The Place Isn’t Utopia, You Know…

It’s not home, Boo Boo.

I did the very best I could when I chose Mom’s facility, and you will do the exact same thing. You will research many, visit some, narrow it down to two, and ultimately make a decision.

It still won’t be home.

You need to be at peace with your decision—I certainly was. When you reach the stage where The Facility is on the horizon, you need to do everything you can to ensure the proper placement for your loved one.

Then, my friend, you need to remain vigilant.

Expectations…

Before you start to look, you need to have a very clear idea of your budget, your non-negotiables, and your wish list. Once that is resolved, looking at locations will become significantly easier.

With that being said, be sure to have expectations that are realistic, and that you have a chance of fulfilling. It isn’t going to be your home, like home or as good as home.

It will still be safe and manageable for your loved one. So, you will move them in.

The complaints will probably be fast and furious at first. Some will just be “growing pains” for your loved one, but some of them you will need to deal with. Let’s look at some of those…

Issues With Activities

The level of care you have chosen for your loved one will definitely impact the types and frequency of activities in The Facility. There are, for example, significantly more activities and events in the Assisted Living side of Mom’s place, because of the abilities and cognitive levels of those living there. No matter what, there should be activities on an ongoing basis.

They don’t have any

Walk back out the door. Your loved one isn’t a vegetable, and needs to have stimulation of various types for their well-being. Make sure you have a good look at the weekly and monthly activity list before moving your loved one in. 

They aren’t fun

Mom loves to draw her own pictures, or color in an existing page. She does not, however, enjoy activities with glue and glitter. Some days, there is nothing on the list that she cares for, but fortunately the activities they offer are diverse, and some of them will definitely appeal to your loved one.

The schedule doesn’t work

Mom sleeps in now—a TOTAL change from the Mom who raised me. This means that she misses all of the activities—including worship—that take place before 10 am. Fortunately, the activities schedule runs daily until about 3 pm, so she is able to participate in Bingo or chair yoga if she wants to. 

The Solution

Part of the solution to activities issues is flexibility on both sides of this coin. Since Mom sleeps in, if there is an activity scheduled early in the day, they will try to put it aside for Mom to complete later in the day. Another solution if your loved one isn’t thrilled with the offerings is to attend the activity with them. I found that when I went to flower arranging with Mom (yup—Trader Joe’s sends over free flowers for them), she was much more likely to participate. 

The Food Is Bland

Just like it isn’t home, it also isn’t home cooking! While The Facility has a full kitchen that serves both Assisted Living and Memory Care, it is still food that is being produced en masse. It is also being prepared for a demographic known for their bland palettes and dislike of spicy food. All of this can lead to loud and long complaints about the food. Let’s talk specifics…

Not Enough Variety

Every single day at lunch they offer soup. It’s a seven-day rotation of soups, and seems boring to me. Mom loves all soups, so she looks forward to lunch more than any other meal! Try to impress upon your loved one that routines at mealtime have their benefits, too, since they will be able to predict when their favorites will be in rotation, and look forward to certain desserts.

Too “Institutional”

Absolutely a problem, the food at The Facility is being prepared for 30 memory care patients. They lack the freedom of choice the Assisted Living side has, and can remind them of eating in the school cafeteria. This is definitely a situation that can’t easily be rectified, but I’ve found that if I stay for a non-favorite meal, Mom is much more likely to eat without complaint.

Mom Is Losing Weight

Yeah, well, get ready for this because it’s going to happen. You should encourage your facility to do something to ensure (get it…Ensure…) that your loved one is getting enough calories. That might be supplemental high-calorie drinks, or an increase in other types of foods.

The Solution

I’ve got two for you:

• Bring in some food! There is no reason Mom can’t eat leftovers from my house! When I prepare a particular favorite of hers, I’ll bring it to her so she can enjoy it as well.
• Speak to the kitchen manager. When Mom wasn’t eating any breakfast, a quick consult with the kitchen manager changed her menu immediately. Since Mom doesn’t like eggs, they send over oatmeal and fruit for her when eggs are on the menu.

Visiting Hours Suck!

You are not putting your loved one in prison. There is absolutely no reason your facility should not welcome any and all visitors if their goal is to maintain the highest possible quality of life for your person. That being said, they are running a very complicated business within those walls, so you might find yourself locked out—literally and figuratively!

• Limited number of people – Mom is on some anti-agitation pills now, which she desperately needs to maintain a calm and relaxed demeanor. That being said, she can still get very flustered if we have too many people visiting her at once. We try to stagger our visits so she is seeing people more often—not in larger numbers. For this reason, it’s possible your chosen facility will have a cap on how many people can visit at a time. It might be what’s best for the residents.
• No visiting after hours – No matter what location you place your loved one in, it will be a busy, active, 24-hours a day hub of activity. Mom, for example, is known to get up in the night and wander the halls. She’s looking for an ice cream sandwich, by the way. So, in my opinion, there is no reason I can’t visit whenever I want. You need to choose a location, however, with rules that you can live with for an extended period of time.
• The solution – Two ways to skin this cat:
  • Find another facility. Let’s say, for example, you work a swing shift, and want or need to visit around midnight some days. If that is a priority for you, make sure you are looking at facilities that will accommodate that. This was not negotiable for me, because I knew Mom’s habit of walking the floor in the late hours, so I only visited places with 24-hour visitation.
  • See if they will make exceptions. I have heard from readers about facilities making exceptions for people to watch sporting events together or favorite movies. I also heard of exceptions being made for loved ones flying in late at night. It’s possible that this “rule” in the facility can have a little flexibility and bend to it on a limited basis. 

I’ve Got Other Concerns, Pat!

I hear you, my friend, which is why I’ll continue with potential pitfalls—always with solutions for you—next week in the blog. 

In the meantime, please reach out with situations I haven’t considered! My frame of reference relies quite heavily on Mom and The Facility, so let me know if I’ve dodged a bullet with a problem you had with your own loved one!

See you next week, to talk about pets, the air conditioning, and bad attitudes! 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about problems at the facility!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out tax season for the elderly, here, or if you’ve read that, check out part 2 of death vigils, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

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