Coping with grief.
It Would Have Been Pop’s Birthday
Pop would have been 93. He’s been gone for over six years now, if you can believe that, but he is still in my mind every day. A very dear friend just lost her father this year, and I cringed on hearing the news—knowing what awaited her from the grief department.
Grief sucks. No doubt about it, it sucks. Plus, it’s made even worse by the fact that every single death is different, and will be processed differently.
You just can’t get a handle on the bitch. It’s always in charge when it shows up.
And it’s coming. For you. For me. For all of us. We can’t escape it.
Yeah us.
Why Grief Harder When It’s A Parent
My entire life is charmed, we all know that, and I’ve escaped many of the pitfalls of grief that have plagued people I love. The only significant loss I had in my life was when Nanny died, and I was 32 and pregnant at the time.
But losing a parent…that’s a special section of Hell.
Your relationship with your parents is so unique in your life, making this type of grief especially hard. Nobody else has your memories all the way from birth, and absolutely nobody loves you like your parents. That unconditional love is inbred into us as children, and we know their love is eternal, as well.
Your parents are the strongest bind that ties you to your youth—that carefree and fun time before adulthood crashed into us. You share their eyes, maybe a slime or an unfortunate hairline, maybe a short temper or a ton of patience. You share their DNA.
There is a special pain associated with losing a parent.
And it’s coming for all of us.
The Five Stages Of Grief
If you haven’t yet, I recommend you check out my previous blog about Anticipatory Grief. The long, slow, painful death of my father forced me to confront some elements of grief long before he was actually dead, and if that is your situation, I suggest you do your research about anticipatory grief, so that you can be more prepared for what is ahead of you.
Most deaths, however, come at us unawares, usually when our guard is down and we aren’t even considering the option of our loved one being gone.
So, let’s talk about the basic five stages of grief that you will probably go through.
Denial
I can’t tell you how many times I told Pop “We’re gonna beat this thing!” and I always believed it. I’m a firm believer in positive thinking putting positive results into the air. But, really, it was a form of denial. Finding out that someone you love is dying is a highly charged, emotional time. People will react to it in different ways, and sometimes those ways can’t even be predicted. Denial at the time of diagnosis is obviously quite common, but denial at the moment of death can be equally devastating, because it robs you of the moment itself. It’s your last opportunity to speak to your loved one, and being mired in the “This can’t be happening” mindset can steal those last precious moments.
Anger
Denial is a very negative emotion, with no real positive aspects. Unfortunately, anger is in that same wheelhouse. Anger at Pop’s diagnoses was very common for me, and it took all of my energy and concentration not to infect my parents with my abject anger. I would rail and cry and storm around my bedroom behind closed doors, but I worked very hard not to let my parents—and especially my children—see just how pissed off I really was. If possible, try to keep Anger in check—left untreated it can become very strong and unable to control.
Bargaining
Pop had a thing in the final years. He wanted to see RobberBaron graduate from high school. He told me this many, many times, and it was always in the back of my mind as the different cancers attacked him. That was my bargaining chip with the Powers that Be—just let him see RobberBaron graduate. Well, he had the chance to see him graduate from high school, and took great pride in handing him his graduation present himself. He was quite weak at that point, but I know he felt like he accomplished something big by making it past that important moment. I find myself now bargaining for my mother, in a different way. Now I try to “buy cognitive knowledge”, like “Please let her recognize LeeLee, or Please help her remember to eat three meals today”.
Depression
I thought I did pretty darn good when Pop died…until I brought it up with Sweet Husband and the kids! Apparently I was quite the train wreck for quite a long period of time. I guess I was walking around in a fog. My main concern was Mom, because I felt very strongly that she would either live for just weeks or years, I took it upon myself to help her through each day. They were married 56 years, and I knew that her loss was significantly more difficult than mine, so I worked hard to help her through the days. I ignored my own needs, and that came up on the second floor of my house—where I lived with Sweet Husband and the kids. Any time I was on the first floor, I had to be “on”, so I didn’t realize just how deep my pain and depression were until my family told me.
Acceptance
I don’t know when I accepted it. Sometimes I find myself thinking Pop is still waiting for me in the formal living room to talk about something in the stock market, to be honest. Over time, though, the days did get easier, and we started to laugh again. Planning vacations has been extremely valuable to me, since those are some of the greatest memories I have of my life with my parents. Just last month, in Disney World, we talked about Pop’s love for Pirates of the Caribbean, and I didn’t even tear up. Mom came to a point where she went back to Bingo, driving herself for the first time in years. She started cooking again, and watched her favorite shows. I know it was painful for her, but she started to recognize that her life had to go on.
How Long Does Each Stage Last?
I don’t know. Nobody does.
Losing someone you love—particularly a parent—can impact every element of your daily life. It did for me. Caring for Pop had become a full-time job, in addition to teaching and raising my own family—you know, the other full-time jobs. When Pop died, the aftermath kept us pretty busy for about a month, between the memorial service, all of the people who came to pay respects, closing up his accounts and getting rid of some of his things. It was after that when problems started to develop—once you realize that you need to create a “new normal”.
In retrospect, I think acceptance came very quickly to me, while denial was years in the before and after of Pop’s death. I didn’t really bargain much, but I definitely lived in depression without even realizing it. I have no idea, six years later, how hurtful it was for my family to not be able to lean on me during that time. Sweet Husband, as usual, stepped in to fill the void while I railed against the Gods and mourned my beloved father.
So, I have no idea what is ahead of you. Sorry.
Grief Isn’t Always Linear
I think it’s very important for you to recognize that the stages of grief do not necessarily behave in a linear way. You can find yourself in acceptance almost as soon as you get the diagnosis, or you may find that you skip bargaining completely.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone has a truly unique and personal experience—every single time someone you love dies.
The important thing is to not judge yourself against anyone else, or your past losses. If it seems that you aren’t grieving “properly”, I suggest you do a deep-dive into your feelings to make sure that you are being honest with yourself. If you find that you are “stuck” in denial or depression, don’t be too hard on yourself. Just ride the wave until it comes to the shore.
Self-Care During The Grief Process
In the beginning, being the Mayor, I generally didn’t consider my self-care anywhere near as much as I should have.
I’ve learned better.
Your family is not going to operate at peak efficiency if you don’t take care of yourself. It really is that simple. You need to make sure that you are recognizing and responding to your own needs throughout the entire grieving process. This will not only help you work through the process itself, but will support your family as they watch you go through the stages. Don’t forget—they are suffering as well, but are looking to you for guidance and help with the process.
Ultimately
You will feel better. More “normal”.
I can’t tell you how long it will take, or how hard any one or five of the stages might get for you. All I can tell you is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and you will be able to laugh and enjoy life again.
Most importantly, you need to congratulate yourself. You led Crazytown through it’s entire lifetime, and The Job is done.
You did an amazing job. Give yourself grace.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR!!!
Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about grief!
Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check out therapeutic lying, here, or if you’ve read that, check out more dementia problems, here! Or maybe you want to hear more about Pop, here. Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!
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Resources
https://www.healthline.com/health/losing-a-parent
https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#5-stages