Sharing The Family Heirlooms Early

This is a hotly debated subject for those of us with elderly parents, and it is made even more complex when the remaining parent is suffering from dementia. I mean…what DO you do with the family heirlooms?

There is one school of thought that disbursing possessions while the parents are still alive is, well, ghoulish. Another line of thinking is that the elderly parents can – to the best of their ability – participate in the sharing of the family treasures, and make sure that their own wishes are followed. 

So there is no question—I’m a firm believer in sharing precious items and memories as soon as possible, as long as it doesn’t negatively impact the remaining life of the elderly parents in question. If your parents are still getting pleasure out of the object, it should remain in their possession. But for many family heirlooms, they are wasting away in a drawer or closet. They could be much more appreciated in the hands of the beneficiaries. 

What you should distribute—and when—is the key to handling this job without upsetting either your parents or the beneficiaries.

My Parents Weren’t About Possessions

This is a rather small topic in my family, to be honest. My parents weren’t big collectors of anything and do not have that overly sentimental feeling about things they had purchased. As a matter of fact, the bulk of their heirlooms were distributed when they sold our family home. In 1990. They went from a four-story family home to a two-bedroom double-wide in a Florida retirement community, so they had no choice but to minimize their possessions. 

Once they retired to Florida, Pop was adamant that Mom minimize her collections. He tried to cut down on her frogs and ducks and other things that she loved to have in the house. For his part, Pop almost completely stopped collecting coins and stamps. 

The truth of the matter is that for the first part of their marriage, raising five kids, there wasn’t a whole lot of extra money to partake in hobbies. And the second part of their marriage was primarily about wealth acquisition, with them funneling as much as possible into their retirement funds and investment accounts. The third part of their marriage—starting in 1990—was entirely about rest and relaxation, including as much travel as they could possibly fit in, leaving little time or space to accumulate “stuff”. It worked well for them.

Things They Valued

Mom grew up poor. I mean abject poverty, missing meals, running away from the landlord capital “P” Poor.

Pop grew up comfortable. Mom was impressed by him, for example, because he had a bicycle. So, they didn’t really care about possessions. Mom was never into jewelry, nor did they drive the latest or greatest cars. They bought our family home in 1965, and stayed in it with kids moving in and out until 1990, when they retired to Florida. During that 35 year period, they didn’t replace furniture or appliances until they were no longer serviceable, and they bought a strong, sturdy house that required little in the way of high-ticket maintenance through the years.

In short: They were frugal. 

They had things they valued quite highly. They just weren’t things. 

Experiences

My older siblings were quick to point out that their family vacations in the early years were tent camping, while my vacations growing up were resorts and Disney World. It’s very true, and it was based entirely on their earning power at the time.

The salient point is that there were family vacations—without missing once—every year.

Between the three jobs Pop held, he always found the time and money to take everyone on a trip at least once a year in the summer. Those are the memories me and my siblings hold closest to our heart now that he is gone. Images of Pop fishing in the lake, eating funnel cake and pizza in Wildwood, lounging on a beach or playing catch. Not at all about things—about experiences together.

After they retired, my parents became avid cruisers, to the point that they started taking all of us (27 people in total) on cruises every- or every other year. This was how they kept all of us together and connected emotionally—by locking us in a floating hotel for one week a year!!! Talk about a variety of experiences… 

Pictures

Our family home, affectionately called “Valley Road” by all of us, was covered with framed pictures from our adventures together. We had an entire wall for awards and trophies in the foyer of the house, and the living and dining rooms were covered with pictures from everywhere.

These photos were my parents most prized possessions. It was the photos that took up the most room when they moved to Florida—not furniture or clothes. The houses they owned through their retirement—and my house—had entire walls covered in photos from a wide variety of vacations. 

A quirk I didn’t realize for years: The pictures they favored were the ones taken when we were together. They enjoyed getting pictures in the mail, but the ones they framed and hung up almost entirely came from times we spent with them. That is what they valued the most.

When To Start Sharing Things

On to the real topic for this blog: What to do with family heirlooms. Sharing things while everyone can enjoy the experience and the item being shared. 

