Aging With Dignity

Yesterday Pop would have been 92. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it past 86, and those last years were rough. Really rough. As the aging process progressed, continuing and new problems started to accumulate. Pop and I would often talk about aging with dignity and maintaining his dignity during eldercare. He was adamant that he wanted to remain “himself” throughout the process. He didn’t want to be in a position where he couldn’t maintain the modesty and humility that colored his life, and he was quite concerned about putting me in uncomfortable situations as things progressed.

Yeah…well…the best laid plans…

Having the distinct honor of caring for both of my parents through difficult aging processes, I’ve had to bear witness to an incredible amount of things that I had no intention of ever getting involved in. Most people—who haven’t been through the process usually—will claim that it is easier for a daughter to go through the process with her mother, since they are likely more kindred spirits (if not similar bodies!). I can’t speak for anyone but me, but I can tell you in no uncertain terms that The Job has stretched my abilities razor thin with both of my parents, and I have not found it any “easier” to handle the sensitive situations with my mother than it was with my father.

Your mileage may vary. Will vary. We’re not even on the same highway, honestly. Your “trip” through The Job will be as unique as your loved one is.

So let’s examine some common ways of maintaining dignity of your loved one throughout the eldercare process…

Different Types of Dignity

The dignity of their private affairs:

For many aging parents, the loss of dignity begins long before the body starts to give out. It begins with information. In the majority of families, topics like “finances” and “insurance” are avoided, or are considered indelicate or, frankly, none of your business. Many elderly equate sharing these topics with their children a loss of dignity, particularly if the numbers being discussed are not favorable. We have talked in many of my blogs about having these difficult conversations early and often, specifically to avoid the feeling of shock and embarrassment many elderly feel when they open their record books. 

They need to understand that it doesn’t matter. None of it. There is nothing they can share that will minimize your love or respect for them, and you won’t be shocked, disappointed or embarrassed by the stark details of their financial life. 

As I’ve said multiple times, until you have these difficult financial discussions with your loved one, you won’t know how much you will be able to provide for them. I knew my parents financial and insurance situation long before I took over, and it gave me a tremendous amount of security and calm knowing exactly what I could provide with the resources they had managed to accumulate. 

The dignity of their secrets:

I didn’t find any secrets, hidden accounts, unclaimed other children or outstanding debts in my parents’ personal papers. Not everyone is that lucky. I have a friend who found a number of outstanding debts sorting through paperwork after a death, and another that found a previously unmentioned, potential child. It happens.

Yet, even in that case, you need to continue maintaining their dignity; it’s part of eldercare.

Don’t take any of it personally—everyone has their secrets. Fortunately, if you have uncovered this family skeleton, you can deal with it on your own terms. The worst thing would be to have something come up out of the blue when you are trying to finalize their affairs. 

The dignity of their bodies:

We’ve reached the big one. To quote the late, great, Pop Pilat: “I don’t want nobody wipin’ my ass!”

Far and away the biggest concern individually for my parents was the idea of not being able to take care of their own physical needs. 

I’ve been through this now with both parents, in very different ways. With Pop, it was suddenly thrust upon me following one of the cancer surgeries, so we had no time to kind of “ease into” my assistance—it just happened right after a surgery, and never ended. For Mom, it has been this slow and painful mental decline, inching towards me providing more and more physical care for her. I’m not sure if this was easier, but it absolutely was more gradual. 

When “IT” Happens

This is a really, really easy section to write. Because, when it happens, you just instinctively react and do what needs to be done. The key, in my opinion, is to be as clinical and matter-of-fact as you can be.

I relate a lot of this journey to my experiences raising our three kids: What I have now, not to be indelicate, is a 92 year old toddler who won’t grow out of it.

So many of the strategies I use are the same ones I used 25 years ago when I had three kids under 4. Think back to a time you saw a toddler fall in the park. Their first instinct is NOT to cry, but to look at their parent for a cue. If the parental cue is high drama and passion (Oh no! My baby! What happened!) the kid will respond in kind—with tears and yelling. When my kids fell, I would tell them to rub the dirt off their knee and get back to playing! Was I a mean or uncaring parent? Nope. I was trying to keep things on an even keel, and keep the focus on returning to a fun activity, not crying and being held. 

I do the same thing now with my Mom. No matter what complaint she has, I try to minimize or diffuse it on the spot to calm her down. If it’s really a problem, I will address it with her caregivers privately, but I do everything I can to keep her feeling safe and positive as much as possible.   

Ignore What’s Happening And Just Complete The Task

I’ll tell you a story. After Pop’s kidney removal, he had a catheter. The first night he was home, it backed up due to a blood clot in the tube. Mom called us downstairs, to find this horrific site in their bathroom. Pop was mortified that I was in that bathroom, so, all I said was “Yup, looks like we’re heading to the hospital.” By not focusing on the indignity of the situation, or even commenting on it, I diffused the embarrassment of the situation and kept the entire focus on the medical need that had to be attended to. It allowed Pop to move past the embarrassment he felt and concentrate on fixing the problem.

Ignoring the embarrassment is KEY to maintaining dignity in eldercare!!!

Another Example:

With both of my parents, we have faced the necessity of assisting with toileting, and this has been absolutely mortifying for both of them. During these times, I pull out my high-pitched, sing-songy Mary Poppins voice and just talk through the entire experience. By just getting in there and completing the task at hand, there isn’t time for anybody to object or feel any additional embarrassment.  

Showering and dressing are activities of daily living that became too much for Pop, and are definitely outside of Mom’s abilities now. Making sure they keep up with their daily personal hygiene is important physically, mentally and emotionally, so get in there and help them out! If you have the ability to ease into this process, like with Mom, you simply do a little bit more each time—no lock on the door, door ajar, door open, me coming in and out, me staying in, etc. With Pop it was post-surgery, and abrupt. To cope with that, I used the distraction method like I did when the kids were young, talking throughout the entire showering process to keep the focus off of what I was actually doing. 

Then…In The End…

A lot of The Job is smoke and mirrors. I’m a magician and comedian all day every day, making sure Mom is concentrating on something else (my words, the TV, a song) so that I can complete the important activities of daily living that keep her healthy and happy. Distractions will be your best friend when you are faced with uncomfortable situations that you need to deal with, so that you can do your job while maintaining as much of their dignity as you possibly can. I’ve learned how much a very bright smile and a high-pitched voice can do to diffuse what could be a very uncomfortable experience. Making eye contact will help you, too, especially if it’s accompanied by reassuring and comforting words throughout the process. 

It’s exhausting. Just this morning Mom was refusing a shower, but I cajoled her into it with smiles and a promise of news of her grandchildren and a cupcake after we were done. Frankly, I didn’t even notice the nudity. Neither will you. 

Yes, you will do The Job. Your attitude during these uncomfortable periods will make it easier to bear. 

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR

Wow! You made it! Thank you for reading about maintaining dignity in eldercare!

Hey, since you’re here! You may as well check how to go out with dementia patients, here, or see what the severe stages of dementia might look like here! Or, check out our other topics here! Either way, I appreciate you!

Please leave a COMMENT about any tips you may have!! Or comment with YOUR story! What are your next steps in eldercare? Any dementia stories? Let me know!

Please, feel free to contact me or leave a COMMENT with anything you would like to hear more about! Or reach out with any unrelated questions, comments, concerns, or random outbursts of excitement by clicking here.