So You’ve Become A Caregiver?

It creeps up on you. It happens in the blink of an eye, and over the process of years. It takes its time, and throws itself on you. One day you are a child…and the next, without warning, you are The Mayor. 

Welcome to the club. We’ve got cookies. 

It doesn’t exactly happen right on New Year’s Day, or your birthday, or Tuesday. It just happens in its own time, on its own schedule, at its own pace. Maybe you are living through the slow decline of dementia, or the sudden heart attack, stroke, fall, car accident or other emergency situation. It’s different for each of us.

But…it is us. You. Me. Millions of others around the country who have taken on the mantle of caregiving for people we love. 

If you’re lucky, like I was with Pop, it happens slowly over time, with loving and in depth conversations along the way to soften the road for me. By the time the slow decline of dementia hit Mom, I already had all the information I needed from my years caring for Pop.

Most people aren’t that lucky. No matter what your personal trajectory was, I have a very comprehensive list for you to consider before you move forward. Whether you’re already neck-deep in the process, or feel like it is in your future, read on to find things you might not have thought of…yet.

Considerations For You

You, Boo Boo, are actually the central character in The Job. Without you, the entire situation would be precarious and dangerous for your loved one, so it is important that as soon as you possibly can, you reflect on some of these questions.

Is this what I want?

You still have a choice. I don’t care what your siblings say, what your guilt tells you, what society thinks. You have a choice. Before you willingly embark on this journey, take the time to evaluate whether or not it is a level of responsibility you want. You can still say no.

Can I handle this?

I remember the moment when this question popped up uninvited in my brain. I was years into The Job, actually, and the first time the doctors and my parents turned to me to make a big decision. I remember the air leaving the small examining room, and the eyes on me. Was it seconds or hours? I don’t know. But I remember that clear, resolute belief that I could, indeed, handle this. I don’t know when this realization will hit you, but I know, for sure, that you can, in fact, handle this. 

What about my own family?

This was the single most important thing for me to consider when we talked about The Job early on. I had a young family at that point, and was absolutely adamant that they would remain my priority. As the kids grew and matured with their grandparents in the house, things became smoother and easier in some ways, with that multi-generational support at all levels. I do believe, in my heart, that growing up with their grandparents taught my kids many important lessons in compassion and understanding. 

Where do I begin?

Right here. Right now. You begin simply with a shift in your focus that allows you to switch seamlessly from child to caregiver. From the one in need to the one for the needy. You claim your position as The Mayor. It happens in the blink of an eye.

First Steps For You To Get Started

Something has happened for you to be approached for The Mayor position. Whether, like Pop, your parent is planning for a distant future that they know to be inevitable, or an accident has occurred learning your loved one unable to make decisions.

The decision has been made. You have agreed to this position. Now what? 

Recognize your position

Your position actually has tremendous power, and you need to claim it. You have just jumped from an interested observer to the decision maker in all things medical, financial and legal. This isn’t simply providing your telephone number and waiting for someone to call. This is a huge paradigm shift, a movement of tectonic plates, a rogue wave. Feel your shoulders getting heavier? Yeah, that’s about right.

Get a good diagnosis

Before I became Mayor, I didn’t attend all doctor’s appointments, and only had my parents memory of what physicians said. When you take over, I strongly suggest appointments with all of the doctors, so you can get accurate, updated diagnoses so you can move forward with the correct information. I was quite surprised by the things doctors told me once I started to attend and participate in all appointments.

Talk about the finances

We have talked about this in the past, and I renew my strong suggestions that you become involved in financial decision-making as early as possible. Not only is this important for your parents to understand their position, but it has made it possible for me to continue the gift-giving habits my parents established years ago. 

Get all of the family on board

It is entirely possible that your new position will come as something of a shock to your siblings. Don’t be discouraged or surprised if they do not welcome this change with open arms. Choosing you as The Mayor obviously discounts them as the key decision-maker chosen by your parents. Respect the feelings of your siblings if they aren’t happy, and reassure them that you will welcome all ideas and assistance as you continue this journey.

