Mom Is In Memory Care

Sweet Husband has very strong feelings about visiting memory care, “The Facility.” So do my kids. Their “feelings” are quite conflicted. It’s not about The Facility itself—we are all sure that Mom is getting the best possible care. 

It’s. Just. Hard.

I strongly recommend that you visit several of these facilities long before your loved one will need to move in. It’s extremely important that you have an idea of the culture and routines of the place they will live. You need to see how they handle food service and medicine distribution and activities. 

It’s just sad. No doubt about it. No difference which place you visit. It is just a difficult place to go to on a regular basis. 

I have no problems visiting. 

How Often Should I Visit?

There is no way to tell how many visitors are there at a time. There are several parking lots and entry points, and most of the residents entertain visitors in their rooms. I’ve got absolutely no idea what the “normal” or “average” number of visits would be per week. I can only comment on what I do. And I often find myself visiting memory care.

I visit three times a week. This is down slightly from when she first moved in. When Mom first moved to The Facility, I visited every other day. This meant that one week it was three times, and the next week it was four times. I varied the times I went to The Facility on purpose, so I could see the routines during different times of the day. 

Honestly, too, I was just getting to trust them, so I wanted to “drop in” at different times so they couldn’t predict. 

The main reason to visit, really, is to break up the boredom that comes with living in a memory care facility. It’s easy to see how the days and weeks blend into each other, and walking up and down the halls or into the courtyard must be really boring really quickly.

I am comic relief. 

What If I Can’t Visit This Week?

Caring for my parents for over a decade, my personal travel schedule suffered tremendously. It was difficult to arrange support care so that I could go away for the weekend or the week with Sweet Husband and my kids. So, I am absolutely taking advantage of that now, with Mom cared for properly and COVID-19 behind us, I’m out of town on a fairly frequent basis.

But that means I can’t visit.

Prepare her

I tell Mom when I’m going to be away for a few days (not visiting memory care). Sometimes she remembers, usually she doesn’t. But it’s worth it for those few times she will recall that I’m gone, but that I will return shortly.

Prepare the facility

I don’t tell them a thing—they need to be on their toes. Unless I’m on a cruise and they can’t reach me. If that is the case, I leave them an alternative contact just in case. 

Call on the team

Weekends, even a week doesn’t really matter in the long run. But, if you’re venturing out for longer than a week, I suggest getting a little support. Over the summer I had her former caregiver—the beloved “Mary”—visit to break up the boredom. I’ve also reached out to Bestie Boo as my back-up, just in case I was gone longer than expected.

The Food Kinda Sucks…

Don’t feign shock—you kinda knew the food would suck. Especially coming from your own home, where you were cooking all of their favorites, snacks were plentiful, and they could make requests. Whereas food used to be something to look forward to, it has now become as boring as the rest of the day. You can make some adjustments here:

In the room

Mom has her own fridge, which I keep stocked with some expected, and some unexpected, items for her to relieve a hunger pang and some boredom. She’s got several types of soda in there, and always some chocolate. Frequently, I’ll throw something unexpected in there for her to find after I’ve left (that’s you Rice Krispies treat!). 

Delivery person

Saturday visits usually occur in the morning for my convenience, and it’s not uncommon for me to stop somewhere to grab a favorite breakfast treat. Whether it’s a donut, bagel or pancakes, she always enjoys a favorite. The most appreciated surprise is when I stop at Chick Fil-A for dinner! What could be better than skipping tonight’s cafeteria-style dinner for your favorite fast food?

The kitchen manager

I wasn’t happy with the breakfast offerings when she first moved in, so I simply called the kitchen manager and now her breakfasts are way more to her liking. It’s easy to ask—you never know what benefits you might find! 

Getting Around The Facility

The best boredom remedy we have found is just to get the heck out of her room. She spends way too much time in her room, so as soon as we get there we take a walk. We walk up and down the hallways looking at how everyone decorates their doorway, and stop to visit the two residents who have emotional support cats. 

Best of all, however, we can go outside in the courtyard. Walking up and down, we can look at all of the plants and flowers, then sit for a little while out in the sunshine. They have seating in several places, so we change where we sit each time. Sweet Husband has hung a bird feeder for Mom, and we always watch that carefully, to see who comes to visit. It is right outside her window, so she can watch it from both sides. 

Do This For Me…

I know why Sweet Husband and the kids have a tough time visiting. Walking into the room and seeing her sitting just looking out the window is pretty sad. So, when I visit, I always have a plan to get her hands and brain working on something:

Your drawers are a mess!

The Facility does her laundry, but it’s always someone different putting things away. This is great! The first thing we do when I visit is to straighten the drawers and the closet so that things are where they should be. The only way a dementia patient can care for themselves is if things are where they expect—so this practice makes it easier for her to dress herself each day, and find her favorite jammies at night.

Who folded this???

Along the same lines, we have to fix how they fold the sheets every single week. I know it sounds silly, but Mom is the only person on earth who can correctly fold a fitted sheet, so she refolds her sheets every week, too. It’s a very small thing, but she is proud of herself every single time “This is how it SHOULD look” she says after every fold. I’m sure your loved one has something very specific they want done correctly—let them do it. 

Read this article

Once a week I bring something to read while visiting memory care, and give it to her when I am getting ready to leave. It gives her something to occupy her mind so she isn’t sorry to see me go, and she can flip through it throughout the next few days. Often, I’ll direct her to a specific page or article, and then ask her about it on our next visit. 

Remember this?

We moved Mom in with very little, on purpose. She absolutely loves her small knick-knacks. There are frogs, turtles and gnomes all over her rooms at my house, and we left them where they were. So, every week I bring something to jog her memory. This week I’m bringing a small item with two gnomes on a swing set—it’s quite small so it will fit in her room, and most importantly it will give us a great conversation-starter. Where did you get this? Why do you like it? Should I bring more of these? Anything to get that brain working.

Let’s Get Outta Here For The Afternoon

Memory Care isn’t a prison. Visiting memory care doesn’t mean you have to stay in memory care.

Take them out for a ride in the car, a visit to the Dollar Store, a stop at Starbucks. You don’t even have to take them out of your car—I know what a process it might be with the wheelchair and everything else—but you can take them for a ride. 

I mention this last, because it might be problematic, and is something I rarely do. You run the risk of them refusing to go back to the facility. I’ve found it much better to work within her current environment than to take her somewhere that might be overwhelming or confusing for her. Your mileage may vary, and I see people do this at Mom’s place, just be aware of the risks.

Developing A Routine That Isn’t Stagnant

You can tell I’ve got a system for my visits. I try to make each visit a little different, and vary when I bring different treats or presents so she is always excited when I pull something out of my bag, but not disappointed when I bring nothing. 

My car has become something of a storage facility, too. Between the disposable underwear, bathroom products, piles of old magazines and snacks, I’ve always got something in the car I can grab and bring into the facility with me. Anything to spark that brain of hers. 

I’ve built up a good level of trust and respect with the facility—they know I’m as watchful as I am appreciative. By creating a good working relationship with them, they understand my variations of timing visits, the different things I bring, and respond by trying to engage Mom as much as they possibly can. 

By working together with The Facility staff, I know we are creating an engaging and enriching place for Mom to live safely and happily.

That’s why it’s easy for me to visit.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about visiting memory care!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check learning for eldercare, here, or see a more in depth look at what respite care is, here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

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