What Now?
There are days Mom doesn’t say five words to me the entire time I visit. While I’m lucky enough to have many days where we can talk to each other, and she can respond to things that I say, the communication is definitely changing. Declining.
I can take the physical decline, I can stomach the messes, and I can even grit my teeth through the loss of memories of who I am. Not talking at all, though, is a whole new level that I am struggling with accepting.
So, what do we do when our primary form of communication is now lost to us? We pivot, punt, change direction, acclimate, adapt, overcome.
Just like every other topic…we solve our problem.
Keep Talking
For obvious reasons, research is light on whether they understand what we are saying during this late-stage symptom of dementia.
I believe she hears every word. In tone if not in topic.
Keep talking, my friend, keep talking.
But, Pat, what do I say?
I don’t care.
What matters far more than your words is your tone. It’s important that you keep your voice modulated and even while you are talking to them. In the beginning of our visit, I always start out with family topics—how everybody is doing, what Big Brother Bob said on the phone the other day, what happened at work that day. Normal things that we would have talked about around the kitchen table for dinner in better years.
But…sometimes I run out of personal things to talk about. My life isn’t all that interesting, you know!
When that happens, I have a few things up my sleeve that I can pull out to keep the one-sided conversation going. There are times with Mom that I read her all of the comments I find on Facebook, or even read some story from our local newspaper. I’ve been known to list every vacation we’ve ever taken—in order, and to go through the laundry list of things I did wrong when I was a kid.
It just doesn’t matter. What matters is that my voice is calm, relaxed, and carries with it a hint of a smile.
And…I won’t stop talking.
The Power Of Touch
Another hugely important thing for your dementia patient is the power of positive touching. While this might not seem particularly comfortable for you at first, get through the awkwardness, because this is quite powerful for your loved one.
Obviously, holding their hand while you are chatting is a fantastic first step, and I suggest you get in the habit of doing that whenever you are visiting. But there are definitely other things you can do.
What kind of lotion do you use? Does it have a pleasing scent? How about you share it with your loved one? A quick hand massage with a scented lotion could be quite soothing to them in the moment, and the scent will linger so they can continue to enjoy it. This is a great, quick and non-invasive way for you to connect with them on a non-verbal level.
Acts of personal hygiene are another great way for you to add touch to your communication. For me, Mom loves when I brush her hair, and I can do that for quite a while as she relaxes with her eyes closed. Putting on face lotion is another thing Mom really likes, and is something she will participate in even on days she isn’t speaking.
The most important thing in using touch as communication is to stick with what you are comfortable with. Your loved one will feel and internalize any tension you might have, so be careful what you choose to do.
The Strength Of Eye Contact
On the days Mom isn’t talking, I find that often she is staring intently at me. I don’t know if she is trying to communicate, trying to remember who I am, or has gas, but it is truly an intense stare.
I respond by maintaining eye contact as much as I possibly can while I continue to speak to her in an even tone, or buzz around her room doing my chores. As I hang up her clothes, I will turn directly towards her and talk about each blouse or pair of pants as I go about my tasks. Every time I turn towards her, she is looking directly at me.
The intense stare might be quite intimidating to casual visitors—I think it makes my kids nervous when Granma does it—but you need to return that look at much as you can, with a happy smile and a relaxing tone of voice. It’s part of The Job.
The Wonder Of Facial Expressions
I have mentioned your “happy smile” many times throughout my blogs, and it is a very important facial expression you might have to practice. After all, you definitely won’t always be happy as the Mayor.
At all times with Mom, I work hard to maintain that happy smile, a relaxed posture and facial expression, and a calm tone.
When I read to her, for example, I make sure I look up often and present an exaggerated facial expression depending on what I am reading. I looked uber-confused last week when the weather forecast was potentially snow here in Southern Nevada, and I looked extra shocked when the paper projected crowds for the upcoming Super Bowl.
Maybe she’s not talking, but she can tell from multiple sources what I’m telling her.
The Importance Of Body Language
I’ve told you about my habits when I visit the facility. I take a deep breath and adjust my face and body into the proper positions, so that when Mom sees me, I am predictable and positive.
Poor body language—stressed, frustrated, exhausted—can override even the most positive, uplifting voice. Make sure that you are projecting exactly what you intend, and don’t send mixed messages to your loved one. It is hard enough for them to keep up with what you are saying and doing—don’t make it confusing as well.
Make sure your shoulders don’t slump when they don’t recognize you, or that you sigh when they can’t answer your question. Just because they aren’t talking doesn’t me they aren’t comprehending what’s happening around them.
Consider Art Therapy
When Mom first entered the facility, Big Brother Bob gave her an adult coloring book about all fifty states. It had words and pictures, and showed the most popular landmarks in each state. It. Was. Brilliant. It engaged Mom on multiple levels, with the written word, pictures of places she had visited, and the ability to use colors to bring it all to life. Last year, LeeLee brought a cookie decorating set for her, and Mom had a blast decorating the cookies—well, she ate a lot of the product, anyway!
Both of these are excellent examples of things that you can do while your loved one is in your home, or once they have transitioned to a facility. Engaging them in ways that don’t involve speaking might be the perfect recipe for success in your case.
Whether it is painting rocks in the backyard, icing the cupcakes for dinner or a paint-by-number picture, there are numerous ways for you to use art therapy with your loved one no matter what stage of dementia they are in. Get creative, and offer a few different options next week—maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
No Matter What
Nothing in this week’s blog comes naturally to me. Just so you know—I struggle mightily with non-verbal communication. I am not artistic or creative, and, let’s face it, by the time I get to the facility in the late afternoon I’m pretty tired and wrung-out from school.
But, I’m the Mayor.
Most of the time, I don’t get to choose what to do. But I can absolutely choose how I approach it. So I try anything and everything I can think of to engage Mom while I still can. I rejoice on days I enter and she calls my name, but I am always emotionally prepared to enter the room of a stranger.
The best thing you can do for them is to be prepared regardless of what you find. I usually carry a rather large bag of tricks into the facility, and often I don’t even open it. If I can find ways to engage her without props, I do that, leaving the coloring book and magazines in my bag for next time.
You’re not just the Mayor, you’re a chameleon.
And, no matter what, you won’t stop trying. Ever.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!
Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about non-verbal communication in eldercare!
Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out part 1 of death vigils, here, or if you’ve read that, check out part 2, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!
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