Complete all legal paperwork

This beginning process is the time you need to get your hands on all legal documentation, and make sure it is still in effect. My parents, for example, had originally done all of their paperwork in Florida, and there were several changes that needed to be made when they relocated to my house in Nevada. Now is the time for you to make sure everything is legal and complete.

Find or create a support system

I’ve been quite vocal over the years about the need for you to have your own support system. Now is the time for you to start “interviewing” everybody you know, to ascertain if they can help you in this journey. The ability through the years to share my feelings and frustrations with Bestie Boo, for example, has made the process so much easier in a million ways. 

Gather the important financial documents

Okay, you are emotionally ready and have started to create your support system. You slept well last night, and the weight of this new position hasn’t kept you up with stress. Now, let’s get down to probably the most important thing you can do to take care of your loved ones. Sorry, Boo Boo, it isn’t love and holding hands—it’s making sure they can financially manage their impending care and costs. 

The number one cause for bankruptcy in the United States right now is medical bills. Further, approximately 85% of caregivers are providing some level of financial support for their loved ones. When you combine these statistics, they become very frightening, and we need to do everything in our power to make sure they don’t happen in your family. While you have indicated your willingness to take care of your loved one, that should not equate to financial hardship for your own family. Let’s look at the financial documents you need to look at so you can make intelligent decisions. 

Bank accounts

Not only are you making sure you know about every account, but you are also verifying that they aren’t costing your parents any money! Monthly fees really can add up, and if your loved ones aren’t online, they may not be checking these accounts frequently. Move money as necessary to remove fees, and to make things more accessible for you.

Investments

Another thing to watch out for, since your parents are significantly older than you, is that their stocks might actually be in the form of, literally, stock certificates. Whenever possible, make sure that all of their holdings are electronic, so that you can evaluate them—and potentially sell them—easily. Do a deep dive on this topic, since it is too easy for the elderly to forget what they have purchased years ago. 

Pensions

This became paramount to me when Pop passed and I needed to ensure Mom would have enough money moving forward. A good friend just told me of her buddy, whose husband just passed and she learned his pension ended with his death. That type of financial devastation would be insurmountable to the surviving spouse. Make sure beneficiaries are correctly documented, too.

Previous Tax Returns

A huge source of information for you will be the previous year’s tax returns. Hopefully prepared professionally, you will be able to use that document moving forward to make sure you have information on all of their holdings. This will also help you plan moving forward if they previously had to pay additional taxes. 

Deed/Title to all owned property

Not only to check for proper ownership in the case of one spouse’s death, it’s important for you to have the title to the car, too. You can’t sell their home or car without a clear title, so make sure you have those documents now to make things easier in the future.  

Life insurance policies

It is not uncommon for the elderly to have multiple life insurance policies that they have purchased through the years. Particularly, you are looking for policies they paid for in full with a guaranteed payout, because this wouldn’t be reflected in their monthly or yearly bills. 

Calculate all debts

Finally, look for some “hidden” debts that could derail their future. The average American has almost $10,000 in credit card debt—that includes the elderly! Make sure you pay off all consumer debt as soon as possible, and take control of the accounts so your loved one doesn’t get back into trouble. 

Coming Next Week in PART TWO:

Come back next Friday for information about the healthcare documents you need to secure in order to do the job. We will also tackle the key differences between a Trust and a Will, as well as determining their living arrangements!

Plus—we’ll discuss the importance of your own self-care in this process.

See you next week~

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about your new job!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out part 1 of death vigils, here, or if you’ve read that, check out part 2, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.

Oh! And don’t forget to check out my video series by CLICKING HERE!!!

Resources

https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregiving-101-being-caregiver/

https://www.trustworthy.com/blog/complete-list-for-elderly-parents

10 Important Tips for Caregivers, from Caregivers