Money

Pop was against sharing money. He felt strongly that we should stand on our own feet, and not rely on him to pay bills or dig us out of a hole.

I disagreed with his philosophy entirely, and we discussed it at length on many, many occasions. “Why not lighten the load?” I would argue, but he felt very strongly that true success has to be achieved individually. He wasn’t opposed to everyone inheriting the balance upon their death, but did not want to participate in paying bills while he was still alive. It was his money…his decision. Very interesting conversations, however.  

Closer to the end, however, when vacations started to be too difficult, they started giving money for Christmas every year. It was a good compromise, and something I felt strongly helped my siblings and was very much appreciated. This might be a good alternative if your elderly parents want to share their money sparingly while they are still alive.

Activities

This was my parents’ wheelhouse. The early years of their retirement were rarely spent in Florida. Instead they would spend months visiting all of their kids up north, jumping on a cruise ship or hitting a beach for a week here or there. Many times, they would include one or more of their children in their plans. 

The funny thing was, despite being super attentive to us growing up, they didn’t take part in too much of their grandchildren’s activities. They didn’t go to every lacrosse game, or every “Straight A” breakfast. They were clearly most interested in participating in the down-time we all had, by providing or joining us in vacations. I believe it was because of their respect for a true vacation—no worries about work or dinner or getting up early tomorrow—just time to connect with each other. 

Possessions

As I mentioned, The Great Purge of family heirlooms for my parents came with the sale of Valley Road in 1990. Each of us was given the opportunity to go through the house and “claim” what was ours, and haggle for things that belonged to the family. People took key pieces of furniture, Betty got the lamps that were a 1930 wedding present to my parents, I took the bookcase Pop made from scratch for my 18th birthday (it’s right behind me in the office as we speak). Plaques, trophies, and Tupperware were all given away, along with Pop’s famous tools.

Since then, my parents continued to downsize from one retirement location to the next. From Florida to Arizona back to Florida to my house in Las Vegas, they kept scaling down, until they brought virtually nothing to my house except a bedroom set. And a ton of framed photos. 

How To Get Started

DON’T

Literally, don’t do anything with the family heirlooms until they are ready. I’m not advocating letting them appear on Hoarders, but don’t force it. They need to disseminate their possessions from a position of excitement and not because you are demanding it. 

The easiest time to do this is when they are choosing to relocate—like The Great Purge of Valley Road. If you can possibly do it at this juncture, it will be the absolute easiest time of all. They will know they need to downsize, and can make informed decisions about what they give away, and to whom. 

What First?

The easiest way to start this process is by “giving back.”

Remember the plaques and trophies that were displayed on Valley Road? They didn’t actually belong to my parents, so handing them off to me and my siblings was easy. The same can be said for things that were gifted to my parents. They simply returned vases and other items that had been gifts in the past. They had certainly enjoyed the gift when it was received—it just doesn’t fit in the house/décor any longer, so there is no animosity about returning it.

What Is Tough?

My parents had precious few things that were difficult to give away. For example, Bill got the snowy Christmas Village, and John got the engraved silverware from their wedding. Those are examples of things that were tough to give away, because there was interest from multiple children. In that case, we deferred to whatever our parents decided. It was their stuff, anyway, so they should decide where things should go. This worked relatively well through the purging process.

Handling Disagreements

Pop is gone, and Mom is all filled with dementia, so the days of disseminating possessions purposefully are long over…

I’m left with whatever remains in the two rooms of my house that my parents lived in. The things in those rooms are, quite clearly, their most valued possessions, because they survived every purge of the past 32 years. I expect some arguments in the near future.

My suggestion for you is to be as reasonable and logical as possible. Bobby bought Mom those diamond earrings, so he will get them back no matter how much I love them, for example. Talking things out in advance will also help you immensely, so the next time they visit, ask them quite plainly if there is anything they would like to have as a remembrance. 

Finally, my dear and faithful readers, I give you my REAL ADVICE for this topic: Don’t fight at all. Let them have it all. Like Pop told me: “It’s all just shit, Pat. The really important things are the memories.”

God, I miss him~ 

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