acts as too much of a disturbance in their time together, so I stay away. If I’m there, she defers to me to answer questions and keep the conversation flowing. She also expects a “normal” visit, which would include straightening her drawers, putting away laundry and changing the bed. 

Having Big Brother Bob and his wife, Penny, visit on their own, in my opinion, ensures that their visit is the sole focus of the day. They will bring her a sweet treat, and maybe something to do to keep her busy. But they will do whatever they want—that is what makes it such a special visit. 

Enjoy Your “Time Off”

So, when people are in town, I take full advantage of my time off! It is my opinion that you should to. Before big Brother Bob got here, I refilled her fridge with soda, loaded up her bathroom supplies and brought some treats. Then, I had an entire week off. I could come straight home after work…I could even work late (Okay…didn’t even consider doing that). I could cook leisurely in the evening, and focus more time and energy on Sweet Husband. 

I was absolutely on call—I always am. But I wasn’t on site.

It was glorious.

Say “Thank You”

So, I wrote this blog to encourage you to cultivate this type of relationship with someone in your family. Someone who will step in and cover for you so you can just take some time off. I didn’t go anywhere…but I didn’t go to the Facility, either. Find someone who loves you—and your loved one—enough to do this for you.

Then say thank you.

Which is the real reason for the blog this week.

Thank you, Bob. I love you~

THANKS FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about a second opinion!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out part 1 of my Mother-In-Law story, here, or if you’ve read that, check out part 2, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.

Oh! And don’t forget to check out my video series by CLICKING HERE!!!