What can make the eldercare nurse cry?

I’ve spent a significant part of the past decade in the presence of nursing professionals, particularly the eldercare nurse. From the dental hygienist that fitted Mom’s dentures and Pop’s partial to the Office Manager of Pop’s oncologist. I’ve spoken with home health nurses and hospice nurses over the years, in addition to the incredible emergency room, ICU and long-term care nurses who have cared for my parents.

So have you. In The Job, you come into contact with a wide variety of medical professionals over time. 

And the greatest of these is the nurse.

They are the strongest people you will ever meet, who can walk that fine line between being a warm and compassionate caregiver and the drill sergeant who keeps extra visitors from the hospital room. I have incredible respect for the nursing profession, and they remind me of teachers in some ways. Not only do they not know what or who they will be dealing with on a given day, but their day doesn’t usually end when their contract time ends, since there are still people to talk to and paperwork to get done. 

But teachers don’t hold the string that keeps your heart beating. That’s the nurse.

They Are The Strongest Profession

I did not respect Trisha less because she didn’t have a nursing degree. Trisha was the home health care provider who stayed with Mom eight hours a day during the moderate dementia phase so I could work. She was incredible with her job, and enabled me to have a life at a time when I was feeling quite helpless and hopeless. She was a nurse. Our eldercare nurse.

I remember the hospice nurses with Pop, coming in and helping him move around like he was a small sack of flour, they were so strong. They wouldn’t take no for an answer, and helped him feel more alive and independent when we knew the end was near. They were nurses.

Pop’s oncologist was a great man, who was smart enough to hire an incredible Office Manager. It was she who visited Pop during chemo with a magazine and a smile. It was she who called me with the bad news that the chemo was unsuccessful, and who sent flowers when the end was drawing near. She was a nurse. 

It is the lead nurse at Mom’s facility that calls me in the morning, in the evening, late at night, when things with Mom reach a difficult position. She talks me through the medication changes, and the positive and negative symptoms they are seeing on a daily basis. She smiles every time I visit, and makes sure Mom has an extra ice cream sandwich each night. She is a nurse. 

They Become Quite Attached To Their Patients

I have witnessed firsthand how attached to their patients the nurses can become, and I wonder how their hearts can expand to fit everyone in. Particularly with an eldercare, hospice, or dementia nurse, I wonder how they leave it all at work and not take it home. There is so much sadness and misery in their professional life, I wonder how they turn that switch and change into loving and happy mothers and spouses when they leave.

It’s a skill I can’t imagine. 

So I finally just asked…

Having dealt intimately with nurses for so many years, and observing them at their best and worst, I finally had to ask: What makes you cry?

The answer was simple, and universal: Family strife. 

The Eldercare Nurse Sees It All

Think about it for a minute…when do you see a nurse?

When something is wrong that you can’t control.

If you could solve your problem, you wouldn’t need professional help, right? So the only time you are dealing with medical professionals of any kind is when you can’t manage your own health or life. You are vulnerable.

So, they see us at our absolute worst, whether we are the actual patient or not. As The Mayor, I am at my best—and my worst—during a medical crisis. I know, absolutely, that I become very cold and direct and demand answers in a timely fashion. It is not the Patti Party Personality everybody likes, let me tell you. I become—because I have to—the keeper of the life of my parents. The person assigned to keep them breathing at all costs.

I try very hard to stay calm, but I know for sure I’m not patient or particularly polite. 

They Have To Remain Neutral

No matter what, the nurse remains calm, cool and professional at all times. Whereas when things are calm they will come in smiling and jovial, when things go wrong, they go immediately into life-saving mode until the crisis has passed.

If I wasn’t afraid my parent was dying, it would be incredible to watch, really. 

So, more than one nurse has told me that observing family struggles during a medical crisis is the thing that brings them to tears, so I asked for examples. One nurse shared with me the frustration of watching adult kids who were unwilling to accept the impending death of a parent. They became so upset and frustrated that they turned on one another, fighting and yelling over the deathbed about things they would have forgotten by morning.

Below them, the parent lay dying. They lost those beautiful, poignant final moments with their loved one because they couldn’t get past their anger and fear of the impending death. Watching the tears slip from the patient’s eyes was the final straw to make Megan cry. She said she stepped in to fix the covers of the patient, patting them on the arm and wiping away the tears. That scene was enough to jolt the family out of their hysteria and calm the situation down.

They Work for The Patient—NOT YOU

Christine, a nurse at Mom’s facility, told me about some very frustrating family strife that recently brought her to tears, as well. The patient, an elderly man, is a wonderful guy suffering from severe dementia, with three children. Two children live here in town, and visit with some regularity, whereas one daughter comes in monthly from out of town to spend a weekend with her dad. On the surface, it sounds like a good working relationship, with plenty of people visiting the dad on a regular basis.

Unfortunately, the sister from out of town has very different ideas of what is “healthy” for the parent. Against the wishes of the two siblings who live in town, the sister always brings unhealthy fast food, soda and desserts for her father, despite the brother and sister in town trying to keep Dad on a very strict diet. She swoops in once a month and takes him out for lunch, bringing him back with snacks and the dreaded soda.

This puts Christine squarely in the middle of the problem, with the local kids railing at her for allowing the out-of-towner to do such things with their father. Christine, during a few lucid moments, spoke to Dad about what he wants and how he likes how each of his kids treat him, and he appears to be either happy or happily oblivious to all of the strife. 

Christine is getting the worst of it from both sides. It saddens her that something as silly as a can of soda is getting between the siblings, and causing so much unrest in the facility. All she sees is an elderly man with little time—and little brain cells—left, being placed in the middle of a stupid battle.

Their Final Answer

So, the morale of my story, Boo Boo, is easy: Don’t be a problem.

Recognize that the nurses are doing their absolute best, twenty-four hours a day, taking care of your loved one. Those nurses have enabled me to have a life, knowing that Mom is being taken care of properly and with love. 

Respect them. Revere them. Reward them. 

Or just ignore them—that’s better than putting them in the middle of your generations-old family struggles for power.

Because, in the end, every single nurse I spoke to said the same thing: “It just depends who is on the legal documents”. It’s all about the paper again, my friends.

There is only one Mayor of Crazytown.

And you need to respect the professionals. 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about the eldercare nurse!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out traveling sick, here, or if you’ve read that, check out how to talk to your siblings, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! Any dementia stories? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.

Oh! And don’t forget to check out my video series by CLICKING HERE!!!